


in the deepest depths i lost myself

by remrose



Category: Young Justice (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Music, Original Character(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Season/Series 03, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Therapy, indie punk kaldur'ahm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-06-03 19:52:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 46,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19471000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remrose/pseuds/remrose
Summary: "I think I'm cursed." Kaldur said."Cursed?" His therapist repeated.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to 'kaldur'ahm gets the world's most well deserved therapy'. 
> 
> please note i originally wrote this last year, so it is not at all compliant with outsiders/season 3. 
> 
> heed the tags for suicidal ideation/thoughts/attempt/etc. the referenced suicide attempt is pre-story.
> 
> canon divergent AU pretty much from the moment dick offers kaldur the leadership role, here being that he says no.
> 
> if you look up 'self-indulgent' in the dictionary, this fic is there. if you like this story at all please let me know, bc i was doubtful abt posting it at all.

"I think I'm cursed." Kaldur said.

"Cursed?" His therapist repeated.

"Yes."

There was a moment of silence. His therapist prodded, "Do you want to elaborate, or was that just a general statement?"

Kaldur wasn't sure. His therapist was a nice guy named Bo, who was very tall and often crossed his long legs during their sessions, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees to listen to Kaldur.

"Shouldn't it be fairly obvious?" Kaldur asked.

Bo shrugged. He had a clipboard, but he'd set it aside a while ago, and was just sipping his latte. Kaldur had brought himself a water bottle, and he was trying not to fidget with it. Soldier's don't fidget.

"I don't think you're cursed." Bo offered. "Unless you mean like, a literal magic curse."

"No, I don't mean that. Something more prevalent. More like..." Kaldur gestured helplessly.

"Maybe like a deeply rooted pattern?" Bo suggested.

"Yes." Kaldur nodded, and as much as he didn't like therapy, he didn't mind Bo as a person. He was smart, and tended to follow what Kaldur was trying to say even if he didn't really understand it himself. Even if the guy wore jean jackets, had what Roy would call 'hipster glasses', and always had incredibly unprofessional posture.

But the deal he'd made with Orin and Dinah was this: he'd see a therapist if they had nothing to do with the League. And nothing to do with anyone he knew. Just a total stranger. And Bo was that, even though he wasn't anymore, because Kaldur had seen him twice a week for the past three months.

"What does your curse entail?" Bo asked next, picking up his clipboard and scribbling one word that Kaldur could see from where was sitting: curse.

"If I love someone, I will lose them. If I love something, I will lose it." Kaldur said, calm and calculated. Still not fidgeting with the cap of his water bottle, as much as he wanted to. "If I can suffer, I will."

"Ouch." Bo said, but wrote that down. "Anything else?"

"That covers it."

"That's pretty rough. So when you look at the future, do you think that because of this curse, you won't ever be happy?"

Kaldur sometimes felt like Bo was peeling back his skin and peering inside. "I think that the pattern of my life so far indicates that I should not get my hopes up for a better future."

"You've had some pretty bad luck." Bo agreed. "Now, I'm not disagreeing with you, but don't you think that statistically, you might be owed some good stuff now? Like, in terms of probability. You've flipped the coin a hundred times and always gotten tails. Maybe now you're gonna get some heads."

"To use your metaphor, I believe that I am cursed with a coin that has tails on both sides. Statistically, don't you think that would make more sense?"

"Good point." Bo said. "I don't know either, what the future has in store for you. But for now, let's work on our current goals. Have you found anything that you enjoy?"

Bo's current goal was working on finding something Kaldur enjoyed. This was born from Kaldur's admission that between being a child soldier, a hero, then a traitor, he'd had no time to develop any personal interests. If it wasn't directly related to making him a better hero, Kaldur had never engaged in it.

And to be honest, he wasn't trying very hard to find anything to enjoy. He didn't see the point.

"Not yet." Kaldur said.

"Keep trying. I believe in you." Bo winked, and tapped his watch to indicate the time was almost up. "Anything else you wanna throw in?"

Kaldur offered, "I do enjoy my classes."

"That's good." Bo said immediately. "And while we were hoping for hobbies, I'll take anything at this point. What classes are you taking?"

Since Kaldur wasn't heroing full time, and he couldn't go to Atlantis, and apparently no one would let him kill himself, he ended up taking classes at Coast City University.

He'd chosen Coast City for a lot of reasons. The first being that it already had a hero -- Green Lantern had things covered. He wasn't needed. The second, being that it on the coast. The open water he could see from his apartment. The third was that no one he had personally hurt lived in the city. That was a big selling point. Though he could not avoid seeing them anyway. He'd come home to Artemis asleep on his couch more often than not, and Roy would invite him over for even the flimsiest reason.

Kaldur told Bo about his entry level anthropology and linguistics classes, then excused himself when time was up to go attend those classes.

 _Enjoy_ was a bit of a heavy word. Kaldur liked to sit in the lecture hall and listen to things that weren't his own thoughts. That was probably not real enjoyment, but he was a good student, and he worked hard, and he was still alive.

As much as he really would've rather not have been.

Kaldur regretted attempting to kill himself. Not because he really wanted to live, but because of how much trouble it caused him. Especially after everything that happened, everything that _he_ did, now he had to deal with the fact that all these people felt obliged to be nice to him or walk on eggshells around him. The only reason he tolerated Artemis and Roy was because they _didn't_ , or at least, they were better at pretending things were normal.

He remembered afterwards, with Orin standing there looking all horrible and devastated, and his own mother beside him.

"Why did you do it?" Sha'lain'a asked, holding his hand tightly, searching his face with her eyes.

"What else is there for me to do?" Kaldur replied, blankly.

That was, apparently, the wrong answer.

More than once, he'd thought back to that night, and wished regretfully that he had done a better job. That he had succeeded, instead of now having to pretend to get better, pretend to want to do this inane and painful existence anymore. Really, after everything that happened, was it really that much of a surprise? That he had nothing left, he had taken everything inside himself and scooped it out, handed it over, and now the empty shell desired nothing but for the pain to stop, the hollow ache to dissipate into nothing.

His curse was only proven in the fact that he did not succeed.

As much as Kaldur wanted to feel angry at everyone else for insisting he continue to exist, for insisting that he continue to suffer and struggle, that it was selfish of everyone else to demand he trek onwards for their sake, he also felt deeply ashamed.

Kaldur was a soldier, and previously he would've considered himself a good one. Now he was permeated with guilt, the consequences of his actions almost suffocating sometimes, whenever Orin twisted his mouth upon seeing him, Roy texting him randomly to make sure he was still alive, Artemis crying into his chest and cursing his name. Dick's avoidance of him entirely, the awkward questions from other former teammates -- ones he had hurt. And been hurt in turn.

It was a huge, conflicting mess, and all the emotions sloshed around in his chest, like trying to contain the tides of an ocean. But no matter what Bo said, Kaldur could not look forward at the future and see anything worth sticking around for. He just wanted it all to stop.

Coast City University was very nice. The last time Kaldur was in school, he had Garth and Tula at his side. So it was also very lonely.

But Kaldur wanted it to be that way. He stressed to Orin and everyone else that he wanted his space, to breathe and pull himself together after everything that happened. And while they wanted to grant him that, there was stipulations. Like the regular therapy attendance, that Orin and Roy and Artemis all had keys to his apartment, and that he would check in, even just a simple text. It was almost too much, but he was grateful for the space he'd been given.

The University had a lot of buildings to navigate, and often Kaldur would wander between them, unnoticed in a sea of students. He had a backpack, with his laptop that Dick sent him, and usually kept his hands in his pockets. He looked like anyone else.

Though, he did notice that almost every other student who was alone wore headphones. Either large ones that they hung around their neck when not in use, or earbuds that they strung through their shirts. Kaldur hadn't really listened to music before -- he was aware of it, of course, and knew that Roy preferred rock music, and that Dick occasionally would 'rick-roll' people, but he'd never really listened to it.

Maybe he was thinking about that when he walked by a boy sitting on the quad, guitar case open, a bright cherry red guitar in hand, as his fingers cleverly picked out a tune. And he sung. Kaldur stopped, joining a group of other students who were listening.

It was a beautiful song. And Kaldur felt a little bit like he'd been hit in the head, because the lyrics encapsulated a feeling he hadn't even realized he was feeling until he heard it sung by this stranger in the middle of a grassy quad.

 _"Swallowed by a vicious vengeful sea,"_ The boy sang, humming in between the lines. _"Darker days are raining over me, in the deepest depths I lost myself, I see myself through someone else."_

The students dropped coins in, and Kaldur dug around in his own pockets for some, and when the music stopped he gathered up what courage he had to ask, "Excuse me, what is that song called?"

"Black Water." The boy said, picking up a coffee cup and taking a big swig. "By Of Monsters and Men. I'd recommend the Chris Taylor remix, though. The original with guitar is good but the sound on the remix is better."

"Thank you very much." Kaldur said, and pulled out his phone to look it up as he walked away. He'd literally never used the music app before, but it wasn't hard to figure out. He did not own any headphones, and used the remainder of his break between classes to find somewhere that sold them. He chose a pair of earbuds, picking apart the plastic wrapping. Plugging them into his phone. Sitting down on the floor outside his lecture hall, waiting for the current class to let out.

The remix was incredibly different, a rolling sound, like a cruel ocean. A warm female singer sung the same words, and Kaldur stared at the students as they flowed in and out of classrooms, bags on, shoes shuffling. And the lyrics, saying something he hadn't known how to put into words. The beat pushing on his pulse.

Maybe this is what Bo meant about enjoyment. Though it wasn't like happiness. It was like being punched in the chest, after not having felt anything at all for ages. It hurt, but that was like waking up.

Then he went to class. And downloaded the whole discography of the band Of Monsters and Men, plugging his headphones in as soon as he left the class, and wandered the campus listening.

The original Black Water was good, but the guitar player was right -- the remix was better. He liked Little Talks and Wolves Without Teeth, but most of all he liked the song Organs. When he went home in the evening, Kaldur sat on his bed, with his notebooks in front of him, full of words, while the singer sung to him, like maybe there was someone else in the world who understood, _"I am sorry for the trouble, I suppose, my blood runs red but my body feels so cold, I guess I could swim for days in the salty sea, but in the end the waves will discolor me."_

Kaldur listened to them right up until his next appointment. He was listening to them in the lobby. When Bo came to summon him into the office, he had to tap his shoulder, because he was sitting, holding his phone and staring at the blank screen, while words poured into his head.

Not his own. But they encompassed him.

"How are you feeling today?" Bo asked, when they settled, with his latte. Kaldur had his water bottle.

Kaldur said, "Fine."

"Any problems since we last spoke?"

"No."

"Is there something on your mind?"

His brain was still singing, even without the music playing. It was singing Organs, the lines: _So I take off my face / Because it reminds me how it all went wrong / And I pull out my tongue / Because it reminds me how it all went wrong_

"What is your favourite musical band?" Kaldur asked, instead of answering.

Bo raised his eyebrows in surprise. It was a broad divergence from their usual conversations. "Huh. I dunno. Are we talking like, sentimental value, or like, sheer number of listens?"

"Let's say sentimental value."

"Then the Tragically Hip. They're a Canadian rock band. And my father's favourite band, before he died, we used to sing them in the car together on road trips."

"What's your favourite song?"

"Locked in the Trunk of a Car. I think it's actually about being kidnapped, but it has a moment near the end where Gordie screams LET ME OUT!!! and we used to both shout at the top of our lungs." Bo said, then gestured his hands wide. "But as an adult, probably Boots or Hearts. Mostly because of Gordie's lyrical genius with the line," and here Bo sung, " _Fingers and toes, fingers and toes, forty things we share. Forty-one if you include the fact that we don't care."_

Kaldur's lip twitched. He said, "Do you listen to them a lot?"

"I do. There's some songs I avoid because otherwise I'll cry, but they're a damn good band. Now, I don't mind you asking, but why the interest?"

Kaldur caught himself fidgeting with the cap of his water bottle and covered it up by unscrewing the lid and taking a sip. He said, unsure, "I never listened to music. I didn't get it."

"Past tense?" Bo asked, because he was sharp.

Kaldur didn't bother trying to hide. "Yes. I found a band this week that I like."

"That's awesome." Bo said. "What's the band?"

"Of Monsters and Men."

"They're good. I know like, two songs." Bo looked to the ceiling as he thought. "King and the Lionheart, then... Dirty Paws, I think."

Kaldur nodded, familiar with them.

"And you said you never listened to music before." Bo prodded. "So like, you've told me about the child soldier thing, underwater, yadda yadda. How about the friends you made when you came to the surface? Surely some of them liked music."

Kaldur nodded uncomfortably. "Roy enjoys rock music. But I did not listen if he played it. I always felt..."

When he stopped, Bo took a sip of his latte, and when Kaldur didn't continue he said, "It's cool whatever you felt. There's no point in holding it in now, is there? Might as well tell me, it's not gonna change anything now. Except maybe help us both understand you a little better."

Kaldur breathed slowly. He said, "I always felt like it was a waste of time. I did not understand why you would bother. There seemed to be no value gained from the activity of listening to someone else sing."

"And what do you think now?"

"I think I need more data."

Bo laughed. "Fair enough. I could recommend some more. I think you'd like... Bon Iver. Actually, here. I'll write you down some bands, ones that are similar to Of Monsters and Men. But in the meantime, why don't you give me your initial reaction. Why you've latched onto it."

Kaldur watched Bo pull his long legs up to sit cross legged, and he couldn't bring himself to relax his perfect posture like that. Just following Bo's dark fingers as they picked at the edges of his latte cup.

"I don't know." Kaldur said, then shook his head. "That's a lie. I know. I just... it feels. Silly. To be drawn into the songs. It still feels like a waste of time. But I can't stop. It's... obsessive. I want to hear them sing the words again. Paint them in my mind."

"That makes sense." Bo said, and Kaldur wondered how it did, when it felt so rambling in his head.

Later, with the list that Bo gave him, he downloaded some more music. He scarcely took out his headphones for days, working on schoolwork, walking around campus, laying awake at night in bed.

He did like Bon Iver. But he found he liked the other, louder music as well. Expanding from Bo's list, he searched on the internet for playlists, and streamed them to his phone. Discovered more bands, more songs.

The quieter bands were easy, indie music with soft guitar or piano, like the Lumineers, Daughter, or Ben Howard. Then came the electronic beats, the husky words of The Neighbourhood, The National, and Lorde. He branched out into more, rock or alternative, Fall Out Boy, Linkin Park, Twenty One Pilots...

The first time he heard Fake You Out by Twenty One Pilots he physically had to sit down. Between the lines, " _I'll never be, be what you see inside, you say I'm not alone, but I am petrified,_ " and the frantic rap with, " _What kids are doing are killing themselves, they feel they have no control of their prisoner's cell_ ," he fell apart.

Bo began the next session with a discussion of the new bands Kaldur was listening to. When he got to Twenty One Pilots, he said, "It made me cry."

"It made you cry?" Bo repeated.

Kaldur nodded, staring at his hands. The water bottle. His fingers fidgeted. He couldn't stop them.

"Do you know why, or was it something more subtle?"

"It was what he sung. And how he sung it." Kaldur took a deep breath, and shut his eyes. "Sometimes with everyone I talk to, I feel like they're just... not understanding. Anything. Even the ones who are closest to me. Then a stranger in a song... they sing my own thoughts to me. I think that's why I like music. That's why I've become obsessed with it. I'm..."

"Not alone?" Bo guessed wryly.

Kaldur nodded. Stopped fidgeting, straightened his shoulders.

"Would you say that you enjoy listening to music, or do you feel the obsessive quality you have to the action clouds that?" Bo asked next.

"I don't know." Kaldur said.

"Have you been sleeping?"

"I've slept."

"More or less than usual?"

"That's a skewed question in the first place."

Bo sighed, but offered a small smile. "I think it's a step. It seems to me you've always had a very, very focused life up to this point. It makes sense that you would turn your focus to this. And it's not even particularly destructive. But maybe watch your sleep, your eating. We don't want to waste away, do we?"

Kaldur fidgeted. Stopped himself.

Bo asked next, "Have you harmed yourself since our last visit?"

"No."

"Did you think about it?"

"Not in so many words."

"What do you mean?"

"I'd like to not be here. But I didn't think about anything in particular. Other than intrusive thoughts."

"Like what?"

Kaldur tried not to sigh, failed. "The usual. Step in front of that bus. Jump off that ledge. Stab yourself with that knife. Just for a moment."

"And what makes you _not_ do that?"

"The mess."

"The mess you would make?"

"Yes. I don't want to make someone else a murderer. I don't want to hurt anyone else. And the knife is very bloody. Someone has to clean it up."

"What if you had an intrusive thought for something that wasn't messy? Can you think of one?"

Kaldur's soldier mind easily provided multiple ways to kill someone without making a mess. "Yes."

"And what makes you not do those?"

"The hassle of everyone from last time I tried and failed." Kaldur hesitated.

"And?" Bo prodded.

"Right now, I guess, because I want to know what other kinds of music there are."

Bo's smile beamed brightly. "Exactly. That is exactly what I wanted to hear. The reason I wanted you to seek out something to enjoy isn't _only_ to make your day a little better, but to give you a direction for the future. It doesn't have to be huge. I've had patients tell me they lived for another six months solely to see the release of a video game. It's all about what gets you through this chapter of your life."

"I don't know." Kaldur said. "I still don't feel. Steady."

"And I don't expect you to." Bo said honestly. "I'd love that, but this isn't a problem we can magically fix. The meds are meant to stabilize you, but honestly it's up to you to put your feet back underneath yourself, and find something to hold onto. How are the meds doing, by the way?"

Kaldur talked about that for a bit, even though he still wasn't sure if he liked them. It made everything... weird. It was weird. It wasn't bad, but it definitely wasn't great either.

"Do you want to try a different med?" Bo asked, and Kaldur said no, mostly because he knew that switching meant an even more unstable period in the future, and he didn't think he could deal with that at the current moment. They discussed some options for dealing with intrusive thoughts, but they all seemed so distant, unimportant. Maybe because he didn't mind them -- they didn't scare him. Why would he work hard to make them stop? They weren't really intrusive thoughts if he welcomed them.

Though he texted with all his keepers frequently, it'd been two weeks since he had a visitor, so he wasn't surprised when he got home from class and found Artemis on his couch, legs over the edge, hair hanging off the arm. Kaldur spotted the blonde and removed his headphones, stuffing them in his pocket.

"Artemis." He greeted.

"You get boring channels." Artemis replied, hand raised with the remote and firmly flicking through. "And you were gone forever. What time does your class get out?"

Kaldur had walked around campus for an extra two hours, listening to Mother Mother, wondering if he could get the lines, _'I'm not a monster, I'm a human, and I made a few mistakes,_ ' tattooed on his arm. He said, "I was studying. How are you doing?"

He dropped his bag and took off his coat, bringing his water bottle over and sitting on the arm of the couch when she didn't move her legs.

"I mean, I'm like, a solid five out of ten." Artemis said, cracking her neck and kicking him with her socked foot. "What about you? And no fudging. I'll know."

She would know, not matter how convincingly he thought his lie was. "Three."

"Alright." Artemis said, calm. "Got time to hang out with me? Or is there important homework calling?"

This was meant to give him an out, because she showed up unannounced, and he'd made his intention for space and to be alone clear. Not that she listened to it, after what they'd been through together. But if he said go, she would. Under protest.

"What do you have in mind?" Kaldur asked, since his evening plans were listening to Mother Mother and possibly lying in the bathtub.

"Well, either we get dressed up and go dancing, or we watch Netflix."

Kaldur did not want to go dancing. "What's on Netflix?"

Artemis smiled, and Kaldur knew she'd offered both only to make Netflix seem more appealing. Then she said, "Everything's on Netflix, Kaldur."

"What do you want to watch?" Kaldur amended, ignoring the barb, leaning against her knees.

"I dunno. What's your favourite movie?"

"I haven't watched enough to pick a favourite."

"Right, Atlantis isn't big on movies." Artemis clicked her tongue, and made grabby hands. "Bring me your laptop."

He did not mind having Artemis hang out with him, mostly because he understood that it was not entirely only her checking up on him. It was also because she was fucked up too, and they had a haunting familiarity with each other, borne of dangerous circumstances and shared trauma. He was not afraid to be with her, because there was nothing scary left between them. They had done all of that already. He held her ankle and felt her pulse underneath his finger. She was alive. So, regrettably, was he.

After some movie that Kaldur barely paid attention to, Artemis hugged him, arms tight around his neck and dragging him down to her lazy slouch. He allowed it, still relatively stiff, and patted her arm sympathetically.

"I just want us to be okay." Artemis said.

"We are."

"No. Like, us as individuals. I want to be okay. I want you to be okay."

Kaldur was quiet. All his potential responses seemed wrong. He tried, "You'll get there."

Her brow pinched, and her mouth turned into that miserable twist he hated, and she said, "So will you."

He looked away.

"Do you want me to be okay?" Artemis asked.

"Yes." Kaldur replied immediately. Still stiff in her hug. Getting overly warm by her body heat.

"Do you want to be okay?"

"Yes."

"You're lying."

"The truth will upset you."

"I'd rather be upset than lied to." Artemis gave him a cutting look. "Wouldn't you?"

Kaldur avoided her eye. "Can we be done with this now?"

Artemis sighed, squeezed one last time, and let him go. Kaldur got up and busied himself with cleaning up the popcorn and fetching himself more water. He should've just spent the night lying in the bathtub.

"I'm sorry I'm so shit at helping you." Artemis said, leaning backwards over the arm of the couch in a contortionist pose.

"If you get to be sorry about that, then so do I."

"You've been super helpful."

Kaldur shook his head, and left the safety of the kitchen to sit beside her again. "I've probably been more a hindrance than anything for your own healing process."

"Woah, hey." Artemis sat up so fast she swayed, clutching the cushions to shake off a head rush. "No way. Just having you around is great for me. It's me and you, bud. We're locked for life now."

Kaldur didn't want to go down this road, because it made his stomach feel sour. "Do you have something else you wish to watch?"

"You're changing the subject."

"Yes, I am."

Artemis pulled her long blonde hair over her face and groaned. "No, I'm good. Let's just put the TV back on."

Kaldur disconnected his laptop, pulling it onto the arm of the couch for his own use. Artemis curled up on her side, while the laugh track of FRIENDS echoed in his apartment. He tried to do his readings for his next class, but the flashing show kept distracting him.

"How's therapy going?" Artemis asked, arms hugging herself tight, feet pressing against his thigh.

"I am attending at the intervals required." Kaldur responded, not looking up from the discussion of Foucault's panopticon.

Artemis sighed. "You aren't stupid, so obviously you're being deliberately dense."

"I regret getting to know you so well."

She snorted, pushing her feet into her leg. "How's therapy going?"

"I talk to my therapist."

"Good, but like, is it helping?"

"It isn't hurting."

Artemis was quiet for a minute. "Well, I mean, that's good. And the meds? Have you found one you like?"

"I've found one I don't hate. How is your therapy, Artemis?"

She rubbed her face with both hands. "I think the word grief has lost all meaning."

"Repetitive?"

"Yes. And circular. Because it all comes back to the one thing, the one moment, one..." Her eyes were on the ceiling, as the laugh track rumbled over the uneasy air in the room. "I dunno. I'm trying."

"That is good to hear."

"Are you?"

"I am attending. I am talking. Is that trying?"

"Do you want to feel better?"

Kaldur couldn't stop himself from saying, "Well I sure as hell do not want to feel worse."

Artemis kind of looked like she didn't know if that comment made her want to laugh or cry. "What can I do to help?"

"What can any of us to help? It is a personal battle. Yours and mine."

"No. It's a shared battle. Just like before, except now with more neurons involved."

"You cannot make me want to live, Artemis."

She stood up abruptly, and down the hall to lock herself in the bathroom. Kaldur let her, guilt swirling, and after a few minutes he went to knock.

"I am sorry."

"It's fine." Artemis kicked open the door, and he joined her where she was sitting on the floor, back to the wall and using his hand towel to wipe her tears. "I know I've said it before, but I can't lose you too."

Bone weary. Kaldur had no reply. He didn't want to hurt her. But the problem was that he was cursed. If he stayed, he would hurt her anyway. Everyone around him suffered.

They stayed there, as Artemis pulled herself together. Then she reached out and demanded to hold his hand. He did so.

Distant crackle of the TV, of the city beyond the walls. Kaldur pretended he could hear the ocean on the shore. Thumps in his apartment, polite, because Orin insisted on renting him a nice place. Dinah had tried to talk him into dorms, but Kaldur felt that was unfair to his roommates since he had nightmares, and he didn't know how to be a college student truly. 

Artemis' breathing. Wet and damp. The hum of the electric light above them.

"Do you listen to music?" Kaldur asked.

"Yeah." Artemis said, sniffing, tossing his washcloth up on the counter. "Do you wanna listen to some music?"

"Yes."

She got up, pulling him with her by their interjoined hands. She grabbed his laptop, and opened up Spotify, logging on.

"Here's my current favourite band." Artemis said, hitting play dramatically and filling the room with a snare drum. The album cover said _Paramore_.

They listened to Paramore. Artemis fell asleep, staring at her own hand hanging off the couch, and Kaldur sat there holding her legs, listening to the lyrics: _hey baby I'm not your superhuman / and if that's what you want / I hate to let you down_

Artemis woke him up to say goodbye in the morning, and he grabbed his stuff for class and walked her to the zeta tube. As soon as she was gone, he looked up Paramore on his phone and downloaded all their songs, listening throughout the day.

Roy texted him around dinnertime, _'what's for supper fishsticks'_.

Kaldur had absolutely no plans around dinner. He was still on campus, sitting in the library that gave the best view of a vine-covered courtyard, people-watching and listening to his new band. Occasionally he would do a line or two of homework.

 _'Likely not fishsticks_ ,' Kaldur replied.

 _'ha ha,'_ Roy texted back, then another, _'but really'._

_'I have no current plans. Why do you ask?'_

_'mac and cheese baaabbyyy with mini hotdogs. you in? lian picked out the box covered in ocean creatures in the hopes it would entice you to come.'_

Considering her age, that was unlikely. But Kaldur sighed, packing up his bag. _'How could I say no?'_

Roy had a key to Kaldur's apartment, due to the over protective reasoning of everyone who allowed him to live on his own in Coast City, so Roy had pronounced it only fair that Kaldur have a key to his. But he still knocked as he let himself in, saying, "Hello?"

"Kali!" Lian shrieked, running over on un-even feet, abandoning the effort to crawl the last section of the hallway to reach Kaldur faster.

"Hello little one." Kaldur greeted, dropping to a crouch long enough to scoop the toddler up, and give her a solemn kiss on the forehead. "How are you?"

"Kali!" Lian replied, and thudded her tiny fist against his chest.

"That is good to hear." Kaldur replied, like she'd given a speech instead of a babbled word.

Roy was leaning around the corner of the kitchen, watching, with a half-smile. "Hey man. Like your greeting party?"

"Of course." Kaldur said, with all due seriousness. He carried Lian to the kitchen, where a boiling pot of macaroni filled the room with steam.

Roy was on his phone. "Do you know if babies can eat hot dogs? Baby, can you eat hotdogs?" he directed the second half to Lian, leaning comically close to ask. Lian giggled and thacked him in the nose with her baby fist. He squeezed his eyes shut in time, then threw Kaldur an amused look.

"My search history could be used to blackmail me at this point." Roy said, straightening up and wiping sweat off his forehead as he made a face at his phone. "Oh God. You can't feed babies hot dogs. Damn it."

"A child this age would have an airway the size of a pencil." Kaldur said, trying to relax his posture a bit, to sway like everyone else did when they held babies.

"Even if I cut it up, this mom blogger is shaming me for feeding my baby something so low in nutritional value. Fruit it is!" Roy tossed his phone down, and went back to the fridge, speaking into it, "You like hot dogs, right?"

"I have never had one."

"They're tasty, but don't read the ingredient list." Roy said, throwing two in a pot. "It's probably a pinnacle American experience."

"Your caveat does not endear me." Kaldur said mildly. Lian pulled on his ear. He had a high pain tolerance, so he allowed it without blinking.

"Ignorance is bliss." Roy said. "You can sit, if you want."

Kaldur wasn't big on the whole sitting thing, especially if someone else was standing. But it would be impolite to refuse, so he pulled up a stool at the counter, and balanced Lian.

"Kiddo, let go of Kali's ear." Roy reached over and gently pried her fingers off. "If you pull it off he can't listen to me whine about my new job."

"It is going well?"

Roy groaned, and said, "I don't know what the hell I was thinking, this whole, wanting to be a real adult thing. Getting a real job. I prefer my job where I got to beat people up. This is like... the opposite of that."

"What are they having you do?"

"Urgh. I'm like. The front desk worker. I have to greet people. _Kindly._ Even if they're being a dick. And then do what they need, if they need a pass, or whatever. My boss has been on my case already about smiling. Smiling is the dumbest convention on the planet. Why would I smile at someone if I wasn't happy to see them?" Roy strained the pasta noodles into the sink and shook it out.

"You'll get used to it." Kaldur said, bouncing his leg enough to entertain Lian, who was getting bored of all the talking.

Roy rolled his eyes and served out the macaroni into bowls -- two adult bowls, blue, and one baby bowl, a plastic blue. They got hot dogs and Lian got applesauce.

Roy hauled over the baby chair, and gently retrieved her from Kaldur's arm, throwing him a grateful smile as he did.

Lian held on his ear. He tried to get her to release, saying, "Here you go, you crab fingered child, eat this food and release me from your grips."

Lian giggled, like she understood that he was being ridiculous, and Roy pulled up a chair to supervise that food was being consumed. "Do you wanna grab those?"

Kaldur brought over their own food, with his own chair, and they sat on either side of Lian to keep her from flinging pasta noodles or overturning her applesauce.

"How's your classes?" Roy asked.

"They are fine." Kaldur replied.

Roy absently picked up his daughter's juice and took a sip. She smacked his arm and reached from the sippy cup, looking as offended as a one-year-old baby could. He gave it back. "Are you in midterms yet, or are they still coming?"

"They're fairly soon. Mostly spread out." Kaldur said, because he had midterms over the next month, since some courses had one midterm, and some had two.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes, I should be fine."

"Are you enjoying what you're doing?"

The conversation was no longer pretending to be small talk, and Kaldur focused on stabbing a hotdog with his fork. It was mostly terrible, but kind of disgustingly interesting, where he had another one instead of responding.

"It's fine if you're not." Roy said, trying to sound normal, wiping at Lian's already messy face. "Honestly, I have no idea why you chose to go back to school of all things. I just. You know. Want to know what's up with you."

"My classes are interesting." Kaldur said. "There is always something new to learn."

"That's good. I don't know shit. Tell me about something you learnt this week."

"What do you know about Foucault's interpretation of the panopticon?"

"I know that those are probably words."

Kaldur's lip twitched. "Foucault wrote about a panopticon, which is a circular prison where all the cells face a central guard tower."

"Oh, wait, I actually do know about that." Roy said, raising his eyebrows. "It's like. They can't see the guards but they could be watching at any time, so they're encouraged to behave because of the constant potential for surveillance."

"That is exactly correct." Kaldur said, nodding, taking a sip of his ever-present water bottle. "So it assures automatic functioning of power. The power that anyone holds come from the structure itself, and not one individual."

"Because the guards change all the time, so you don't have to build up the control as a person, the structure of the cell tower does it by itself." Roy tipped his head back and forth. "That's cool. What class is that?"

"Sociology."

"Is it--"

Lian flipped her applesauce and screamed with joy. Roy put his head in his hands, and said, "You are a beautiful angel who has been sent to Earth to punish me for every mess I've ever made."

"She was nearly finished, at least." Kaldur said, putting his bowl down and getting up for a cloth.

"I will never in a million years get my security deposit back." Roy said, rueful, looking at the splatters of applesauce on the wall.

They cleaned up both the apartment and Lian, who managed to consume at least half of what she didn't throw on the floor when they looked away for a second.

"Dada!" Lian asked, and raised her arms.

Roy picked her up, and walked around humming a nonsense song as he tried to eat the rest of his own dinner one-handed, bouncing his daughter absently.

Kaldur ate his own, watching them pace in a circle, and had rather negative thoughts for such a cute scene.

 _I don't belong here_ , one part of his brain said.

 _I will hurt them_ , another said.

 _I am wasting their time_ , yet another said.

 _I do not deserve this_ , a dark corner said.

"Artemis said she crashed on your couch last night." Roy interrupted his brain, not quite cutting through all the fog. Kaldur blinked at him, trying to gather a response.

"Yes." He said.

"Was she..." Roy awkwardly looked away, then back again. "Good? Or?"

"She is alright." Kaldur reported. "As well as can be expected."

"And you?"

Kaldur hated to lie to him. He tried, "The same."

"Right." Roy said. Voice not quite believing. A valiant effort. "So, the panopticon. And sociology. I'm assuming the connection here is control and society?"

Kaldur desperately appreciated the conversation change, and explained the rationale to Roy, in his calm and measure tone.

They finished their own dinner, and Lian demanded to be put down. She crawled to the carpeted living room, where she stood, holding onto the coffee table and digging through the picture books stacked on top. Then she yelled, "Kali!"

Kaldur obeyed her summons, coming to crouch beside her, "Yes, little one?"

"Book." It sounded like 'pook'.

Kaldur sat on the floor with her, and opened the fat cardboard paged picture book. "Ah yes. A classic. You have good taste. Maybe you should attend my lectures."

"Book!" Lian settled herself insistently on his knee and pointed an unsteady chubby finger. He opened the page.

"A cow says moo." Kaldur read. "A sheep says baa. Three singing pigs say la la la."

"No!" Lian said.

"That's correct." Kaldur agreed. "Perhaps this can be the topic of my next essay."

Roy laughed, and Kaldur turned his head to look at him. His best friend was leaning over the back of the couch, braced on his forearms, and staring at the two of them with an expression Kaldur could not name.

"No, no, you say, that isn't right. The pigs say oink all day and night." Roy recited.

"No!" Lian agreed.

"And you're supposed to do a silly voice." Roy pointed out, giving a smile that did horrible things to Kaldur's insides.

"This is the only voice I have." Kaldur replied.

That only made Roy laugh again, and he swung around the couch to join them on the floor, cross legged and leaning back so his hand was planted behind Kaldur's hip, where Lian leaned against his strong bicep.

Kaldur read her the remaining seven cardboard pages of the book, finishing with, "A horse says neigh. It's quiet now, what do you say?"

Lian shrieked, and kicked him multiple times in her enthusiasm. Then said, "Book, book!"

"Is she saying pook or book?"

"No idea." Roy said, placidly. "But she wants you to read it again."

"The same book? There are more on this table, little one."

"Book!"

"Nope. Just that one." Roy said. "Would you like me to recite it with my eyes closed? Because that's how many times I've read it to her."

Kaldur read her the book again. And a third time. At which point she grew bored of it and insisted on standing on Kaldur's knees, balancing in a wobbly fashion that lasted about ten seconds. Anticipating this, he caught her, and swung back to the original position. She giggled, and purposefully overbalanced so he'd do it again.

Roy took out his phone, and Kaldur realized too late that he'd taken a photo. He shot his friend a dry look.

"Come on, watching you playing with babies is like the best thing on the planet." Roy defended, and tapped at his phone more insistently. "I'm gonna frame this one."

"You will not."

"I will. Watch me."

Kaldur found it hard to be threatening when he was trying to keep the squirming Lian from falling on her face. He settled for rolling his eyes, and Lian jumped up and down on his legs with surprising strength.

Lian walked off after a while, holding onto the coffee table, going for a crate full of toys.

"The rabbit." Roy said, rubbing his forehead.

Lian painstakingly picked a blue fluffy rabbit from the crate, pulling so hard to dislodge it that she fell on her butt. Then she dragged the rabbit over and hit Roy with it.

"Gee, thanks kiddo." Roy said.

Lian squealed in reply. She shoved the rabbit at Kaldur.

"Thank you." Kaldur said. "What do I do with it?"

"Play with it?" Roy suggested.

Kaldur picked up the rabbit, and did not know what to do from there.

Roy noticed his hesitation, and said, "Like, make it dance or something. That'll make her laugh. Or fight it. It's hard to tell with her."

Kaldur was too slow, though, and she took the rabbit back by the ear and dragged it along the carpet, singing a made up song full of nonsense vowels. Then she tried to eat her favourite book.

"Never a dull moment." Roy said, coaxing her to not do that. "Uh, if you have homework or whatever, don't feel like you have to stay in this circus."

"I do not mind." Kaldur said, because he knew that Roy wanted him to stay.

They got Lian some milk and she calmed down, and got tired, and was almost asleep before Roy could change her into tiny adorable pajamas, and put her down for the night. It was sixty to zero, suddenly quiet in the apartment.

"Thanks for playing." Roy said, moving around his kitchen and turning the kettle on. "Want something to drink?"

"I'm fine." Kaldur lifted his water bottle, that he'd refilled already. "Where have you been bringing her while you're at work?"

"If she not with any of our army of superhero babysitters, I have a daycare down the road." Roy said, apparently making himself coffee despite the evening hour. "Sometimes I'll go patrol if I've got a sitter on lock, but honestly, I haven't had the energy or time. I feel pretty shitty about it, and maybe it'll change later, but right now... you just saw what it's like. Constant attention. I feel even worse when I'm out breaking bones when I know my daughter wants me to read her the same book over and over into eternity."

"You're a good father." Kaldur said.

Roy did smile at that, if Kaldur didn't know better he'd describe it as shy, rubbing the back of his neck. "Yeah, thanks. I'm trying, I guess. Uh, listen, we can't go out or anything, but if you wanna do anything that doesn't involve leaving this apartment or being louder than a television, I'm all yours."

Kaldur avoided thinking about the dangerous potential of that offer. Roy was not his to have.

"Whatever you desire." Kaldur passed the offer back to him.

Roy shrugged. "I've got a bunch of emails to catch up on, and a guilty pleasure soap opera to watch. Did you bring your laptop?"

Kaldur brought his bag over to the couch to do some studying, and Roy sat on the other side. General Hospital was PVR'ed, and Roy put it on. His love was no secret between them -- over the years Kaldur would visit and they would watch, to the point where Kaldur recognized some of the characters and plots.

Roy didn't like people to know he watched it, but it was a leftover from Ollie. He used to watch it obsessively, and Roy would pretend to hate it. But the moment he moved out, he still recorded it, and still watched it. Kaldur had long been sworn to secrecy that he would never tell Ollie that Roy was quite invested in the show as well.

"What's wrong with Kevin?" Kaldur asked.

Roy laughed. "That's his evil twin Ryan, he's pretending to be Kevin."

"Right." Kaldur said. And found himself disturbed by the scene. His family and friends did not seem to notice that Kevin was not who he said he was.

Something about the deception made Kaldur think about all his close family and friends who so willingly accepted that he was capable of evil.

His stomach and ribs froze like ice. It was uncomfortable, suffocating, sudden and strong and so, so cold. He was cold. Before the episode was even finished, he shut his laptop. "I would like to stay, but I have an early class."

Roy looked up. Eyes narrowing a little. He said, "What's up?"

"I have an early class." Kaldur repeated. Playing dumb, even as he knew it wouldn't work.

Roy scoffed. "Don't fuck with me, Kaldur. Come on."

Kaldur didn't meet his eye. He wanted to talk to him about it, about the sudden thoughts and self hatred swirling inside him.

But Roy had believed it. He had believed it was him.

"Thank you for inviting me over." Kaldur said, stiff, proper, putting his laptop away and shouldering his bag. "I will see you later."

Roy put his hot black coffee down and straightened up, "No, seriously, come on man. I know something's up. What is it? You've gone all... robot Kaldur."

He bristled at the accusation, aware it was true, since it was pretty much his defence mechanism, and he hated that Roy knew him well enough to recognize the turmoil in his head.

"Do not worry about it." Kaldur was trying very hard to flee, and Roy made it hard. He got up and took Kaldur's arm.

His heart galloped in his chest, at the expression on Roy's face, the way he was angry and worried all at once. Fiercely and unceasing -- Roy.

He wasn't sure what point he realized he was in love with Roy, but as soon as he knew he decided he could never hurt him like that.

When the team was formed and Roy bristled, and pushed them away, Kaldur knew that he loved him, and he knew that holding onto him would only make him go further away. That he had an unfortunate habit of digging himself into deep holes with the ones he loved and they would never join him, they would leave him alone in the dark.

He thought that withholding his affection was a kindness. He did not want to hurt them. And maybe he didn't want them to hurt him.

Kaldur was cursed. He thought that over and over, like an ice cold mantra, and he refused to bring Roy down, to poison him. He had a daughter that needed him. Kaldur would ruin everything, like he always, always did.

Seeing Roy's furious and concerned face hurt, but giving in would hurt more. So he said, "I am fine. I will see you later."

"Promise?" Roy said, and it was a challenge.

His heart felt like it was a spinning top, dangerously swaying from side to side. He lifted his chin, and said, "Yes."

Roy let him go. And Kaldur left.

It hurt. In a sharp, unexpected way. He'd been avoiding thinking about that aspect of everything -- pushing it away. But it was true -- everyone believed he could have been evil. It was like watching the soap opera, where you waited for someone to stand up and say, "But that's _not_ you!"

And you wait, and you wait, and you wait.

On their very first session together, Kaldur and Bo made something called a safety plan. At the time, he was a cold ball of barbed wire, and not very easy to work with. The point of the plan was this -- if he felt like his mood had taken a dangerous turn, or that he might hurt himself, he was to take out the plan. Since that first session where he resisted, they'd practiced going through it, amended it with more cooperation together.

Kaldur put his headphones in and took the zeta back to Coast City. He did not go home, instead to the Starbucks down the street. He sat down and took out his laptop, ordering a tea he wasn't really planning on drinking.

His safety plan was saved on his phone. The first section was an identification of his triggers. They had worked on that section a lot, digging into his psyche to find the moments he felt the most tremulous and unstable and like he had no control, no future.

This was a trigger -- the soap had reminded him of something he had been avoiding thinking about. Though Kaldur wouldn't describe it as such, Bo called his stint as a villain a 'traumatic event'. 

Next was a discussion of the warning signs that lead to suicidal thoughts, like thinking things weren't going to get better, negative emotions like hopelessness or shame, feeling suffocating sensations, and isolation.

Then management of triggers. Reminding himself of reality, grounding techniques, relaxation techniques, working through the event.

Which moved into coping strategies. It was laid out like a set of commands, because Bo understood his craving for structure and that he would follow orders if given clear and firmly enough. It meant to be a step by step guide he could read when he was in so deep he couldn't remember what to do. The very first step was to put himself in an environment that would make it hard for him to hurt himself. Either a public place, or with friends.

Then it encouraged him to talk to family or friends, sleep, go for a walk, watch a movie, all before hurting himself. There was a list of his reasons for living, and finally phone numbers as a last resort. Suicide hotlines, and his therapist's personal phone number.

The list of his reasons for living had taken way too long to come up with. Currently, it read:

His mother, Orin, Roy, Lian, Artemis, and added only recently, music.

Kaldur had followed his first step. He had felt the dangerous, too much feeling, and he'd put himself in a public Starbucks. But looking at the rest of the safety plan, he didn't want to bother with the rest of it. It seemed so pointless. So what if he did this stuff? Did it matter?

But they'd spent so long working on it in his sessions, and drilling it, that when the emotions became too much, he'd obeyed. Because he was a good soldier.

A crushing darkness seemed to encase his neck. His thoughts were cold and his heart felt like a squirming slimy fish in between his ribs. He hugged his arms tightly around himself, pretending to look at his laptop, while glazed eyes tortured himself with thoughts of the things he'd done.

Could he even be mad? That they believed it? He'd still done so many things he carried with him like hauling around a dead body. Or two, or three, or-

He opened his phone to change the song, because the beat was assaulting his head, and saw his safety plan still open. He hesitated.

Did he feel like he was going to hurt himself?

Kaldur wasn't sure. But he definitely felt like he was hurting, like the pain was pressing him into a tiny, crushed ball. Was that the same?

He wanted the pain to stop. Maybe that was the same. The shame and guilt of everything that happened was dogging him, relentless, and he wanted it to stop.

He was listening to Of Monsters and Men, because it was still his favourite, and it was interrupted by a soft chime.

Orin texted him, Atlantean lettering custom on his phone from Dick. It read: ' _Good evening Kaldur'ahm.'_

Breathless, he thought... damn you Roy.

And he responded, ' _Good evening my King'._

' _If you are still up, I was hoping you might join me for a swim.'_

He felt cold, cold, cold. He was still horribly upset. He didn't want to inflict himself on his King. He sat there staring at his phone, while the Icelandic band hummed in his ears. He could brush him off. Say he needed to sleep.

But Kaldur had not swam in so long. Maybe it was denial of a pleasure, or a form of self punishment. But now upon reading his words, it was probably the only thing Kaldur could not turn down.

 _'If that is what you desire.'_ Kaldur replied, finally.

 _'I would greatly appreciate your company._ ' Orin responded, immediately.

Kaldur packed up his laptop and left his untouched tea. He stopped in his apartment only long enough to put on something to wear in the water, and walked down to the coast of Coast City.

Orin was already there, the moon nearly full and streaking across the ocean. Docked boats bobbed, and Orin was speaking seriously to a fisherman, head and shoulders out of the water.

Kaldur hesitated, but lowered himself off the dock and into the water. Once submerged, his gills loosened and two breaths were to clear the dust and pollen and surface grossness.

The water surrounded him, engulfed him, and it was nothing like cramping himself into the bathtub.

He could see Orin's legs, and after a moment his King flipped down into the swirling water underneath the docks, lapping with the ocean tide onto the shore, and smiled upon seeing Kaldur.

"My King." Kaldur saluted solemnly.

"Kaldur'ahm." Orin returned it, then kicked forward to hug him tightly to his chest.

Kaldur startled, then slowly returned it. He swallowed nervously, feeling strange and as if his body wasn't his own.

Orin pulled him to arms length, and the smile was there but so was a little pinch between his brows. Worry.

Kaldur hated doing that to his King. He said, "I am fine." The Atlantean smooth on his tongue.

"Yes. Forgive me for worrying about you, but I can not help it." Orin said, squeezing his shoulders.

The water was cooling his hot neck, where the anxiety sat, and he ducked his head. "Did Roy message you?"

"He cares about you." Orin said, which was an answer in itself. "He is afraid that he did something to upset you."

Emotions battled. That Roy did do something wrong. That he didn't. That Kaldur did everything wrong. The war must've shown on his face, for Orin was staring at him searchingly, like he was trying to figure Kaldur out.

"I am fine." Kaldur said, at last. "You need not trouble yourself over me."

Orin smiled a little wry. "I am always going to trouble myself over you, Kaldur'ahm, it is my pleasure to do so, to see you safe and happy."

Kaldur swallowed. Tried to form a response, and managed, "Thank you, my King. But it is unnecessary."

Orin ceased trying to fight Kaldur's self esteem, instead saying, "I wanted to circle the shores, and you have always been the best company for a long swim. Thank you for joining me."

Kaldur had that really annoying feeling like he wanted to cry again, so he just nodded. Orin took one last seeking look at his face, and released him. "Let us go."

They went. Kaldur swam. They did not go anywhere within a thousand miles of Atlantis but his nerves still prickled at the implications of being in the ocean, of swimming so freely in the sea. He did not deserve this.

Between Orin and Kaldur they found a rainstorm and rescued some overturned boaters, but otherwise it was a normal night. Kaldur's muscles were singing with effort, all of them unused to extended swimming again. As they circled the coasts, his mind played many different tunes. The anger and the guilt and the shame, which with each stroke of his legs he pushed it back, shoving it back down to where it was idle poison instead of an active death. He spoke to Orin about Mera and his family. About the League and other things he missed.

Kaldur knew Orin was disappointed when Kaldur refused to lead the team, despite the kind offer after everything that happened. But he did not let the disappointment get in the way, even when Kaldur ceased heroing almost all together. He did not consider himself a hero anymore. He had never done anything else with his life but fight.

Kaldur had thought their relationship would be over without it. He was wrong.

By the time they were returning to Coast City, he'd run out of things to obsess over in his head, and instead he was subjected to a loop of the chorus of Black Water. He looked out on the ocean as the words rang, 'in the deepest depths I lost myself'.

And when Orin swum with him all the way to the shore, saying that he was welcome to message him anytime if he wanted to swim, don't stay locked up on that dry city.... the following line, 'I see myself through someone else'.

What did Orin see? Whatever it was, it mattered to Kaldur so much. He wished it didn't, but it did. Did he see someone he was proud of? Or, more likely, was it shame and guilt and blame and...

"I do not mean to pester," Orin began, as they were under the docks once more.

Kaldur bit back the sarcastic reply of, ' _then don't'_. This was his King.

"But I hope you are getting the help you need." Orin's lips thinned, and he had a strange expression. "I hope you feel that you can speak with me about anything on your mind."

"Of course my King." Kaldur said, reflexively.

Orin sighed. "With me, or anyone else. We want the best for you. I do not ever want to again see you as you were..."

Kaldur's throat hurt. He swallowed again the rock stuck in there, and said, "I understand, my King."

"I hope you do." Orin said, and it was sad and tired and weary. "I will not lose you. Not again."

Kaldur could not promise that. He could barely meet his eyes. He said, "Thank you for the swim, my King."

"Anytime, Kaldur'ahm. Please get some rest. Your mother would have my head if she knew how tired you look."

Kaldur merely nodded, and kicked up to reach the planks of the dock. He heaved himself up, feeling Orin's gaze remain unwavering until he was out of sight.

Stupid Roy. He was pretty sure there was a group chat expressly dedicated for talking about his mental health. He would be angrier about that if he didn't feel he deserved it after the stunt he pulled. Knowing Roy, he chose Orin because that was the one person he would have the hardest time saying no to.

Stupid Roy who knew him like the back of his hand.

It was very late now - the moon hidden by clouds. Kaldur took his weary body home and immediately plugged in his headphones to play the song stuck in his head. He thought about texting Roy something scathing about how the next time he was upset, he would call Ollie on him, and see how he liked it.

Except that he didn't feel that dangerous feeling anymore. He felt tired and sad but more that he wanted to go to sleep. So he did.

In the morning his legs hurt in the best way, and he spent ages staring at his messages app trying to decide what he wanted to text Roy and coming up with nothing.

He had his appointment with Bo before class again, and brought his water bottle.

Bo had to get his attention in the lobby again, because Kaldur was sitting there, head bowed, phone in hand with music playing in his ears. He startled at the touch, and Bo smiled apologetically.

They set up in the small office, with the window showing out into the larger building instead of outside, with dots of people and green plants. Kaldur found his knee was bouncing and grit his teeth to restrain himself into stopping.

"How's it going, Kaldur?" Bo asked, flicking his pen around his fingers. His jean jacket had patches on them, logos Kaldur didn't recognize.

There was a tiny cut on the edge of Kaldur's nails that was burning, and he unthinkingly chewed on it, making it worse. His eyes were on the patches -- did he recognize one?

Bo tracked his movements. His face was kind. He offered, "You seem on edge today."

Since this was not his King, he said, testy, "Do I?"

Bo snorted. "Oh that's fair. Sorry, pointing out the obvious is in my job description. Unfortunately for you, talking about it is in yours. What's up?"

Kaldur stood up. If that surprised Bo, he didn't show it, so Kaldur began to pace. Hands behind his back, clenching hard, along with his jaw.

"If you want to pace the room for an hour that's cool with me. We're all about whatever helps you." Bo said, pulling his legs up and taking a sip of his latte. "But if you wanna talk, I'm listening and you know I won't judge. I just had a patient painstakingly describe their bowel movements to me earlier. It can only go up from here."

Kaldur tried to loosen how his shoulders were up to his ears. He hadn't realized that he had pushed all his stuff down into a box the night before, and the closer it got to his therapy appointment, it had unwound again.

As much as he wanted to be a cold ball of barbed wire... he didn't want that helpless, dangerous feeling again. And he knew from previous experience that Bo would listen, and give sound, reasonable advice. And he didn't even seem to exist outside of this room. There would be no consequences to telling him. At least, no negative ones.

Kaldur did not stop pacing. But he did explain what happened the night before, in very clinical terms. Hung out with Roy. Watched TV. The show made him think about the betrayal, both his own and other peoples in believing it. How he felt, what he did afterwards.

"How did you feel?" Bo asked.

Kaldur grabbed his water bottle, had a sip. "Are you really paid just to ask how people feel?"

"Well, normally, I don't have to pry it out with a crowbar." Bo's smile had white teeth, wry. "I understand the events, but you didn't talk about what you felt. For example, when you made the connection with the TV show. What did you feel?"

"Cold."

"In what way?"

"In the way that my ... my insides were cold. Frozen."

"Have you felt that way before?"

Kaldur hadn't even made the connection, but yes, he had. He stopped mid pace, and said, "Yes. While I was... Manta."

Bo leaned against his knee, arms folded over. His eyes were sad. "And you felt it was dangerous?" Bo asked, quiet.

Kaldur scratched his arms, feeling exposed. "It was like... I don't know. Sudden. Overwhelming."

"I know I've said this before and you hated it," Bo said, and Kaldur took a moment to brace himself with a sentence starter like that. "But your time with your father was traumatic. And trauma changes our brains, our chemistry gets fucked up. And to me, in my opinion, it sounds like you had a flashback. Because it's not just memories, but feelings can be remembered too. And having a flashback threw you into a state you weren't prepared for. But you listened to your safety plan, and I'm super happy about that."

Kaldur frowned at him, and admitted, "I didn't really. I got to the Starbucks but I was too frozen to do anything else. I just kept thinking about it, I didn't try to stop myself from thinking about it."

"Except you did." Bo pointed out. "When Orin contacted you, you went. And exercise is a very good way to cope, especially since you did it with a loved one. I think you get a gold star for how you dealt with this episode, actually."

Kaldur didn't feel like it. He still felt strung up, exhausted. But he finally sat down, and fidgeted with his water bottle. Stopped himself.

"I want to talk about how you felt some more, though," Bo said, and of course he did. Kaldur tried, he really did. But it was hard to sum up all the conflicting things all at once.

"It doesn't matter that they don't make sense." Bo told him, after he'd spit some of the mess out of his head and apologize for it not making sense. "It matters that you feel them. Not just to ignore it. To really think, okay. I feel guilty. Why? And open it up, and question, should I really? What logic is that based on? Is it a cognitive distortion? And maybe that the guilt is misplaced. Or maybe it's not, and that you should work on a healthy way to deal with it. But shoving all your emotions away isn't going to solve anything. It will only mean you'll be in that dangerous place again."

Kaldur tried to breathe normally, but sometimes in that office it became too hard. He said, "Excuse me," and left.

Thinking about what he felt as Manta was too much. He didn't want to pull it apart, to apply logic. Because then, he'd see, he'd see...

He was afraid what he would see. What he would find in his own broken mind. He did not want to do that. He wanted to continue to suffocate his feelings into nothingness.

Kaldur merely walked down the hall and sat outside the office on a bench. After a moment, Bo followed, offering his backpack.

"You can go if you want." Bo said, sitting down on the bench with him. Kaldur breathed the air that wasn't tiny four walls and Bo forcing him to admit the poison that was his own feelings. Forcing him to deal with things that were better left locked away. Safer. "I have some homework for you, though."

Kaldur tensed, even though Bo's homework was usually dumb things. Like have breakfast, or take a nap. He didn't need to be afraid, because Bo said, "I want you to spend the next couple days between our sessions looking at people's clothes. And I want you to come back and tell me five pieces of clothing that you thought were cool. Like, say, a pair of boots or a hat. Sound cool?"

Kaldur nodded, unable to speak. Bo smiled, dimples and white teeth, and got up. "Take it easy, Kaldur. If you need me, you know where to call."

Then Bo stepped back inside the office. Kaldur tried to breathe. Then dug out his headphones, and put his music back on. He'd just found a band called PVRIS. He liked the song Empty. _Some would say I'm possessed, yeah / but I'll confess I've just been obsessed / with life and death and emptiness, I guess / can't you see all of the change in me?_

And he didn't move, waiting for the beautiful voiced singer to scream her words in a tortured voice, ' _what do you want from me?'_

Then he got up and went to class, because that's what he had to do. He didn't give himself a second option.

Looking at the clothes of others was an easy distraction. Kaldur found he hadn't really looked at other people's clothing as anything other than an evaluation standpoint. Would they be warm enough? Cool enough? Prepared enough? Did it state something noteworthy about their personality? Or their intentions? 

But Bo wanted him to spot clothes he found _cool_. Kaldur had little to base this perception off of, because all of his clothing was either assigned, a uniform, or entirely for practical use.

He didn't spot anything he liked at school, but on the bus ride home there was a girl with a red and black striped hat, slouchy off the back of her head. And Kaldur obediently took out his phone and made a new note. He liked it because it looked warm, but also because the small zig zagged striped pattern gave her a particular aura.

At home, he contemplated whether or not to text Roy. Eventually indecision kept him from doing so, and he tried to do some homework, listened to PVRIS, and looked up fashion blogs.

It was like research. He didn't understand why Bo cared, but he was following orders. He treated it like another assignment, critically looking at what people wore and if he thought it was 'cool'. This distracted him for about an hour, and he only found one other item he liked: dark jeans with rips in the knees. They were a recurring theme in a lot of photos, and Kaldur found he thought it was quote-unquote cool. Maybe because growing up in the military as a child soldier, that was very much out of the realm of his usual experience.

The next time he saw Bo, he'd collected three other items from a guy in the library, another girl on the bus, and someone who was waiting in the Starbucks line up. He read Bo his list: the red striped hat, dark ripped jeans, a band t-shirt he saw for Fall Out Boy, a heavy cloth jacket with lots of pockets, and dark ankle boots. He was reasonably proud of himself that he'd picked five separate clothing items to make a complete fake outfit.

"Now Kaldur," Bo said, after telling him how proud he was, "You think all of these clothes are cool. And I understand that you have a strange relationship with clothing, considering a lifetime of uniforms. Don't think I haven't noticed you own like four basic functional outfits you cycle through. But I wanted you to pay attention to other people wore as a mental exercise. To realize that you could wear things like that too."

Kaldur should have realized this was where this was going, but he did not. He swallowed, and said, "I couldn't wear ripped jeans."

"Why not?"

"Because it is not professional."

"Who says you have to be professional?"

"I can't just wear anything."

"Again, why not?"

"I have an image to maintain."

"The thing about clothes, is that it's how you present yourself to the world. It's a bigger part of our identity than we realize. And it's one that you've had to close up and obey someone else's orders for your entire life. But right now? You're a University student. No one expects anything from you except to, like, not be naked in class. Haven't you ever noticed others coming to class in sweats or pajamas?"

Kaldur shifted uncomfortably. "But I am different."

"Okay. But you don't have to be."

He didn't want to feel like Bo was right, but he was right. Kaldur was perfectly capable of wearing whatever he wanted. It was just that he hadn't even thought about what he wanted to wear until Bo made him focus on it. And haltingly, hesitatingly, he went to the mall. Very awkwardly browsed the windows, looking for anything similar to what he saw. Just one thing, he told himself. Something to show Bo, to show he listened, then he could drop it.

In a Target, he found a section full of hats. Soft beanies of many colours. None of them would be regulation. But they looked kind of warm. There was a dark red beanie that he drifted back to, multiple times, before he gave in and tried it on. it was warm, so functional. And it looked... cool.

Kaldur bought it, justifying that the weather was getting colder as fall went on, and he spent a lot of time wandering around outside. But instead of politely taking off his hat indoors, he forced himself to leave it on, like all the other students seemed to do.

It shouldn't have been such a big deal, but Kaldur spent the whole time feeling watched, feeling like everyone knew how weird he found the experience. But nothing happened.

Nothing happened. He wore a hat and nothing happened. It felt so stupid and so huge.

Roy finally was the one to give in and text him. It merely said, _'alright?'_

 _'Yes._ ' Kaldur replied, after mulling over it for a while. He thought he was mad at Roy. But maybe that was just a storm in his head. It passed.

It was the weekend. He got a text from Dick. This was surprising, since he was fairly sure Dick was avoiding him.

The text said, ' _can we talk?'_

Kaldur fidgeted with his water bottle. Stopped himself. Then replied, _'Yes.'_

' _where is good for you?'_

Kaldur wanted to go somewhere he could leave. _'I can come over'._

Dick texted him an address, a safehouse in Gotham. Kaldur slightly regretted his decision to go to him, but zeta'ed over. He kind of felt like he was undercover -- walking with his dark red beanie, headphones in ears.

In the end, he was glad he agreed to come over, because Dick was in the middle of three separate things, picking apart a case, what appeared to be a pulled apart engine on the floor, and a laptop running some long calculating numbers.

"Hey." Dick stood up when he came in though, face passive. Kaldur had already removed his headphones and beanie, shoved in his pockets.

"Dick." Kaldur greeted, neutral as well.

"Uh." Dick said. "Come in. Sorry it's a mess."

"It is alright." Kaldur was more stiff than he wanted to be, but he was on his guard. He didn't like to be on his guard around Dick, but the radio silence lately put him on edge.

"Listen," Dick got up and met him, standing in front. "I really felt I owed you this in person. I'm sorry, Kaldur."

That shouldn't have been a surprise. It still was. Kaldur flickered his eyes at him in response, and said, "You have nothing to apologize for."

Dick blew out a huge breath, "Believe me, other parties believe otherwise. And they're right. I've been pretty shitty to you, and you didn't deserve it. Don't deserve it."

Kaldur wondered who gave him trouble -- likely Artemis, but it could have just as easily been Roy. Maybe even both. "Do not feel you owe me an apology. I have requested my space of late, and you are more than welcome to do the same."

"There's a big difference between giving space and actively avoiding someone." Dick said, and he sounded so tired. His shoulders were rounded, and his eyes darker than usual. "Which I shouldn't have done. I should have just talked to you."

Maybe it was Dinah. That sounded like Dinah's spiel. Kaldur said, "I am not angry with you."

"Of course you're not." Dick rubbed his forehead. "Okay. Well. You should be. Because you're my friend, and we've been friends for a long time. We're supposed to be there for each other. And I wasn't. You... you... you did ... that. And I wasn't there."

"You are going through a lot as well." Kaldur pointed out. "And I think I am smart enough to use a phone."

Dick's lip twitched, and he fought back a smile that was sad as it was amused. "Yeah. Well. Whether or not I owe you an apology not-withstanding, maybe an explanation."

Kaldur shrugged. "You are angry with me for attempting to take my own life, and you did not wish to impede any progress I made by confronting me about it."

"That." Dick agreed slowly. "Yes. And just. Wally. And everything we did. It was..."

"Too much?" Kaldur guessed, because he felt the same way.

Dick's shoulders managed to slump lower. "Yeah. It was shitty of me to pretty much drop you, regardless."

"If you are angry with me, then you should be." Kaldur said. "I don't believe I deserve any special treatment for what I did."

"I'm not... angry at you." Dick rubbed his face and paced away from him. "Maybe I'm angry at myself for not noticing in time, or for the universe for putting us in this situation, or something."

Kaldur had nothing to say that would not be disparaging, so he said nothing at all, watching his old friend walk a circle.

"Or maybe you too." Dick sighed. "Which is unfair. But also true. What the fuck, man?"

He finally spun around, and met Kaldur's gaze head on. That was more familiar. The passion. It was hard to see Dick without it, and even though the anger was directed at him, he preferred it. Dick continued, "Like, seriously? That's where you give up? When we've finally won? You're just gonna leave Artemis and I with nobody?"

Kaldur blinked slowly, and did not look away. He waited for Dick to inevitably continue, because the questions were rhetorical.

Dick threw his hands up. "And like, why didn't you come and talk to me before you did it? Why didn't you tell me or Artemis or hell, _Roy,_ who was pretty fucked up over the whole thing by the way. If you'd said the word we would've helped you. You didn't have to go there."

"I know." Kaldur said, when a response was expected from him.

"You knew?"

"I knew you would try to help. That's why I didn't ask."

Dick made a loud frustrated sound and stalked away. Kaldur kept his trembling hands behind his back, his soldier at ease position -- a soldier getting a dressing down. He'd been expecting it. It didn't stop how it was digging up some stuff he didn't want it to.

"Why not?" Dick demanded. "Why not ask for help? We're heroes aren't we, we save each other. But you wouldn't let me, wouldn't let us save you. You're barely letting us now. Why?"

Kaldur thought, because I don't deserve it. But did not say it.

Dick was smarter than that -- knew him too long, or knew body language too well, either way, he strode forward and grabbed Kaldur's shoulders. "You don't think we should help you, and you're wrong. And maybe it's our fault that you don't know that too. Maybe we haven't said it enough, over the years, everything you've ever done for us. But you are important. You are so God damn important and it pisses me off that you didn't know that enough to... to..."

Kaldur finally looked away, unable to keep his perfect composure any longer. Dick looked the other way, and they stayed in a strange silent stand off.

"Look at me." Dick said, dead voiced, and his hands dropped. "I call you over to apologize and I end up yelling at you. I'm sorry. I'm a mess right now. I'm trying to work on it."

Kaldur reached out and finally met him halfway, touching his arm. "Maybe I'm sick of everyone's soft words and reassurances. Maybe it's time someone yelled at me."

"Did it help?" Dick asked, voice wry, like he knew the answer.

Kaldur shrugged. "I don't think it's so easily solved."

"No." Dick agreed, tired. "I don't think so either. I'm sorry, for real. I'm angry but really I'm just happy you're still here to keep trying. To try and solve it. And I won't avoid you anymore. I promise."

Kaldur nodded. Not sure what else he could do. Because Dick seemed to think this was a road where he would get better, but in Kaldur's head, there still wasn't a foreseeable future. He was still waiting for the best opportunity to escape the pain. But he knew that was the last thing Dick would want to hear.

"What are you working on?" Kaldur asked, hoping to distract him.

It absolutely did distract him. Dick tugged on his hair and stalked back over to his table with all his papers and the running laptop and the engine and began to explain the incredibly long and complicated story. Kaldur sat down, and dedicated a few hours to helping Dick figure it out.

Kaldur figured he owed him, after what he'd put him through. And it was a nice distraction for himself as well.

When Kaldur left, he said, "Let me know if you need any help."

Dick said, "Not to be a jerk, but I thought you were out?"

Kaldur shrugged. "I am. There are many ways to help. And you called me over to apologize, but I do believe I owe you one as well. For-"

"Apology accepted." Dick raised a hand to stop him, then turned it into a fist. "I'm good if you're good."

Kaldur bumped his fist against his, remembering a very younger version of this man teaching the motion to a clueless Atlantean. "We are good, my friend."

Kaldur stepped out, plugged his headphones in, and put his hat back on, and watched to the Zeta tube with his hands in his pockets.

Maybe he should've been angry with Dick. But he really wasn't. He knew that he hurt Dick - by refusing the leadership role, by trying to kill himself, by not reaching out when Dick started to avoid him ... and he knew that there was no reason to hate Dick. He was just trying his best, in terrible circumstances. They'd been friends for a long time, and Kaldur saw how much everything affected him. How much weight was dragging him down.

He had passed the leadership role to Barbara, but still ended up sticking his fingers in pies. Dick was never going to be the type to quit and go to college. He was a born hero.

Kaldur thought he was too. Now he wasn't so sure.

When Kaldur returned to his apartment, there was a square package stuck in his mailbox. He retrieved it, the front scrawled with familiar thick handwriting.

_Kaldur -_

_This is not a bomb._

_\- Roy_

He couldn't help the snort, and brought the brown package inside. Despite the obvious joke, with their hero lifestyles the message was appreciated to curb any paranoia.

It was a picture frame. Kaldur could tell before he even peeled back the paper. It revealed a glossy photograph in an oak frame.

The picture was Kaldur and Lian, from when he visited recently. They were sitting on the carpeted floor, Lian standing her little socked feet on his knees. Kaldur was steadily holding her up by the middle, while she reached her little arms towards his face, laughing with a wide mouth. Kaldur was leaning forward to meet her, foreheads almost touching, and while he didn't remember smiling, it was right there on his face.

He stared for maybe too long. Then put it on his coffee table, out in the open. He pulled out his phone and stared at the text messages with Roy. He probably knew about Dick's apology, so he could stop by and drop it off.

He wanted to text Roy but he still didn't know what to say. Sorry? Thank you?

I love you?

Emotions for Roy were as complicated as every other damn thing in his head. Kaldur sighed, and went to go lie in the bathtub. He figured out he could play music from his phone and prop it on the counter, and stared at the too-familiar tiles as he thought about swimming and babies and Dick frustrated tugging at his own hair.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two things
> 
> 1 - shoutout to rockscanfly for the insightful conversation that has helped me immensely w this fic  
> 2 - a commenter requested a spotify playlist so here is a hastily thrown together mess: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1lciUGOSUdg3NVL0Cezw7j

M’gann texted him in the morning. Kaldur knew that she still felt guilty and awkward, and she pushed through it with usual cheeriness to occasionally message him funny team anecdotes or pictures of wildlife she saw. He tried to be as calm and understanding with her as possible, but sometimes he thought of her and his mind hurt in a jagged, fragmented way. But since his quote-unquote breakdown, she'd been the friend he could count on to hang out with and not have to discuss anything in the past.

The text was: _'I'm in the area and we should get lunch!! If you're not in class, if you are that's fine.'_

And a few emojis. Kaldur hated that he hesitated, because she was his friend. But eventually he responded, _'Yes, I can meet at 1.'_

Kaldur willingly utilized the breathing techniques that Bo had taught him. His therapist explained to him that by breathing deeply, it slowed the heart down, and relaxed the negative feedback loop. The loop of -- _my heart is racing, something must be wrong, something must be wrong because my heart is racing_. Normally Kaldur didn't think he needed that kind of special treatment, but he was going to be eating lunch with a mind reader. One that he desperately wanted to believe he was okay.

M’gann and Kaldur met in the mall near his university. He was pulled directly into a hug, and he said amusedly into her ear, "Hello M’gann."

"Hi Kaldur." M’gann pulled back to smile with all her teeth. They were in public, so she was wearing her fake-fake-skin, and a stylish dark long-sleeve dress. "How have you been doing? We've all missed you."

"I am well, thank you for asking. How have you been? And the team?"

M’gann was more than happy to tell him as they walked the food court. Kaldur followed her and ended up with Thai food.

She insisted he talk about his schooling, mutually keeping the conversation away from his mental health. Both of them valiantly pretending everything was normal. 

"Do you have to get back to class?" M’gann asked when they finished eating, tucking a short strand of red hair behind her ear. "I was window shopping while I was waiting for you and they had the cutest figures."

Kaldur had time, and agreed with only a little reluctance. The figures in a cramped comic book store were of the League, and Kaldur lingered over the Aquaman toy despite himself.

"I'm going to buy Uncle J'onn's." M’gann announced, after inspecting each one for accuracy. "I'll get you Aquaman's too."

"You don't have to." Kaldur said immediately, but she plucked it from his hands and brought it to the cashier.

Feeling silly, he thanked her regardless, and they wandered around the mall a little more. They walked through an H&M touching sleeves to see prices and comparing colours.

She shot him a smile over the racks. "I like this practice. It's like a whole culture built around the mall. When I lived ..." she glanced at the other customers milling around, and amended to, "When I was _home_ and watching TV, going to the mall was something I'd always dreamed of doing. Not because of shopping necessarily, but because they have this culture of going to the mall with someone, walking around, like... it's an experience together." Then she ducked her head. "That sounds silly."

"It's not." Kaldur said. They'd always bonded best when discussing the customs of humans. He offered, "It's not something I have ever experienced. You're right, it has a culture."

"Thank you for coming with me then." M’gann smiled, but there was an uneasy wobble to it, "There's still so many things both you and I haven't experienced yet."

Kaldur focused on the nice heavy fabric jacket in front of him, ignoring the reference to his unstable mind. It was breaking their unspoken agreement not to discuss anything like that.

M’gann plowed forward, steadying herself, "And I'm glad to experience them with you anytime. Do you like that jacket?"

Kaldur looked up, almost startled, and realized it similar to what he'd chosen for Bo's fashion homework. "It is nice."

"It would look super cute on you." M’gann offered. "Part of the mall shopping experience is the performance of trying clothes on and looking in the mirror."

"Then provide disparaging comments about the clothes." Kaldur offered, because he watched TV too. M’gann giggled, then reached out to hold his things.

Kaldur slid the nice jacket on his shoulders and carefully found a mirror.

"Looks good." M’gann said. "Do a spin."

Kaldur shot her a dry glance.

M’gann laughed and spun her finger in a circle. She coaxed, "Come on. We're immersing ourselves in the culture."

Kaldur spread his hands and walked in a circle. M’gann said, "Yup, we're getting that."

Kaldur only managed to talk her out of buying it for him by purchasing it himself. M’gann ripped the tags off outside the store and stuffed his old boring sport coat into the bag.

"Now you look like a real Earthling." M’gann said, warm.

They window shopped some more, and he talked about the difference of his schooling in Atlantis and on the surface. They had a lot in common, and they were bonded quite well over mutual displacement and isolation. If it wasn't for the quiet unspoken divide between them...

"Hey, so," M’gann said, standing outside in the chill. They both preferred it over the heated indoors. "I know you said to the team that you really wanted space to figure your head out and stuff. But I hope you know that you are always welcome to visit, and you'd be greeted with open arms."

Kaldur was definitely not going to do that. "I know." 

M’gann's smile turned brittle. Guilty. And she sighed. "Okay. I hope you have a good rest of the day."

"You too."

They hugged and parted ways. There was such a huge elephant between them, and they didn't talk about it, what happened, everything. At first he was grateful, but the longer they went without discussing it, the weirder it got when they hung out.

But he did like the new jacket. And despite thinking the toy was silly, he unpackaged and placed it beside his picture frame.

Soldiers don't really have possessions. And after moving to the surface it changed his view on what he required to survive, since most of his items were not suited for surface life, and therefore left them behind. His current apartment was mostly barren, because he told himself he didn't do sentimental attachment.

But the thought of throwing away that picture frame or the silly Orin toy made his stomach lurch. So maybe he had some sentimental attachment now, whether he wanted it or not.

He could practically hear Roy's voice in his head. _You're human, Kaldur, you have feelings too_.

A common discussion between them, for many years. Especially at the point where Kaldur pushed everything aside for the sake of his team. Roy was equal parts concerned and furious on his behalf, as always. Looking at the little Orin toy, Kaldur thought about how he should've bought Roy the Ollie toy. That would've been hilarious.

Then sighed and slumped down, tired. M’gann meant well, but he was emotionally tired, still on edge. He didn't regret seeing her, but he also could not seem to gather the energy to do anything else with his day.

Kaldur slept on the couch during the evening and found himself awake all night, deciding to hit the gym. It was hard -- he didn't want to be recognized so he wore a long sleeve to hide his tattoos, which made him too hot. But at least now he had the joy of working out to long music playlists. His sleep schedule was ruined, and he went to class tired, leaning on his hand and wondering where all his discipline went because he desperately wanted to put his head down on the desk.

Roy texted him again in the evening, when Kaldur was still on campus in the library, staring out the window and listening to a playlist, trying to discover some new bands. The text said: _'feel free to tell me to fuck off but can you babysit tonight? something has come up.'_

Kaldur typed, _'fuck off'_ , sighed, deleted it, and replied, _'Yes. Do you want me to come there so she has all her things?'_

_'if you can thank you, i'll explain when you get here'_

Kaldur packed up and went directly to the zeta. He still knocked when he entered, letting himself in with the key.

"Kali!" His little greeting party shouted and managed to hop over on her feet. Kaldur scooped her up, pulling his hat and headphones off with the other hand, and coming into the apartment where Roy was hoisting his large weapon case out.

"All the usual babysitters are being called in too." Roy explained. "Sorry to call you up for something like this."

"Kali!" Lian cheered, right in his ear.

"What's the problem?" Kaldur asked.

"Incident in Europe, still ongoing." Roy reported, no hesitation. All business, as he tied his boots. He wasn't in full uniform yet, but he was holding the pieces. "No danger near here, except that I don't have a babysitter and I'm not comfortable leaving her with a neighbour."

"That's alright. Keep me updated." Kaldur merely said.

"Will do." Roy waved his phone, then came over to kiss Lian's head. "I'll be back soon, kiddo."

"Dada!" Lian replied, reaching for him, and he leaned over to kiss her face one more time.

"You know where everything is." Roy said, already backing up. "Any problems, uh, I'd say call me but that's not a guarantee, so instead I just trust you to solve them."

"Of course." Kaldur said, as Lian squirmed, watching Roy go to the door. Kaldur added, stomach tight at staying behind, "Be careful."

"I'm meeting up with Ollie and Dinah in like five minutes." Roy replied. "So I won't be alone. I'll text you in a bit once I know more. And thank you so much, again."

He was saying all of this as he led out the door, and Kaldur nodded solemnly in understanding. Then the door shut and they were alone.

"Dada?" Lian said, sad.

"Oh, little one." Kaldur sighed and brought them over to the couch just as she began to cry.

Kaldur didn't mind that she was wailing in his ear, he just laid on his back on the couch and hummed the song that was stuck in his head. Lian sounded like she was hurting herself with the force of her cries.

"I know. I'm right here with you little one." Kaldur said, rubbing her small back. "It's okay. He'll be back. He'll be back."

As strange as it was to be left behind, Kaldur could not imagine going with them. The days of being a hero, of running to the call, they seemed so far away. He had a midterm to write in the morning. He had a baby on his chest. He had a crushing desire to die. Maybe if he hadn't already succumbed to it, he would've stayed in the hero business, and simply just been reckless until it killed him. But with Wally, that seemed cruel and unfair.

Though the whole suicidal seemed to be rather cruel and unfair to everyone around him as well. No matter what Kaldur did, he could not win. He was cursed.

When Lian tired of crying, he carried her to the kitchen and they decided together on some juice and crackers. She tried to offer him some, because she was a kind and giving soul like her father, and then Kaldur read her the same book six times in a row.

Lian held onto his nose and laughed in his face. She threw her juice across the room, which luckily stayed within its baby-proof container, and hobbled around on baby feet to kick it. He picked her up just as she began to cry again, and brought her to change her diaper and put on clean pajamas. She fussed and cried the whole time, and he thought, _I'll just hold her until she stops._

He returned to the couch and laid back, the small screaming child on his chest, holding her up with one arm. He hummed that song that was still stuck in his head.

Roy texted him, and Kaldur said to her, "He'll be home in a few hours, little one. Take a deep breath."

Lian did not understand, of course, and continued to cry. So Kaldur continued to hum, and she had the perseverance of her father as well, and the lung strength. Roy certainly could yell as long as her too.

When she finally fell quiet, exhausting herself all at once, she was asleep shortly after. Kaldur loathed to move and wake her even though he should've been studying for his midterm, so he stayed exactly where he was. 

Lack of sleep caught up to him, with the relief of no small child yelling in his ear, and he was asleep as well.

Movement woke him later, surface level. The door closing. Kaldur relaxed -- it was just Roy. It felt like he'd been asleep for a while, the warm weight of Lian snoozing comfortably on his chest.

Booted footsteps, that stopped mid-way in the living room. A shuddering breath, and a soft swear under Roy's breath.

Kaldur cracked a tiny smile, amused at his reaction, and peeked an eye open. Roy was standing in the dim light, haloed by darkness, staring at them on the couch. A heavy jacket covered his uniform, and his weapons case was slung over his shoulder. Upon seeing Kaldur's gaze, he dropped the case and approached.

"Hey." Quiet.

"How did it go?" Kaldur asked, just as soft.

"They've got it under control. I took my chance to slip away. How was she?"

"Fine." Kaldur said.

"Really? Because everyone tells me she cries the whole time I'm gone."

"Not the _whole_ time."

Roy rubbed his forehead. "Sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with that, I should've--"

"It's fine." Kaldur cut him off.

Roy crouched beside them, chewing his lip, looking at the two of them. Then he said, "Here, I can take her."

Kaldur gently lifted Lian up enough to Roy to gather her in his arms and carry her off to her bedroom. Kaldur sat up, rubbing his eyes, checking the time. He'd been asleep for ages, it was almost four in the morning. His midterm was later that morning.

"I'm sorry." Roy said, at a more normal volume, stripping of his jacket and dirty uniform shirt, throwing them on the back of a chair.

"I told you, it's--"

Roy raised his hands. "I'm well aware that you're too much a good person to say no to me when I asked, so that's on me. I'm sorry for that. And I'm sorry about the last time you were here."

Kaldur sighed, just a little, and said, "There's nothing to apologize for."

"There is, though." Roy wouldn't meet his eye. "Not just like, whatever the fuck I messed up last time you were here. But that I wasn't there for you when Tula died, and when you found out about your father, and yeah, you didn't tell me about the whole undercover thing, and I was about that pissed at the time. But in retrospect, I hadn't done shit to have your trust back then. I was fucked up, and I'm sorry."

Kaldur breathed carefully, because anxiety was hot in his neck, around his gills. He said, as level as he could, "It's in the past. And it's four in the morning, my friend."

"Kaldur." Roy said, and came to sit with him on the couch, distractingly with only his undershirt for his top half. He said, "You deserved better than that."

Kaldur was really not a big fan of how everyone seemed determined to make amends with him, because he couldn't help but constantly think it was only because he'd tried to kill himself. That he'd invoked this guilt in everyone. It made it so hard to accept their words.

He wished, not for the first time, that he had just fucking succeeded and didn't have to deal with this constant minefield.

"You had your own problems." Kaldur said quietly. "And I'm too tired to discuss this right now."

Roy frowned, and with that observant gaze. He was looking at Kaldur's face, how he avoided his eye.

"Okay." Roy said, at last. "But if there was something I did last time, you got to call me out on it, man. I'm trying, but I can only be better if you let me know what I do wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong." Kaldur sounded tired even to his own ears, and all his effort to be unaffected and calm was hard to muster at four in the morning. "It's just me."

"I doubt that." Roy raised his eyebrow. "I'm much better at fucking things up than you are."

Kaldur rolled his eyes, then bumped their shoulders together. Maybe to feel the heat radiating off him for a second. He thought of a couple hundred things he wanted to say, and said none of them. Except politeness dictated he should at least show gratefulness for the thoughtful gift Roy sent him.

"Thank you for the bomb." He said quietly.

Roy gave a surprised laugh, and when he turned to face him his eyes were bright. "You liked it?"

Kaldur nodded. "It's a good photograph."

"I told you I was gonna frame it." Roy said, with a lifted chin of fulfilling a challenge. "It's also my phone background."

"It is not." Kaldur said, raising his eyebrow.

Roy pulled out his phone and showed him. It was.

"That's ridiculous." Kaldur was trying not to look as flustered as he was.

"It's really cute." Roy said, somehow both earnest and teasing.

That was not helping. "You are ridiculous."

"Probably." Roy agreed. "Do you want to stay over? It's pretty late."

Kaldur looked miserably at his school bag. "I need to study."

"As you pointed out, it's four in the morning."

Kaldur sighed. "And I have a midterm at nine."

Roy winced. "Ah, shit. I'm really--"

He cut him off with a raised hand. "I think I know where my priorities lie in this situation, Roy."

"Fair enough." Roy still looked chagrin. "Want me to study with you? I can totally read flashcards."

"That is not necessary." Kaldur said.

"No, really." Roy said, and took his arm. He was very warm, and Kaldur stilled under his touch. "Come on, let me help. I owe you."

Kaldur forced himself to meet his eye. Despite the early hour and mission he'd just been on, Roy was bright eyed, full of determination. Full of life.

Sometimes Kaldur thought about the man who had been searching for the original Speedy, with his dark gaze and firecracker anger and his tunnel vision, and how he was so glad that Roy pulled himself out of pit after pit to be here now, carrying his daughter around and reading the same book over and over again. There was so much resilience and tenacity inside Roy, and Kaldur loved how strong he was.

Kaldur wished he was that strong. But he'd broken a while ago, and he didn't have the will to pull himself out of his own bottomless pit.

For now, though, all he needed was to pass this midterm. He didn't have flashcards, but he did have study notes. He relented, and fetched his laptop, opening the notes and giving it to Roy.

"Oh, this looks fun." Roy said, sarcastic, but obligingly rephrased the first section as a question Kaldur had to answer, impromptu flashcards. And they studied.

Kaldur was still tired, so he leaned back, the couch still warm from sleeping on it, crossing his arms over his chest and addressing the ceiling as he recited all the facts he needed to pass the midterm. He knew most of the terms, or with minimal prompting from Roy he could guess them.

"Jesus Christ." Roy said, when they got to the end of the study guide. "How do you remember all that? How much time do you spend studying?"

Kaldur shrugged, squeezing his arms tighter around himself. "I don't have much else to do."

"You're a really good student." Roy said, passing the laptop back. "I think you could probably go into the test without much of a problem, if you wanted to sleep. I'll wake you in time -- or Lian will, depending."

Kaldur was sleepy and didn't really want to move. He said, "What time are you getting up?"

"Seven. Good?"

"Yes."

Roy got up and came back with a blanket and pillow. "I know you probably don't want the blanket, but it can get drafty."

Kaldur took both and folded the blanket over his legs. "Thank you, my friend."

"Anytime." Roy hovered for a second, then shut his mouth with a click. Judging by his face, restraining himself from some bad comment. Instead he said, "Good night, Kaldur."

"Good night, Roy."

He shut off the light as he went. Kaldur was too exhausted to do more than hug the pillow and fall asleep.

Lian did wake him up, and insisted on morning hugs, and to be carried around. Roy was making eggs with a sleepy frown, wearing a uniform shirt for his work, and the rattiest pajamas pants on the planet. He insisted in a grumpy voice that Kaldur needed to eat before an exam in order to make him stay for breakfast, and if Lian was a morning person she certainly didn't get _that_ from her father.

She had cheerios, getting some in her mouth and not on the floor. Then Roy got them both dressed, and Kaldur cleaned up his kitchen.

"You did not have to clean for me." Roy said, Lian glued to his hip, chiding Kaldur.

"Mhm." Kaldur replied.

Lian insisted on grabbing Roy's nose off his face while he tried to get his keys and wallet. Kaldur snuck out his phone and took a picture, hurriedly tucking it away before he noticed. Then said, "I should get to campus."

"Thanks again, Kaldur." Roy flashed him a grateful smile, hands full.

"Kali!" Lian yelled.

Kaldur gave her a kiss on the forehead, which was a bit dangerous since Roy was still holding her, and it meant getting quite close. He nodded at Roy, and said, "See you later."

"See you." Roy said, eyes on him, and Kaldur fled as his heart floated in circles in his chest.

It wasn't until he was camped outside his lecture, waiting for the last class to let out so he could get in, did he pull out his phone to see the photo he took. Roy and Lian, standing by the table, one-handedly trying to get his keys while Lian hung onto his nose, both of them grinning like fools, Lian's unabashed and Roy's very fondly exasperated. The matching dimple in both of their smiles. The bicep on display from holding Lian up, and his little flip of red hair.

Before he could think better of it, he saved it as his phone background. It was only fair, after all.

The midterm wasn't hard, and when Roy texted him asking how it went he gave a positive response.

The next time he saw Bo, his therapist commented that he seemed to be in a better mood.

"It's not a worse mood." Kaldur said.

"What have you done differently recently?"

Kaldur shrugged. "I don't know."

"Still studying to the extreme?"

"Yes."

"Sleeping only on and off?"

"Yes."

"Eating only when you remember?"

"Yes."

"Isolating yourself?"

"I suppose... less."

"Well, as much as I'd like to improve the first three, I'm happy to hear that. What does _less_ mean to you?"

Kaldur explained the sequence of people who asked to see him, despite his request for space.

"Do you remember when we first started meeting?" Bo asked, tapping his pen on his lip. "Do you remember how often you hung out with your friends and family?"

Kaldur would like to lie and play dumb, but he has a good memory. "I did not see them very often. The wounds were very fresh, and I wanted to step away."

"Yes. Which, you know, is fine. As long as it's actually helping you and getting you through what's going on with you. But it's alright to have what you need change. For example, in the beginning, you told me about dozens of occasions where they offered to hang out with you, and you declined. But lately, they offer, and you accept on first notice."

"They were special circumstances." Kaldur defended.

Bo raised his hands. "I'm not saying you need to revoke your request for space. That's fine, you are still allowed to deny contact any time you like. But the fact that you're spending time with your loved ones is obviously a benefit to your mood, and something to consider as a valid strategy for making yourself feel better. Based on the empirical evidence we have here, of course."

"There's still... so much between us. Me and everyone." Kaldur shrugged and looked away. "It makes it hard for me to fully appreciate the time."

"Better than nothing." Bo said, honest. "Really. We want to take what we can get. Any and all tools to improve your life."

Kaldur sighed. "What is your point?"

"You are telling me that lately you've had more contact with your loved ones than usual, and I've noticed an increase in mood. My point is: don't discount the benefit gained from spending time with other people. You don't have to continue the trend, but I just want you to make the connection in your head. Right?"

"You are annoyingly logical."

Bo laughed. "I'm just saying. And I think your mood would improve more too if you worked on a consistent sleep schedule and healthy eating habits. But let's do this one step at a time. For now, it's good that you're letting people in."

"Is it?" Kaldur had some of his water and focused on the feeling. "Because I hurt them, and they hurt me. Isn't it better to be alone?"

Bo shrugged. "I don't know. Obviously, I think the answer is no, but I haven't been through what you have. It has to be your choice to let people in again. And from what you're telling me, they seem be very aware of how they've hurt you in the past and want to make amends for it."

"Only because they feel guilty because I tried to kill myself." Kaldur pointed out, cold.

"And why is that a bad thing?"

Kaldur's brow furrowed. Bo was typically more reasonable than that. "Because I forced them to by doing that."

Bo shook his head. "Alright, let me explain. From what I've come to understand, you're a very regimented guy. You like to appear flawless and capable. For a long time, you put on an untouchable front for everyone you knew. And they took advantage of that, not remembering that you are a human, that you have feelings and wants and needs too. When you _very understandably_ broke down, they suddenly could see what they'd been doing all along. Does that make sense?"

Kaldur fidgeted with his water bottle. He didn't like this conversation. "I manipulated them."

"Well, no. Was that your intent when you made your attempt? To spite them all?"

Kaldur was quiet. Bo continued, "Or were you just hurting so badly that you wanted it all to stop? That you lost everything that gave you purpose? That the future seemed impossible and you couldn't take it anymore? Does that sound more like it?"

Kaldur nodded, just a little. Fingers tightening.

"You were hurting and your action of making an attempt revealed that to your loved ones. And now they have to deal with their own thoughts and feelings on the matter, and that's on them. What's on _you_ is to get better, to take what resources you can to get better. And that includes the very complicated relationships you have with your loved ones."

Kaldur said, "So are you saying it was a good thing I tried to kill myself?"

"There's a reason it's called a cry for help, Kaldur." Bo's dark eyes were so gentle, and he carried this underlying upset. "And I'm very glad you did not succeed, because it means we can give you the help you need. That being said, I would not encourage this method as your go-to way to reveal how fucked up your mental state is. Which is why spending time with your loved ones, even when it's awkward and uncomfortable, is good. It can peel back the growing hurt before it becomes too much for you to handle. Does that make sense?"

Kaldur shrugged, but it did.

Bo moved on, sensing his discomfort, complimenting his hat and his new jacket, and prodding him to talk about how he felt to have personalized clothing, how it contributed to his sense of identity, and Kaldur told him how awkward he felt in front of people who knew him.

"As you say, I've never been an individual before." Kaldur said. "I feel like I'm not doing it right."

"The thing about changing your look," Bo said, and rubbed his shaved head, "Like, say, cutting your hair. If you do it and it makes you feel good, then great. If not, it'll grow back. Or if it's clothes you can just change. But the awkwardness you feel when other people see you in new clothes is only temporary. They're not going to point out your hat every single time they see you, because it won't be new anymore. It's a brief period of awkward that once you're over it, you can wear the things that make you happy. And that's more important that a couple days of discomfort, right?"

Kaldur sometimes marvelled at Bo's calm ability to pull the things out of his head and exposure them. Putting sense into the senseless.

With that in mind, Kaldur bought a pair of dark jeans with a rip in each knee of a sensible size. He had to talk himself into wearing them, but he was glad he did. He looked... cool. Like a real person with real thoughts in their head, not a soldier or a puppet.

The experience of being an individual would be tested fairly quickly, because the next day Artemis texted him as he was in the Starbucks line between classes, _'where you at?'_

_'On campus.'_

_'Yeah where on campus.'_

_'The Starbucks by the science building.'_

No reply. She was obviously on her way, and Kaldur argued with himself over whether or not he should peel the hat off his head, take out his headphones, or somehow hide his new jeans.

Too late. A hand on his elbow, and Artemis' face came into his line of sight. He took out his headphones, trying not to flush. Trying to think about Bo's advice.

"Hey." Artemis greeted. "When's your next class?"

"An hour." Kaldur said.

"Cool, let's get coffee."

Kaldur glanced at the line he was in. "I hadn't thought of that."

Artemis punched his arm. The line moved up. She wasn't smiling, her face was drawn and weird -- she was upset.

"What class do you have? I could totally sit-in if it's a big lecture hall." Artemis said.

"Linguistics." Kaldur told her. "Do you wish to hear about phonemes?"

"Depends on what a phoneme is."

Kaldur explained. They ordered their drinks and carried them to the low couches nearby, covered in half-heartedly studying students with large coffees. Kaldur had gotten himself a mint tea, because he was tired. Artemis got a coffee with cream, no sugar.

"Is there a reason for this visit?" Kaldur asked, trying not to fidget.

"I mean, I always want to see you." Artemis pointed him, but then made a face. "But yeah. I was feeling really shitty and didn't want to move and I figured that coming to see you would make me get up. And it did!" She threw her hands up in mock joy.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Do _you_?"

Kaldur spread his hands. "I'm not the one who came all this way to visit."

Artemis barked a laugh and shook her head. "I just wanted to see you. I don't even know what to talk about, if I did. I'm sad and lonely and I miss Wally. There's nothing I can fucking do about it."

She kicked her feet against the floor and offered him a bitter smile.

"Well, you could learn about phonemes." Kaldur said, and she widened the bitter smile and knocked their shoulders together.

Artemis did come to class, watching him take notes and texting him bad jokes about the professor. Normally he would study in the library for the evening, but instead he took pity on his guest and offered to go get dinner. They went to a Denny's and Artemis campaigned for him to get breakfast for dinner.

"Time is an illusion." She said, like that was enticing. "Cultural norms surrounding what foods we can eat at what time is like an anthropological study in itself. Plus, I really want to hear you say 'moon over my hammy'."

He compromised with pancakes. Artemis was full of a weird energy and drummed on the table with her nails.

"I feel like I should be doing something." She admitted at last, when they had drinks but not food. She stirred her ice sullenly. "Like. I should be in the lab trying to clone him, or like trying to build a time machine to bring him back. It feels stupid that I'm just sitting around grieving and taking my anger out on shit-bags all night. We're goddamn heroes. There should be something I can do."

Kaldur shrugged. He thought about Tula, in a helpless way, because thinking about Tula was a punch to the chest and he tried to avoid it when possible. "I don't know either."

Artemis tugged on the end of her hair for a minute, inspecting her split ends and making a half-upset face. "I've thought a lot about what he would've wanted me to do now. And I know the answer is the usual bullshit about moving on and stuff. But, you know. I think he would've wanted to be alive and with me. We had so many plans. And it makes it hard to accept and move on because I was never supposed to be doing this alone."

Maybe Kaldur should've said, _you're not alone_. But really, she was, and she was going to have to deal with it. So instead he said, "I know."

She reached over and squeezed his hand. "Thanks for letting me come and annoy you and vent. Everyone else gets so exhausting."

Kaldur nodded solemnly. He definitely understood that.

"I heard you talked to Dick." She said, and it was far too deceptively casual.

"You did not need to give him shit on my behalf." Kaldur said.

Artemis laughed, probably because he had spoke so seriously and swore at the same time. She gave a lopsided smile. "I can neither confirm nor deny that."

Her phone lit up with a silent message and she turned it over to focus on him. Kaldur said, "Say hi to the group chat for me."

Artemis winced. "Who told you?"

"You, just now."

She swore, and said, "How'd you know?"

"You're like a hive mind." Kaldur said. Artemis picked up her phone, forgoing shame, and aimed her camera.

"Say cheese."

Kaldur reflexively covered his mouth with his hand and raised his eyebrows at her. Artemis snorted, and took the photo anyway.

Curious now, he leaned over the table to see. It was a messenger app, titled ' _Kaldur'ahm Protection Squad'_ , and all he could see was the photo she sent of him - cool expression, with his dark red hat and heavy fabric jacket open.

"It's not _so much_ a secret," Artemis said, putting her phone away. "Okay, maybe a little bit. But we weren't trying to hide that we're all looking out for you. Behind your back. Damn I can't make this sound good -- hey look our food!"

The waitress dropped off pancakes and a grand slam. Kaldur put jam on his pancakes and thought about whether or not he was mad.

Not about this. Really, he should've been, since they were talking about him behind his back. But what did he expect? He tried to kill himself. If having a group chat where they compared notes on how he was doing meant less work on his part to reassure them all individually... fine.

"I figured that was the case." Kaldur told Artemis. "As I said, you all had shared information, it wasn't hard to guess. And I'm not angry about it."

Artemis blew out a breath and said, "You'd be allowed to. It was kind of keeping secrets from you."

"Except when I just asked you, you told me." Kaldur shrugged. "Maybe if you had denied it, then this would be different. But you just showed me."

"Alright." Artemis relaxed. "Okay, yeah. Once you moved to Coast City we just... made the group chat to keep us in the same loop."

"Protection squad?" Kaldur asked.

"Dick named it, inadvertently. When Roy and I were teaming up on him for being a shit he called us your protection squad. Lovingly, of course."

"Of course." Kaldur said, having a long draught of water. "Who's in it?"

"Me and Roy and Aquaman and Dinah." She ticked off her fingers. "We didn't want it to be any bigger than that because it felt wrong. Dick wasn't allowed in, but maybe if he stops being a shit we'll let him."

"Speaking of," Kaldur said, "I was not angry with Dick. There was no need for intervention."

Artemis rolled her eyes. "Yeah, of course you think that. But he's your friend, and we weren't just going to let him ghost you like that."

"If that's what he needed to do." Kaldur shrugged.

"No, he needed to communicate with you." Artemis said. "Not talking gets nobody nowhere. Aren't you glad that you guys finally spoke?"

"I am glad for whatever helps Dick get through."

Artemis attacked her breakfast foods with a fork for a minute. Then said, "You really aren't on your own side. Sometimes I think you are your own worst enemy."

Kaldur thought about all the times his brain assaulted him with exhausting things to think about, self-hatred and guilt circles. He said, "I think you may be right."

Artemis looked at him up through her lashes, then sighed. "Sorry. I'm letting this get dark again. Let's talk shit about the other people in the diner."

"There's a woman behind you on a blind date." He said.

Artemis looked with her peripherals. "Hit or miss?"

"You guess -- he took her to a Denny's on the first date."

Artemis laughed, and Kaldur snuck a small smile, eating his jam pancakes.

When Kaldur walked her back to the zeta, she said, "I like your hat, by the way. Oh fuck, and those jeans too. You look sick."

Kaldur knew that was a compliment, so he said, "Thank you."

"It's a shame about the shoes." Artemis said, because she knew that he hated shoes, but a university student couldn't go around barefoot. "Maybe I should buy you toe shoes. Are toe shoes lame?"

"I do not know what toe shoes are, so I cannot pass judgement."

"Ooh, what about crocs?"

"I know what crocs are. Those are definitely lame."

Artemis laughed and tried to push him into the wall. He allowed it, then stuck his foot out to trip her once she had her guard down. By the time he deposited her in a zeta back home, she was smiling wide, unlike when they met at Starbucks.

Kaldur went back home to study but ended up laying in the bathtub listening to music off the speaker on his phone, wondering if waterproof speakers were a thing. Well, every other electronic device he owned came from the same place, and if he and Dick were speaking again...

Kaldur dried his hands and texted Dick without getting up. _'Are water proof speakers a thing_?'

Dick replied within seconds. _'Like music speakers?_ '

_'Yes'_

_'They're a thing. What’s your favourite colour?'_

_'I don't think I have one.'_

_'How about red?'_

_'Red is fine.'_

That was the end of the conversation, but when he returned home from school the next day, there was bright red speaker the size of a tissue box sitting on his coffee table. A little card read: _'Kaldur - all yours - D'_

Dick didn't have a key, but Kaldur was not particularly surprised. There were pretty basic instructions, and he got the music to play in minutes. The music sounded different from speakers instead of headphones, and he amused himself for a bit by playing all his favourite songs.

Maybe the whole thing with Dick was weird and complicated, but he was glad he was still around, still sneaking into his apartment and leaving him weird electronics.

As much as he wanted to mess around with his new toy all night, he had another midterm upcoming, so he set up to study for that. He put on a playlist he made on the bus and hummed along as he worked.

After a while, there was heavy footsteps down the hallway and a hard-knuckled knock on the door. Kaldur tipped his head, and wondered what Conner wanted. He turned his music off and got up to greet him.

"Conner." He said, nodding.

"Hey." Conner shifted uncomfortably. "Can I come in?"

Kaldur let him in. Conner stepped into his apartment, looking around curiously, before narrowing in on Kaldur. He squared his shoulders, and set his jaw, and Kaldur knew this was not going to be a fun conversation.

"It was pretty messed up." Conner said, blunt as ever. "What you did."

Kaldur said, "Which time are you referring to?"

Conner's face clouded, and he crossed his arms hard over his broad chest. "The whole... pretend betrayal thing. And I know that I'm not supposed to, like, come and give you a hard time about it. But you're my friend," And Conner's expression here went naked with hurt vulnerability that stabbed Kaldur through the heart. "I thought that meant something. It really sucked that you did that."

"I agree with you." Kaldur said, almost mildly, but with all due seriousness.

Conner blinked. "You do?"

"Yes." Kaldur nodded. "It was a betrayal of your trust and you did not deserve that. I am truly sorry."

That seemed to take the wind out of Conner's sails, and he slumped, "So then why did you do it? It didn't have to be just you. We're a team. We were."

"I'm sorry."

Conner's face twisted, and he made a frustrated noise and stalked away. He paced a tight circle.

"I just don't understand." Conner said, at last. "And I'm pissed. And I'm... I don't get it."

"I'm sorry." Kaldur repeated, because it was all he had.

"Was it something I did? We did? Was there something we could've done differently?" Conner was still pacing, hands waving angrily.

Kaldur was no longer sure if they were talking about the same thing. He stayed silent, tracking his movements with his eyes, sinking into himself.

"I just -- I don't know what to do with this, okay?" Conner whirled on him and tightened his fists at his side. "It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to me, but it wasn't fair to you either. It was all fucked up. Every part of it. And I'm pissed it went down like that, even if it worked, even if it saved everyone. Because it sure as hell didn't save you, and I keep thinking over and over that if you'd let me help, then I could've stopped it, I could've made it easier for you. And it's not fair, because you didn't even give me the chance to."

Kaldur swallowed hard and looked away. "I know."

The fight tensed into Conner's shoulders higher, like a cat preparing to strike, and he took a deep breath. He said, unsteady, "You were the one who pulled me from the darkness. You were the one who guided me. You gave me everything and you never let me do the same for you. It's not fair."

Kaldur shut his eyes, thinking about Cadmus, about the angry kid he drew from a pod, about how far he'd come. "I was your leader. It was not your job."

"Oh, fuck you." Conner said, and Kaldur opened his eyes again in surprise. His expression was blazing, and he scoffed, "Come on, do you really think that's what makes a good leader? Someone who gives and gives until they have nothing left? How the hell could that be a healthy dynamic? It's supposed to be a mutual thing, it's supposed to supporting each other. We're supposed to help you as much as you helped us."

Something inside Kaldur's chest snapped, like stepping on old bones. His jaw set, and he heard himself say, "But you didn't."

Conner stilled, and said, "What?"

"But you didn't." Kaldur's voice was so cool, and there was scrambling in his mind, like all the alarms were going off. "You didn't help me when I was your leader. And while I thank you for coming to my apartment just to yell at me for something I already feel terrible about, if you want to be pissed at me you're going to have to get in fucking line."

His heart pounded loud in his ears, and he couldn't breathe.

Conner never dealt well with being yelled at, after his eyes widened in surprise, he reared back and yelled, defensive, "Yeah, well, maybe if you'd said something! I'm not a mind reader!"

Kaldur was only succeeding in hurting him _more_. He shook his head, as his muscles trembled, and he felt like a thunderstorm. He said, "I don't believe we have anything else to discuss."

Conner's face shifted, angry, and he made a loud, frustrated noise, and left with a slam of Kaldur's front door.

Kaldur's knees were water, and he lowered himself to press his back against the wall. He succumbed to how he felt like he couldn't breathe, how he felt like he'd just ruined everything, how trapped and frustrated and guilty and terrible he felt and dug his fingers into his shaking hands and curved into a ball.

He thought that he wanted the anger -- he thought that he hated being treated with kid gloves, with everyone apologizing and treating him so kindly. But the moment someone came by with actual, legitimate complaints that Kaldur totally deserved... he snapped back.

Conner didn't deserve that. Conner deserved answers for the shit Kaldur pulled and the hell he put him through, playing with his emotions by pretending to betray them, manipulating him. He didn't deserve his oldest friend turning on him and shouting at him.

Something like Bo's reasonable voice in his head said that Conner started it, Conner was yelling at him first. But that was crushed and overwhelmed with a pounding tide of self-hatred, of anger, of fear, of a hundred emotions he didn't want.

And he thought: I don't know what to _do._

Because it was this unbearable, terrible feeling, and he couldn't, he couldn't....

A knock at the door, and Conner let himself back in. He crouched by Kaldur, hand on his shaking back, and he said, "I'm sorry."

Kaldur was too busy trying to breathe. He stared at Conner's shoes.

Conner hesitated, and said, "This was a bad idea. I thought... I thought I would feel better if I came and told you why I'm pissed but I don't feel better I just feel worse. It was selfish of me."

"I deserved it." Kaldur managed.

"Maybe. Maybe not." Conner sat down hard on the floor, stretching his legs out. "But you're my friend, and I should've treated you better regardless."

"I should have too. I'm sorry."

"Then we're both sorry." Conner didn't move his hand, hot on Kaldur's back. "Do you want to actually take a deep breath, or what?"

Kaldur tried. Conner stayed there on the floor with him, uncomfortable but present.

Conner sighed. "Can we not tell the others that I fucked this up?"

"I will say nothing if you won't as well."

Conner gave a sad chuckle, and they just sat there a bit longer. Kaldur unfolded himself and tried to stop how he shook.

"I'm glad you came by." Kaldur said, eventually.

"What?" Conner raised an eyebrow. "Um, really?"

"Yes." Kaldur pretended he had composure. "Even if your words are angry, they are honest. If we are friends, we must be honest. I will try harder to be honest with you. I will... I will try to let you pull me out of the darkness, as you said. That is, if you still want that."

Conner gave him a side-armed hug, gruff. "Yeah. I do. I meant what I said. You were... you were the first, man."

Kaldur leaned into his arm, and then said, "I never wanted to hurt you. But I did, and I'm sorry."

"Uh, well, same. We're cool."

Kaldur chuckled, still shaky, and said, "Yes, we are cool."

Kaldur insisted he was fine, and Conner left awkwardly after that, and Kaldur still left like his legs weren't on solid ground, like he needed support to stand. Liquid between his limbs.

He crawled in the bathtub, filled it up, and dragged his shiny new red waterproof speaker in with him, and submerged his head under to breathe with gills instead of that dusty and pollen air that hurt in his lungs.

Sound warbled differently underwater. He tried to breathe and had more success than before.

He wondered why Conner came back after he stormed out. Why he forgave him, when he was mad just moments before. He had super hearing -- he must've heard Kaldur start to freak out. He manipulated him into the apology. Kaldur forced his hand.

Except... Bo said that wasn't how it worked. That Kaldur freaked out because he was hurting, not because he was trying to manipulate Conner. Maybe he didn't believe that entirely, but he didn't discredit it either. Maybe it wasn't all his fault, maybe it was just the mucky leftover grossness from everything that happened, and this was just something they had to wade through.

Or maybe it was this suffering forever. But he thought about Conner coming back. Things getting better, slowly, step by step.

Until he ruined them again. The dark circle predictably came back around. Kaldur curled on his side in the bathtub and wished for a different, kinder brain.

All of his emotions in his chest were an unstable thing, and it felt like ever since he'd broken -- since he'd snapped and tried to kill himself -- ever since that moment he was constantly being assaulted by his own emotions. Before that he could hold onto calm in even the worst situations. And now it was his personal ocean, violent and endless, emotions controlling the tide instead of his own will.

It was late when he finally emerged, tired but feeling like sleep was an ocean away. He debated going to bed, or crawling back into the bathtub to sleep there, and his indecision led to studying instead, mind full of cotton. His ruined sleep schedule meant he messed up his eating, and almost forgot to take his meds. Only the alarm he set on his phone reminded him, and subsequently reminded him to actually go to class.

Though he wasn't angry at Conner, the interaction had definitely fucked him up. He spent the day in a haze and tried to think of something he could do to fix it, while not truly finding the motivation to actually implement anything. What he wanted was to feel okay with absolutely no effort on his part, because he had no motivation of his own.

When he pulled out his phone to change the song, his lock screen stared back at him. Roy and Lian. Both of them, so happy, so beautiful. And he thought about seeing them. And that didn't seem horrible. Maybe it would even help, and it wasn't hard.

He felt shitty through his last class, sitting through it brooding and cold and not really listening. Then he packed up his stuff and walked against the chill to the zeta, straight to Star City.

It was warmer there, but he kept his hat and jacket and ripped jeans, not even really focused on that particular anxiety at the moment. He guessed that Roy would be at work and went there.

It was a building with ridiculously high ceilings, with hallways in all directions, central to a booth where a familiar red head was tapping on a computer, wearing a blue uniform shirt. Kaldur felt a spark in his stomach and approached the desk calmly.

"I'd like ten guest passes." Kaldur greeted.

Roy spun around and immediately glared. "You and everyone else!"

Kaldur quirked a lip, leaning against the counter. "Busy?"

"Yes and no." Roy rubbed his head, then really looked at Kaldur, and turned red on his ears. He said, after swallowing hard, "Uh, did you need me for something?"

"What time are you off?"

"In like, an hour. What's up?" His voice was a little too high.

Kaldur shrugged. "Wanted to come by. I could pick Lian up early for you and cook something, if you want."

"Yeah." Roy said, dazed, then shook his head and straightened up and said, "Yeah, that sounds great. I'll call the daycare and let them know. It's literally just down the street, you can't miss it."

"Sounds good." Kaldur agreed. "Enjoy your passes."

Roy looked around for any witnesses, then flipped him off covertly. Kaldur's lip twitched, heart already a bit lighter than before, and waved over his shoulder as he left.

When he went to pick up Lian they were expecting him, and carried the pig tailed girl over to him. She shrieked, almost predictably, at the top of her lungs: "Kali!"

"Hello little one." Kaldur greeted, taking her and getting a big squeeze around his neck, and a sloppy kiss on the cheek. "Thank you." He said.

"Kali!" Lian replied, and Kaldur thanked the staff before walking her home. She giggled in his ear the whole time and tried to pull his hat off his head. He let himself into Roy's apartment with his key, and asked Lian if she wanted something to drink.

Once set up with juice, she hobbled over to find the blue rabbit in her toy box, hitting Kaldur in the knees with it enthusiastically.

Kaldur browsed his cupboards and decided that he could make steamed vegetables, potatoes, and whatever meat Roy had in the fridge after a very quick google search for a suggested meal for a one-year-old child. He pulled her chair into the kitchen and set her up with toys that he had to retrieve off the floor every ten seconds, and he managed to get a start on dinner before Roy made it home.

Roy stood in the doorway for a second, breathless, looking at the two of them.

"Hello Roy." Kaldur said, calm as he could manage, since he was still pretending to be fine while halfway through a total fuckstorm.

"Dada!" Lian shrieked and threw a toy clear across the room towards him in her enthusiasm.

"Hey sweetie." Roy said, and went to pick her up and swing her in a big arc. "What's up?"

"Dada!" Lian replied.

"You have such a way with words." Roy complimented, then hung her upside down by her ankles as she screamed. "She was good for you?"

Kaldur picked up all the stray toys off the kitchen floor. "Just like her father."

Roy laughed, and faked out dropping her to make her shriek, and lifted the toddler to his shoulder. She immediately began to pull on his hair. "What's for dinner?"

Kaldur showed him.

Roy said, "I love you. I'm gonna put on something that's not totally dorky."

He took Lian with him, and Kaldur stood there for a moment, alone and stunned and mouth dry. It was a joke. It was teasing.... he did _not_ mean it like that.

Kaldur had to shake himself to get back into cooking.

They ate together, supervising Lian the whole time and trying to make sure she actually ingested some. Roy thanked him a bunch of times for coming and cooking and helping out, and Kaldur merely nodded, and read Lian her favourite book ten more times, and watched her run circles around the living room until she tired herself out, falling asleep on her father's shoulder as he carried her to bed.

Kaldur thought about sleeping, and how he hadn't the night before, and how his brain, while quieter, was still a swinging bag of hammers, and he was feeling dangerous and tired all at once. He was on the couch, propped up on his hand and almost drifting to sleep sitting up when Roy emerged from putting Lian to bed.

"Alright?" Roy asked, and Kaldur startled awake, and offered a sheepish face.

"Fine." Kaldur lied.

"Mhm." Roy said, and threw himself down next to Kaldur, throwing out an arm around him. "Are you cool with watching General Hospital, or do you want something else?"

Kaldur should've been worried about the whole trigger thing that set him off last time, but truly he was so tired that he was probably going to fall asleep. So he said, "That's fine."

Roy got the remote and turned it on. Kaldur didn't even make it through the first ten minutes.

Since Roy's arm was around him, it was only natural to lean into his shoulder. He was warm, like all surface dwellers, as if they had a furnace under their skin. Lack of sleep caught up to him like Lian's own crash, and Kaldur slept way too deeply for a nap on the couch. He woke, and it was dark.

The TV was off, and the only light was from the hallway. Kaldur had shifted -- either with help or on his own, he had no idea. Instead of leaning against Roy, they had reclined. Kaldur still had his face in Roy's shoulder and his arm around his back, but they were laying on the couch, with Kaldur overlapping.

For a moment, he was horrified and embarrassed. And in the next, his heart soared, because Roy was holding onto him as much as Kaldur was. Roy was asleep, calm breathing.

He decided not to move. Maybe because waking up while holding onto someone who he loved, he found even though his brain was sharp, but the pricks did not hurt as much, there was no relentless tide. There was a manageable wash of white noise, unpleasant but not dangerous.

Bo was right again -- being with his loved ones helped. It was annoying how frequently he was right about things.

But then Kaldur's heart started to pound; to make him uncomfortably awake, and he couldn't identify the source of his distress. Was it because he was so close to Roy? Was it because he felt he didn't deserve this comfort? Was it because he felt he was cursed and desperately didn't want to hurt Roy?

Everything he'd done, it sometimes felt too much, like weights crushing him, and there was nothing he could do to change that or make it better. He felt a fine tremor through his muscles, and he buried his nose into Roy's shoulder. Hanging on by a thread.

Roy's thick archer arms tightened around him, shifting with wakefulness.

"Hey." Roy whispered.

"Sorry." Kaldur replied, feeling even more poorly for waking him.

"It's cool. What's up?"

Kaldur had no reply for he did not even know the answer himself. He just tipped his face closer, even as everything else inside him screamed to pull away -- to save him from his curse.

His warm hands slid to spread one flat on his back and the other to cup his neck, Roy curling close to meet him like the other half of a parenthesis. He took a slow, half asleep breath, and said, "I'm here."

He didn't ask if he was okay, he didn't pry, he just held on -- and Kaldur could feel his pulse against Roy's palm on his sensitive neck.

Kaldur breathed. He felt Roy breathe. He tried to relax his tense muscles increments.

"Sorry." Kaldur repeated, ages after the first.

"It's cool." Roy repeated the same. "Did something happen?"

Kaldur shook his head, a lie. But he told Conner he wouldn't tattle.

"Okay." Roy said. "You seemed pretty off this evening."

"I'm fine."

"Totally."

Kaldur squeezed his burning eyes shut. Roy was the worst. He loved him so much.

"I'm glad you came over." Roy added. "Since you're obviously not fine. Thanks for letting me in."

Kaldur wanted to deny it, but he was currently holding onto Roy like he was the only thing keeping him alive. He shouldn't be doing this. His curse would kill him. But he wasn't strong enough to deny himself this physical comfort now that he had it.

Maybe he should've tried to talk about it, to clear his head. He considered it. But the moment was stolen and dark and warm and he wanted nothing to ruin it, especially not to take poison words in his head and pollute the air with them.

He should've done a lot of things, but instead he stayed right there, until the shaking stopped and sleep returned.

They woke to Lian's cry in the other room. Roy made a complaining noise, and they were so thoroughly entangled that Kaldur pushed himself up and out, limbs numb as he padded barefoot down the hallway towards the crying.

"Hello little one." Kaldur greeted, and it was five in the morning. He dried her tears and changed her diaper and offered her milk and Cheerios. Roy was still on the couch, curled into the spot Kaldur vacated, apparently content to let Kaldur deal with her. He was still as grumpy in the mornings as ever.

Kaldur picked up the stray Cheerios off the ground and took Lian to her room where they worked together to pick out what she was going to wear. Mostly it was just her grabbing clothes and pulling on them until they made a mess everywhere, but she showed interest in a pink shirt, and Kaldur got her legs in tiny adorable jeans. Then there was a hunt for socks and Lian threw hair clips at him until he fashioned her hair into pigtails like he'd seen the day before.

"Kali." Lian said, raising her arms, and he picked her up and walked around in circles for a while, humming the song stuck in his head, hoping she wouldn't cry again and wake Roy.

Roy woke of his own accord at six thirty, hair stuck up in all directions and sleepily stopping to kiss Lian's on the forehead as she screamed for him. Kaldur's brain for once had the opposite of an intrusive thought, more like a wishful thought, where he would rise to kiss Kaldur as well.

Roy showered and Kaldur dug around with his one free arm to see if there was anything he could make for breakfast and settled on eggs again. He drank a bunch of water, thirsty from actually managing to sleep deeply, and Roy came with fresh clothes and wet hair to retrieve his daughter from Kaldur as he cooked.

"Thanks." Roy grunted, and when he ate his eggs Lian insisted on helping, trying to pick pieces up and stuff them in his mouth. Kaldur maybe took another picture of them with his phone -- Roy grumpy and covered in egg, Lian insistently trying to help.

Kaldur had to go, though, because he wanted to take his own shower before class and put on clean clothes. When he went to grab his bag Lian insisted on being put down so she could run over and aggressively hug his legs good bye, until he leant down to kiss her head.

"Hey, Kaldur," Roy said, packing up Lian's daycare bag on the counter. "Thanks for coming over."

Kaldur offered a half smile, and waved as he left, thinking about how he liked being there and how leaving was like stepping out into the cold.

Later the questions emerge in his mind -- real intrusive thoughts about how much of a burden he was, and how much he fucked up by going there and 'sleeping' with Roy. How he couldn't just insert himself like that.

When he told his doubts to Bo, in a strange disjointed monologue, he stopped there. He hesitated and said, "How I'll hurt them."

"How do you think you'll hurt them?" Bo asked, patient as ever, legs crossed and eyes curious.

"I've hurt them before."

Bo shrugged. "And they've hurt you. And you've made up. Even people who aren't superheros deal with that."

"And... I'm cursed."

"Right. Tell me, Kaldur. Are you worried that your curse will hurt them? Or that they will hurt you? Or are you worried that you'll put yourself in their lives and hurt them when you succeed in killing yourself?"

Kaldur startled and met his eye in surprise. Bo kept his gaze -- gone serious and steady.

"I don't know." Kaldur admitted.

"But you know that it makes you want to pull away." Bo gestured, still serious. "There's some false logic in your head and the only way to unveil it is to work through our thought processes. I have a question, and I want you to be honest -- if you and Roy knew each other in another life, one where you met at, say, high school, and had a normal life together. Would you want to be dating him? Ignoring all the complicated things in your own life."

Kaldur looked away. He knew the answer and he didn't want to say it, because it was admitting it, even with the caveats. He said, "It's not the same, though, because we do have our complicated past. We do have all those things between us and in my head and --"

"But you would." Bo said. "In that situation, you would."

"I don't know. I'm not in that situation."

"The point I'm making here is," Bo continued like that wasn't what he said, "is that you do like Roy and you do want to be with him, but there are things in your mind that are holding you back. Maybe it's to protect yourself, which is fine. But maybe it's self-destructive, at which point we should be pulling them down and replacing them with something more positive. And we can go through those thoughts and do that."

"I don't want to." Kaldur said bluntly.

Bo nodded, not angry at all. "Then let me know if you change your mind."

He wondered, later, why he was so opposed to the idea. Which part of his psyche was a hard shell to pulling his mind apart. Maybe it was because he was afraid to see how wrong his thinking was, how he'd spent so much time on the wrong thoughts. Irrationality was a nice blanket to wear because anything fit under the realm of possibility in there. The moment he lost that, he'd be forced to see the world for what it really was. Maybe he'd been hurt too much to want that.

Instead of dealing with that, he threw himself into his midterms. But no matter how hard he tried to pretend, he woke up on Tula's birthday feeling cold. That horrible inside frozen feeling, and it was hard to talk himself into attending classes. He'd been a perfect student so far -- one missed class wouldn't matter. A sick day wouldn't matter.

So he didn't get up.

Guilt sunk in quick, the feeling that he was falling back on all the commitments he'd made. If he couldn't manage to be a hero anymore at least he could be a good student -- what, and he couldn't even manage that? What was wrong with him, at a fundamental level? He wasn't even sick he was just sad -- sad that one of his best friends was dead, that an amazing woman he grew up with and adored was gone, that this whole thing ripped her away and she would never return.... what was the point again?

Thoughts plagued him relentlessly, and at noon he was still in bed when his phone rang. He thought about not answering it, because that required moving. Then he thought about how it might be an emergency and moved.

It was his mother. He answered it immediately, "Hello mother."

"Kaldur'ahm." She said, and he knew she was on surface just from the way it sounded. "Come, I am on the docks."

Kaldur went. She was sitting on the Coast City docks, in her usual silky clothes, and stood up when he came close, ignoring the busy pedestrians and docking fishermen to wrap him up in a hug.

"I hope I'm not disturbing your classes." Sha'lain'a said in so familiar Atlantean.

He shook his head, throat tight.

"You haven't been sleeping enough." She said, cupping his face with her hand. "Or eating. I will have words with Orin."

"It's not his fault." Kaldur defended his King immediately. "I am trying, mother."

"I do not doubt that -- you try harder than anyone." Sha'lain'a said and tugged him towards the water. "Swim with me."

They lowered themselves down and into the salt, and Kaldur took a sorely needed breathe through his gills.

"The surface is so noisy." Sha'lain'a complained, wrinkling her nose and beginning a leisurely swim. "Tell me, my son, are you happy here?"

Kaldur sighed, keeping pace with her. "Here more than some and less than others."

"I would have you home in a heartbeat if I could." She said, cool with anger over the decision to exile him. "I would even join you on the surface in a moment if you expressed that desire."

"You need to stay where you belong." Kaldur said quietly. "I need to find where I belong."

"You will always belong with me. To me. You are my son." She said, firm and sure. "Even if everywhere else in the world turned you away, you will always have a place with me." She squeezed his hand. "My brave and stubborn and hardworking boy."

Kaldur felt overwhelmed and merely nodded, because the other option was to cry. He squeezed her hand back.

They swum for a little while. Sha'lain'a kept looking back at him. She finally said, "What pain you carry."

"I am alright, mother."

"You want to be, for my sake. But you're not. Have you been going to your therapy?"

"Yes." Kaldur said, and rather belatedly realized that since he laid in bed he whole morning he ignored the alarm for his anti-depressant meds.

"Do you tell him the things in your head or do you still keep them caged where they can hurt you and only you?"

Kaldur avoided her eyes. "I try."

"Good. Kaldur'ahm, I know it is Tula's birthday. And I know that contributes to your pain. She cared for you, and her absence is a scar. Her life lost is a hurt to you. But I remember the young and cheerful girl, ambitious and strong. And I think I knew her well enough to say that she would not want you to spend her birthday upset. Do you not remember the parties she would hold? Where she insisted that everyone in attendance have fun, even you as you tried to hide your smile?"

"How can I not be upset?" Kaldur asked, voice tight, thinking of her bright eyes and smile and kind heart. She used to poke him until he smiled as birthday present to her.

"You can be both. You can be happy and upset. But you have to try."

Kaldur loosened his hand in her grip and watched a lazy school of fish instead of her face. "I am tired of trying all the time."

Sha'lain'a hugged him again and rubbed his back. Taller than his mother, Kaldur curled closer, ducking his head down.

"I know you are." Sha'lain'a said. "You do not need to sprint, all I need is for you to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep going one second to the next. The rest will come later, and I will always be here for you."

He clung hard and managed to pull away without tears. She smiled and cupped his face, and said, "Every moment you keep going I am so proud of you. I have been so incredibly blessed to have a man like you as my son. I could not have asked for someone more compassionate, strong, and wonderful."

"Mother please." Kaldur said.

"You have worked hard for others your entire life." Sha'lain'a said. "Now I must kindly ask you to work as hard for yourself. For you are the most important person I want you to save. Do you understand?"

He understood, even if he didn't like it. He nodded.

"Now, let us go eat and celebrate Tula, as she would've wanted. Alright?"

Kaldur nodded again. They pulled themselves up on the docks. Kaldur debated in his head how important his meds were and ending up asking if they could stop back at his apartment.

In his apartment he quietly stopped in front of his meds, wondering if maybe it would be better to not bother, to give up on the meds and just let the world run its course. Let the tide consume him, let the world be as it was meant to be in his head, without the assistance of little chemicals.

Except that since he started taking them, while his mouth was dry and sometimes he felt like everything was stuck between him and plastic wrap, it also didn't feel crushing in the constant unceasing way it had been before. Where he felt like if he didn't end it right there and then he would just expire on the spot. That hurt was different, it was an acid in his skull, that just made everything worse.

He didn't want that. His mother was in the other room. He took the pill and brought her out for a late lunch. She asked about his classes and he lied smoothly. He introduced her to Indian food and they talked about Tula. It hurt, and he was upset but he tried really hard to be happy too, even just a little.

Sha'lain'a insisted he take her for a surface dessert as well, and they got ice cream. She didn't like the flavour she chose (mint) and Kaldur graciously swapped his cone for hers (chocolate). Then he walked her back to the docks.

"I love you, Kaldur'ahm." Sha'lain'a didn't insist on having some final parting advice, or last interrogation. She merely pressed their foreheads together, pulling his head down to her level, and saying, "Call if you need me, my son, I will be there."

"I love you too mother." Kaldur replied and hugged tightly.

Kaldur got the missed notes from his classmates, ones that he'd previously provided notes for when they sick and were more than happy to help in return. He did his homework. He felt his heart beat a hurting drum in his chest and thought about his mother just begging him to try, just try, just try.

It was so much easier said than done, but he never wanted to disappoint her.

He took his next midterm and saw Bo again. He only had one exam left, the last straggler, and there was relief in his bones that he'd managed to get the grades he wanted, despite the learning curve of surface classes to the ones he took in Atlantis, studying in his second language, and the gap of time since he last was a student and not a full-time hero.

Bo asked after his music and asked if he had any new hobbies.

Kaldur shrugged. "Outside of studying, I don't have much time. At least with music, it's something I can do concurrently."

"Do you watch TV?"

"With friends."

"What's your favourite show?"

"I do not have a preference."

"Genre? Comedy, drama, sci-fi?"

"It does not matter to me."

"Why not?"

"Because it makes my friends happy."

"But like, if you're watching something and the humor is terrible, and the dialogue is annoying, don't you want to think you'd shut it off?"

"What's your point?"

"My point is: there are things we like and there are things we don't like. Have you identified those in your mind, or do you just go along with what your friends want in every situation?"

"Isn't it easier to go along?"

"In the short term, maybe. But now in the long run, you're a grown man who can't tell me what genre of TV show he likes to watch. And that is a pretty basic fact about someone. How about a favourite animal, or colour? What do you like?"

Kaldur didn't have an answer. "It just doesn't seem relevant."

"It's relevant to understanding yourself, your identity. You were a leader, I'm sure you understand the importance of individuality -- would you really want all of your teammates to follow your orders exactly, without input, without question?"

"No."

"So...."

"So, I need my own individuality." Kaldur rubbed his forehead, and had some water, and said, "I don't know how to develop interests. How does one decide on a favourite colour?"

"Same way you got some new clothes." Bo gestured at his new favourite pair of jeans, ripped to show his dark skin at the knees. "You observe and think about what you like, and you pick and try stuff until it fits."

Kaldur agreed, mostly to stop the conversation. Except that then Bo turned it towards Tula when he mentioned the reason for his mother's visit.

"After your mother left, how did you feel?" Bo asked.

"I don't know. Sad. Tired."

"But you said you studied, instead of going back to bed."

"I had homework to do."

"Just pointing out, once again, the importance of human interaction in your healing process. You're a very connected man, Kaldur, you take strength from the others around you. If your mother hadn't called, how do you think the day would've gone?"

"I can't imagine I would've gotten up for anyone else but her."

"But that's exactly it -- it _was_ her. Because she knows you, and she loves you, and she knew how hard the day would be for you. Right?"

Kaldur shrugged but couldn't deny it. It was unlikely anyone else -- Artemis or Roy or even Orin -- would've known or remembered Tula's birthday. But his mother had been there for many of them, and she understood the importance.

"Since we still have time," Bo began, "I just wanted to broach a subject you've been pretty good at avoiding. So I want to poke this sore and see if you're interested in trying to deal with it."

"Great." Kaldur said, dry, and Bo cracked a tiny smile.

"Yes." Bo said. "So, you found out that your biological father was a villain."

The cold feeling burst in his stomach, like punching a hole in a pond of ice and watching the cold water slosh up from underneath. He said nothing.

"And you used that trauma as a means to validate your story about betraying everyone. It makes sense, from a tactical standpoint or whatever, to use that. Because it is a traumatic for sure. My problem being that I don't think you ever actually allowed yourself to deal with that. You were too busy using it as a device to actually... confront it. If that makes sense. And once you came back, it had been so long, and the ploy had been used... I'm not sure if you've ever really dealt with it."

Kaldur definitely did not want to think about it and considered walking out. Because it was something he did not want to deal with. He'd locked it up in a very tight box, where it could not hurt him, where he could use it as a manipulation tool instead of the other way around, and it was fine.

"So, what I'm asking you to think about," Bo said, eyes searching his face, and gentle for he must've seen the way Kaldur was frozen in place. "Now that we've got you on a steady regimen, and we've given you techniques to deal with flashbacks and panic attacks and mood swings, to take what you've learned and just.... work through how you feel in regard to finding this out about your father."

Kaldur figured honesty was the best policy here: "I don't want to do that."

"Okay." Bo said. "But if you do, make sure you remember what you've learned, to guide you through the process. If you'd prefer we can do it during your next session, in a controlled environment. Or you can do it on your own. It's all up to you and your comfort levels."

Kaldur fled pretty quickly after that. And try as he might, he didn't want to admit it, but Bo was right. He hadn't confronted his actual feelings on his father, he was too busy using it as a tool. And now that he was aware of it...

He put himself in the bathtub with music. Relaxing environment. Safety of water. And he thought about it.

Though he had forgiven him, the hurt at Orin and his mother for lying to him was strong. It was a betrayal he hadn't been expecting in the least -- for someone who poured their heart and soul and life into the cause, it was like getting punched in the back of the head.

But he understood why, even if he didn't agree with it. And maybe his life would've been much worse if he had known -- he would never know now. And Orin and Sha'lain'a both loved him, and he would be crazy to throw that away just for a grudge. Then he would be exactly what he had pretended to be.

When the plan had been proposed, Kaldur had been worried about his own convictions. About whether or not he could withhold himself in a situation that (apparently) no one would question him for breaking under. That he had to live, day in, and day out, with the man who was his biological father.

Kaldur had worried that with enough exposure, he would buy into it. He did not voice this opinion to Dick, but it was underneath the surface. He knew he was strong but was he strong enough to withstand that kind of emotional manipulation? That kind of confusing situation where he had to play and live a part?

But he did not bend. Because there was a firm line in his mind of what was right and what was wrong, and his biological father never once crossed into the territory of right. There was no question to Kaldur that he was evil, that there was nothing for him inside that man.

The actual hardest part in the end was seeing their similarities. Seeing himself, his steel, inside of his biological father. Seeing how his strength and skill could be utilized to create something horrible and terrifying.

To see where he could've ended up, if things had truly been different.

It haunted him in a strange way -- sometimes he would have nightmares that he had never been a hero, that decay and murder was all he'd ever known, that the steel persona he created was poison and death and it was everything he hated. And it was so realistic because he'd played that game and he'd lived that lie.

Overwhelmed, Kaldur practiced the deep breathing bullshit that Bo taught him until the clouds in his brain that covered everything in an unfeeling fog pulled away to reveal the cold confused hurt and suffering.

How did he feel about his biological father?

He felt this large, complicated emotion. There was hatred, disgust, there was cold pockets and sick satisfaction. There was the lurch in his stomach every time he saw his face. There was the ice in his veins at playing that game. There were the moments where he was proud, horribly and terribly proud of convincing every one of his role, of winning his biological father's affection.

And that was a nasty feeling to have. It was slimy and moving and caught in his throat and he didn't want it anymore. It made him nauseous and he had to get out of the bathwater. The music was idle, and it cut through the air and he thought... he thought...

Kaldur thought about the moment he felt proud of what he'd done, of how he'd won his father over, of how his father approved of every horrible thing he did, that was the moment he knew that he had to die. Because there was absolutely no coming back from that. There was no universe where he could ever be clean again, because he'd taken this disgusting man, he'd pretended to be the son he wanted, and he was proud when he accomplished it.

And every moment since then had been a ticking clock to his own death.

Kaldur was sick and shook from head to toe.

He stayed on the bathroom floor for a while, living in that frozen cold feeling, before his sluggish brain reminded him that it was a flashback, and that he needed to ground himself, that Bo said if he was going to think about this that he needed to be ready to take care of himself. He did the strange grounding technique, almost absent with how many times Bo made him practice while he was calm, and it took a while but the room no longer felt like four tiny walls at the bottom of the ocean while his skin rotted on his bones from the disgusting life he had led.

Once withdrawn, he was still shaking, and he definitely didn't know what to do.

It half-felt like he was still there, even with the grounding, and he needed exterior confirmation. He needed --

Bo's words, again, about the importance of reaching out. Of other people. It was late, but she would still be awake. Kaldur texted Artemis, _'sorry to bother you...'_ with shaking fingers.

He got drained the bath and got dressed, in which time she replied, _'not bothering, what's up?'_

_'Are you busy?'_

_'not for you. want me to come over?'_

_'If you don't mind'_

_'omw'_

Kaldur wanted to stop shaking by the time she got there, so grabbed the blanket off his bed and curled up on the couch. Unfortunately, it did not help as much as he wanted it to, and he was still trembling when Artemis let herself in the door.

"Hey." Artemis greeted, peeling off her coat.

"Hello." Kaldur said, pulling the blanket down a little.

"What's up?"

Kaldur shrugged. Artemis joined him on the couch and insisted on crawling in the blanket to hug him very tightly around the middle.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not particularly."

"You're shaking."

"I would stop if I could."

Artemis squeezed. "Okay. Well, do you want to put something on? And I can make fun of it until you laugh then maybe you'll be okay."

Kaldur doubted that but grabbed the remote from the back of the couch and put the TV on. Artemis stole it from him, one handed, and navigated until she got to a house-flipping show and made very disparaging comments about the people and the house in an almost endless monologue. She seemed to at least be in a slightly better mood than the last time he saw her, but she had a thin sheen of sweat so she had been either working out or out on patrol when he texted. She must've abandoned it immediately for him.

Maybe he should've felt guilty, but with the fine tremor running through him, he just felt insanely grateful. He called, she came.

When Kaldur calmed, but still was dazed and quiet, she ventured, "Are you sure you don't want to talk about a little?"

Kaldur sighed and sat up. Artemis let up, eyes on his face, watching, turning down the volume on the TV in a dull roar.

"It's not..." Kaldur really, really didn't want to talk about it. But he had called Artemis and she had come. He kind of owed her. Maybe. "I was talking to my therapist today."

"Right." Artemis said, prompting, when he made no move to continue any further.

Kaldur rubbed the back of his neck and tried to restrain himself from making a face. He took a deep breath. "And I just... was thinking about what he said. And."

He halted, because he hated the inconsistently of his speech, the hesitation. He tried to gather the words he wanted to say in his head instead of fumbling around in the dark for them. "Specifically about my biological father."

Artemis' mouth rounded, and she nodded in understanding. "Yeah, okay. That's pretty rough."

Still rubbing the back of his neck, he looked away from Artemis, and said, "And how I feel about it, and how I feel about that information being kept from me, and... everything else that happened with him."

"And how do you feel about it?"

"I don't know." Kaldur shook his head. "A hundred different things."

She nodded again. "That sounds very overwhelming."

It was, so Kaldur shrugged. He didn't know what else to say.

"You know," Artemis tugged on the end of her ponytail, looking thoughtful. "There's a lot to consolidate in your head, I think. It's a pretty unique experience that I don't think the others really understand how it shakes your foundations."

"How did you feel?" Kaldur asked.

"I half-knew, most of my life." Artemis said. "Just from what was going on. But I really found out when I was kid, maybe nine or ten. The whole truth. And you wonder if that kind of thing is genetic, right? How much of it is inside of me, just waiting? And you wonder if you should be doing more to oppose this, or if you're doomed, or what."

That put a name to a part of his problem, at least, because it was true. She understood, and she was right -- she understood in a way that almost no one else would. The parental villain club.

"But I'll tell you, Kaldur." She reached out and gripped his hand hard. "It doesn't mean shit. Our parents’ decisions don't dictate a thing about ourselves. I know that it's obvious, but it's true. Whatever biological material they contributed doesn't influence the choices that we make, doesn't mean that there is any ticking time bomb inside of us. Would you ever, for a second, fear that I might succumb to my father?"

"No."

She smiled, pleased. "And I would never, not for a second, fear the same of you."

Kaldur nodded slowly.

"I never had it kept from me like you did." Artemis sat back a bit, face drawn and pensive. "But I can only imagine it's a pretty big betrayal. Yes, maybe they meant well, and it turned out for the best. Except that this kind of thing is how we built our identity. I spent my whole life deliberately trying to oppose him, trying to be something specifically because of what I didn't want to be. And to learn that late in life -- it would throw me off my feet. Like an earthquake cracking the foundation."

"Yes." Kaldur said, mouth dry. He reached for his water bottle and had a long draught.

"You're going to be okay." Artemis told him, fierce. "I promise you that you're going to be okay. Because you are a million times stronger than him, and you've got a compassionate and caring heart, and nothing about him could ever exist inside you."

Kaldur helplessly thought about the flashes of himself he saw in his father. The steely eyed determination used for evil. But Artemis was in the same boat -- she was the other side of his coin. And she was good, she was not evil.

If she could survive and thrive despite the foundations they shared, maybe there wasn't any reason that he could not do the same.

"Thank you for coming." Kaldur said quietly.

"I'm only glad I can be of _some_ help." Artemis said, and gave a little sigh.

They returned to the TV, and Artemis fiddled with her phone. Then she said, "I like your photograph. And that toy is hilarious."

"They had one of Ollie." Kaldur said, and Artemis laughed, reaching over to hold the picture frame.

"I love this a lot. You're great with her."

"She's lot like a miniature Roy, and I already know how to deal with him."

That really made Artemis laugh.


	3. Chapter 3

Kaldur woke already halfway out of bed, his heart thundering, jammed in the back of his throat and suffocating him. Nightmares were something consistent in his life from the moment he took up at Orin's side -- dreams of failure, of losing, of death, of being close but not close enough, and they only gained more and more material over the years of personal failure and loss.

But this... this was something different. His nightmares were going from 'dreams that happened to be bad' to 'intolerable, inescapable and genuinely distressing'. Before it was as if his brain was just playing out scenarios, like training while asleep. Now it was like...

Being trapped. That sleep was not an escape, it was a torture method.

The substance of the dream changed constantly, from even moment to moment. He was a hero, he was a villain. He was killing, he was being killed. The terror came from a lack of control -- his powers disobeying him, the ground under his feet deep like sand and he couldn't run away, horrific scenes offered up with disembowelment and gore that he knew was his fault, or it was someone he knew, and he was being chased -- he was endlessly being chased. Hounded, terrified, and knowing he could not get away, no matter how hard he tried. That he was trapped.

After he finally unearthed the feelings surrounding his father, suddenly he was a focal point. Usually his father was the one chasing him, and Kaldur knew he would always catch up, no matter how fast he ran.

It was hard to convince himself to go back to sleep. Easier to get up, and go study, or go work out, or go lie in the bathtub and stare at the wall and think _: if I was dead I wouldn't have to dream at all._

It was the weekend when Roy texted him. _'hey artemis and i are taking lian to get sea shells and poke aneomones in tide pools, do you wanna come?'_

Followed by a double-text, _'aneomes. anenemes. you know what i mean.'_

Kaldur had been up most of the night, so his coursework was done, and he had no reasonable excuse to say no. He wanted to say no, because he was incredibly tired, but the thought of closing his eyes and falling back into the recent surge of nightmares was worse. He texted back, _'Anemones. If you want me to come, I will.'_

_'always. artemis will pick you up.'_

Kaldur grabbed his water bottle and put his coat on. Artemis swung by and picked him up on foot, jumping immediately into a story about the mission she'd been on the night before as they walked. They didn't leave the city, heading towards the actual coastline of Coast City, where Lian and Roy met up with them.

"Sorry that we're slow." Roy said, jogging up with Lian on his hip. She had a grey raincoat that looked like a walrus when the hood was up.

"Auntie! Kali!" Lian shrieked and reached for them. Roy passed her off nimbly.

"What's up kid?" Artemis greeted, and swung her in a big wide circle. "What were you guys up to?"

"Screaming." Roy replied, dryly. Artemis laughed, and held Lian aloft in front of her.

"What were you yelling about?" Artemis asked, as if she might answer.

"I think it's just recreational." Roy rubbed his temples. "But she seemed excited to get sea shells, I think. She's been to the beach before."

Lian kicked out, and said, "Down, down!"

Artemis put her down and Lian collided into Kaldur's legs.

"Hello little one." Kaldur said, absently, and put a hand in her hair.

"Kali!" Lian replied predictably.

"Good to go?" Roy asked.

Kaldur nodded. Artemis offered her hand, and Lian took it, hopping down the boardwalk steps toward the beach, shrieking as she hopped on each wooden step.

"You alright?" Roy tipped his head, lingering behind for a moment.

"I'm fine." Kaldur replied, and tried to straighten his spine, to raise his eyes from the ground. To wake up. He wasn't entirely successful, but luckily Roy had a loud and attention seeking daughter to look after.

It wasn't a warm day, so the beach was quiet. The shoreline was ripe with foam, rolling with the thin film. Where the water retreated there was darker sand, dotted with smooth broken shells pieces among tiny rocks. Artemis led Lian there, dropping to her knee and helping the toddler inspect the pieces and search for larger, unbroken shells.

Kaldur stared out over the ocean in front of him, feeling a little like the scattered bits discarded on the sand. Fuzzy and in a million pieces. Tired, so tired. Looking at the water, he missed his home, but not home as it was now -- home as it was when he was a child. As a very young child, before he was a soldier. Those memories were dusty and barely touched now. So young that home was just a _feeling_ \-- security, mostly. Without fear, without doubt in himself. He wasn't born with that, it was instilled in him. Never before had he questioned it, that it was all a part of growing up. But with Bo harping on his lack of individuality, and the fact that he dedicated himself to the mission, Kaldur was beginning to realize that he wouldn't wish his life on anyone.

Standing on the shore was like walking up to the front porch of your childhood home without going inside. Kaldur kept his shoes on. He couldn't quite tear his eyes away, watching boats dotted along the dark waters. 

"Hey," Roy said, joining his side and offering something out.

Kaldur took it. It was a shell, rough on one side and glossy on the other. It was missing a chip out of the ridged edge but was otherwise almost whole. "Thank you," He said, automatically.

Roy was looking at him, the cool wind between them, observant eyes scanning his face. The little flip of red hair, along with a light scruff on his jawline. He said, "What's up?"

Kaldur cast one more look at the ocean, homesick, and turned around to join them in the search. "Nothing."  
Lian filled pockets full of shells, and led them all along the coast, until the sand broke way to rocks and the low-tide revealed pools in the crevices. There wasn't a wide variety of creatures today, no anemones, but there were plenty of starfish. They were Lian's favourite, and she ended up crying when Roy wouldn't let her take one home.

"It would die, kiddo." Roy told her, rubbing her back as she cried, never one to sugar-coat.

"Are we explaining concepts of death to the one-year-old now?" Artemis said, crouched on her other side. "Lian, we can come back and visit them again soon!"

Kaldur stared off over the rocks and tried very hard not to make mental comparisons about sea creatures being pulled from their homes and dying. Maybe that was it, after all. His suicidal behaviour was a manifestation of a starfish dragged out into the open air until it shrivelled up and died.

To cheer Lian from crying, Roy and Artemis took a hand each and swung her back and forth until she was giggling again. Then there was a break for snacks, where Roy drank from a juice box and Artemis mocked him relentlessly. Kaldur caught himself staring at the water again, this time in a daze, like he might fall asleep and never wake up.

Roy insisted they get take-out for dinner back at his apartment. Kaldur didn't have the energy to fight him so he went along. Artemis stayed long enough to eat all the ginger beef, then said she had more work to do and left after giving them each a goodbye -- multiple forehead kisses for Lian, a brief hug to Kaldur, and an elbow to the side for Roy, as well as a pointed glance in Kaldur's direction that he graciously pretended not to see.

Lian cried when she was forced to take a bath, sandy from the beach and grumpy and tired. Once she was clean and in bed, it was almost too quiet. Kaldur had tried to take his leave by saying he had to study, but Roy insisted Kaldur stay and he would help him study. They sat across from each other on the couch as Roy quizzed him.

They got through the whole stack of flashcards, and Roy was looking very seriously at his face again.

"Something you want to ask?" Kaldur said, biting the bullet. Too tired for nuance.

Roy sighed, shuffling the flashcards. "You've been very distant today. I think you've said like ten words total. What's up?"

Kaldur shook his head. "Nothing. I'm fine."

Roy tapped his fingernails on the cards. A long few moments went by, as Roy's mouth twisted. He braced himself before saying, "I was just thinking... and I was just... Are you really fine? Or is it like before? When you weren't saying anything and I missed it and --"

There an anxiety on Roy's face that seemed very out of place. Kaldur remembered being yelled at by Dick in a Gotham safe house, being told that it fucked Roy up most of all when he tried to kill himself. He always tried hard not to bring his attempt up around Roy. Especially since what he had to say about the matter was often not very reassuring.

"I'm just tired." Kaldur said. He didn't want to bring up the thoughts he'd been having, the relentless mental badgering. It would only upset him.

Though Roy did look upset already. It always manifested as anger in him, a sharp furrow in his brow, and Kaldur knew it wasn't anger directed _at_ him. Roy said, "I've done some sessions with a therapist myself, Dinah sure insisted after everything that happened. And one of the things that we talked about was... acknowledging my feelings. That touchy-feely bullshit, you know. And you know I'm terrible at that. But I don't want Lian to grow up with an emotionally stunted father -- I had enough of that shit for both of us. And I don't want you to... I don't want you to get to that place again without knowing."

Kaldur had a cold rush of premonition. He suddenly knew where this conversation was going, and he desperately wanted it to stop before it got there. "Roy, wait--"

His best friend shook his head. "No, it's important. I don't need you to respond or anything, I just... I want you to know how loved you are, because maybe if you knew that, it could've changed things. I can't stand the thought of it getting that bad again and you not knowing that I _love_ you."

Kaldur shut his eyes. He wanted to run away. His mind was nearly incoherent, and the only thing that was clear was: _he cannot love me, I am cursed. I will kill him._

He forced himself to look at Roy again, hoping the terror wasn't as clear on his face as it was in his mind. Roy stared back, observant eyes steady.

"That is a mistake." Kaldur replied, voice hoarse. It was not a real reply.

Roy shrugged, unperturbed. "I'm good at those."

Kaldur shook his head, adamant.

"You don't have to say anything." Roy repeated. "I just wanted you to know. Do you want to go through the flashcards again?"

Kaldur said yes just so the conversation would move on. They went through the cards and he tried not to feel so dizzy, so struck off his axis. He didn't bring the topic up again, and Roy didn't either, both letting it fall unacknowledged. Kaldur felt terrible that he'd said nothing real in response, and it sat on his chest. He should've said something.

He cared for him. He should've said something. Why couldn't he say anything? Why was it so hard for him?

When he was leaving, Roy said to him, "You would tell me, right? If you were there again."  
Kaldur didn't want to lie to him. "I would like to think I would."  
Roy grimaced, and nodded. "Okay. You know where I am if you want to talk. Or study. I'm getting pretty good at being a flashcard mule."

"Yes, you are." Kaldur said and gave a solemn nod. "Have a good night."

"See you soon." Roy replied, a challenge.

"I will." Kaldur met it.

Roy let him go. Kaldur went home and slept only a few hours before waking up, struggling against an invisible enemy. After, he laid there and listened to music, trying to chase demons from his head. He'd found the Post Traumatic album by Mike Shinoda, which had been written after the lead singer of Linkin Park killed himself. The circumstances of the musical creation made a particular kind of painful when he was listening to it, like guilt or understanding.

He liked 'Place to Start': _Did somebody else define me? / Can I put the past behind me? / Do I even have a decision / feeling like I'm living in a story already written / pointing fingers at villains but I'm the villain myself /or am I out of conviction with no wind in the sail? / too focused on the end and simply ready to fail_

It was a sucker punch to the chest. The song was short and ended with voicemails that friends had left to check in. Before his attempt Kaldur would've said that no one would have cared like that, but now he knew it would have been shitty to a lot of people. Roy, Artemis, Orin, his mother, Dick, Conner, M'gann... they all had shown over and over that they cared deeply if he lived or died.

Which only made him feel so much worse that he _still_ wanted to die. He couldn't stop thinking about the moment when Roy said _love_ and how Kaldur's stomach dropped out and he said nothing, nothing, nothing.

With that in mind, he went to the therapy office in the morning. He didn't have an appointment but asked if Bo was free anytime during the day. They told him to come back after lunch, and he did.

"Hey Kaldur." Bo greeted him, as if this was no special circumstance, sitting with his legs crossed and blowing on the top of his latte. It had the art of a flower. "What would you like to talk about today?"

Kaldur didn't know where to start. He was fidgeting with his water bottle and hating himself for not being able to sit still. He shrugged.

Bo sucked the foam flower off the top of his drink and sealed the lid back on. "What's the thing that is upsetting you the most at this exact moment?"

It all seemed terrible, inarticulate. Sharp and untouchable. "I am cursed." Kaldur said eventually.

"Okay," Bo said, "Did something new happen?"

"Roy told me he loves me."

"Hey, that's cool." Bo smiled. "Though I'm assuming you don't _think_ it's cool, because you're cursed. What was it again, you think that anyone who loves you gets hurt, right?"

"Right." Kaldur said through a tight throat.

"So you push people away." Bo tapped his pen, still smiling, unhurried. "You don't want them to get too close to you, or else they'll end up hurt because of you."

"Yes."

"And it also happens that if people can't get that close, then they can't hurt you either. Right?"

Kaldur didn't answer that. He unscrewed the lid of his water bottle and sealed it again, over and over.

"Sometimes we need to protect ourselves... sometimes we take on coping mechanisms that keep us safe. Like, say, a mechanism to keep people at arm’s reach, like a curse. You can't hurt them, and they can't hurt you. And this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe you're not ready to be close to someone. People don't have to be open to intimacy in every moment of their lives. Sometimes what you need is to be with yourself and figure yourself out."

"I don't get it." Kaldur shook his head.

"You don't have to jump into a relationship just because someone tells you they love you. What did you say?"

"Nothing really. He said he just wanted me to know."

"Exactly. Roy is just letting you know where he stands. If your still unstable, you're still struggling, you are under no obligation to do anything at all with that information. Maybe in the future, once we've had a chance to pick apart what you consider your curse, and understand the underlying problems there, then you could consider it."

Kaldur had not been expecting to feel relief at that. But there was -- the moment Roy told him, there was this... fear of expectation. That Kaldur needed to do something, that he _had_ to, because he'd said that. It was a relief to hear from an outside source that no, he wasn't required to reciprocate, or to verbalize a denial. Or an agreement. "I thought there was something wrong with me that I did not just... accept. It is not that I don't... feel for him." _Love him._ But that was hard to say.

Bo smiled. "I think in this case, Kaldur, that you are exactly where you need to be. You shouldn't force yourself to respond just because you think it's what you should do. You are doing exactly what you need to be doing. Just keep going forward, stabilizing yourself, and when you are ready, you know where he stands."

That didn't fix everything, but Kaldur took a deep breath and said, "Yes. Yes, alright."

Then Bo asked him what else was on his mind.

Kaldur shook his head. "I don't know. We went to the beach and I got a little homesick. But that... that is not something that can be fixed. And being homesick for me is fairly complicated. With the exile, but also with having been living on the surface for years before that. There are parts of it, where I just miss being somewhere with the same culture, the same mindset, my own people."

Bo waited, listening, patient eyes. Kaldur wasn't aware he had so much to say on the matter. 

Kaldur continued, "When I came to the surface it was learning so many new things, not just people and places and customs, but the unspoken things. Things I can and can't do in either place, how people will react to me. What race means here and what it means there. I know you understand what I mean."

Bo spread his dark-skinned hand and nodded understandingly.

Kaldur said, "I miss knowing where I stand with people, not having to overthink every interaction I have. Even after all these years, I am still catching up to my peers, communicating in my second language, all of it. It gets exhausting. But even if I went home, even then, it would not be the same anymore. Not after what I did."

"That's definitely a rough situation." Bo agreed. "While I can't fix your exile, I can offer some advice to help the feeling. The biggest would be to spend some time with Atlanteans, like your mother or your King. Talk to them, maybe even do some things you used to do at home with them."

"I would not want to bother them with something so trivial."

Bo chuckled. "I can't speak for your King, but have I ever told you that I actually met your mother?"

Kaldur looked up, surprised.

Bo grinned. "Yup. When I was getting security cleared to be your therapist, she specifically came to meet me. Asked me a ton of questions about myself, about my therapy style, and then told me all about you. She adores you, that much is clear. That woman I talked to would _never_ have been bothered by you. I think you'd make her very happy if you talked to her, actually."

Kaldur cleared his throat, and rubbed his neck, and looked away. He shouldn't have been surprised.

The session was almost up, and Bo told him about how engaging in your new surroundings was also a good way to deal with homesickness, and having a hobby was a great way to do that.

It was tied into their very ongoing conversation at this point, but he was persistent.

"Your mind doesn't have enough to do. And certainly not enough fun things. It will help, I promise."

It was just so _hard._ Kaldur left the appointment and thought about the hobbies that other people had -- sports, crafts, art... it all seemed so out of his realm. He engaged in television and music because it was passive -- it required no actual participation on his part. Anything he did that was generative would be an extension of himself, created by him, and Kaldur honestly didn't think there was enough inside himself that he could start taking pieces off to make new things.

He thought about calling his mother for a while but couldn't actually make himself go through with it. His mind was rather unstable, and she would know in about two seconds when she was talking to him. He didn't want to worry her. He didn't want to be a burden.

As for getting an interest or hobby... beyond just having absolutely no idea where to start, it was also because it felt so selfish and stupid. He was meant to be a soldier, he was meant to be fighting for the greater good, he was meant to be giving his body to the cause. And what? He was just going to go play some fucking tennis instead?

It was bad enough that he was wasting his time in college, that he was doing absolutely nothing productive with his life now. To take up some frivolous hobby seemed absolutely ridiculous.

And he thought about Roy. In a disbelieving way, where he would remember _love_ and then the intrusive thoughts would come crashing back into his head, tripping over each other in their haste to remind him that he would kill him, he would ruin him, it was a mistake to love him, it was all a big cosmic mistake, Kaldur was meant to be _dead_ , to be dead, to not hurt anyone else.

Later, while Kaldur was in class, and it was like there was a pressure growing in his chest. Something was off. It was frustrating, because whatever was wrong was growing unbearable.

Something was off. Fear? Was he afraid? What was he afraid of? It didn't make sense. He was merely just sitting in class. The instructor was droning on. Nothing was wrong.

"Dude," The guy sitting next to him whispered to his friend. "Why do you smell like smoke?"

"I wore this jacket to the bonfire yesterday." The friend explained, but Kaldur wasn't listening anymore. His mind was blank, his mind was a million miles away, and he was frozen, he was so cold, he was so, so cold. Was his father there? Was he in the room? Because it felt like he was. It felt like he was underwater, and his father was there, and --

Kaldur was so sure that he was there. He shut his eyes and breathed, almost too quick, shivering hard. He was underwater, wasn't he? He was wearing his father's colours, he was trapped, he was scared, he was doing what needed to be done. He was so cold. It was bone deep.

People talked around him. The words had to do with... sociology?

Wait, where was he?

Kaldur peeked open one eye. Unfamiliar surroundings. Was he safe? The person speaking was in front of them. Where was his father? Looking around, heart beating way too hard, he didn't see him. Why did he think he was there?

He'd felt this before, didn't he? This cold, so haunting and gripping. It was a flashback. This was a flashback.

Bo had talked him through the coping mechanism a thousand times, but usually he was sitting in the calm, quiet office. Not in the middle row of a lecture hall. But he knew the steps -- breathe, first of all. He struggled to take a deep breath without making it too obvious. Grounding. What he saw, what he heard, what he felt. He picked his mint tea up and opened the lid with trembling fingers, focusing on inhaling that smell. The heat of the cup on his fingers. Told himself it was a flashback, that his father was not in his sociology class. It was just a flashback, he wasn't in danger.

The next step was to do whatever he needed to feel safe. So when the class ended he didn't go to the library, he went home and locked all the doors and put his back against the wall.

Kaldur knew what he should've done next, which was to call someone. But he couldn't bear it -- he couldn't reach out like that just to waste their time. Because once he was done trembling, once he was sure he was safe, his mind was absolutely swallowed by one thought, and one thought alone.

_I don't want to be here anymore._

It was all so exhausting and looking at having to keep doing this into the next week, even the next hour was just unbearable. That it was always going to come back to this moment, where he was gripped with this terrifying sense of wrong, that his life was suffering, and it would only ever continue to be suffering. Breathless, hopeless.

There was no ground under his feet anymore. His mind was on the sheer terror he'd felt earlier, how it cut him to the bone with cold. All the things he'd done. All the things done to him. There was no escape, no running, even if he was just sitting in class it would come back to haunt him. No matter what he did. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to keep doing this. Why was everyone forcing him to keep doing this?

What was the point of his existence? He could go to school and get hobbies but what was the _point?_

Kaldur jumped up and began to pace, well aware that all his blood was moving too fast, rushing. It was as if there were hands on his back, pushing him in a direction he couldn't see. But he could guess where he was going.

He didn't think about his suicide attempt often. The actual day, what happened before hand, what he did. But Kaldur remembered it was wild, uncontrolled, and his heart beat so hard and he had been thinking, _stop, you have to stop, I can't take this anymore,_ and it seemed like it was absolutely the only option he had left. That there was no other way to escape the pain, the suffering, the shame.

After all the therapy and meds and work he'd put in, his mood had improved, but like a storm on the horizon it seemed he was doomed to be right back where he started. The downswing brought him here -- staring at his apartment full of perfectly reasonable ways to kill himself and leaving it up to only his own will power not to do so.

During his attempt, his mind said, _they won't care, don't tell them, do it before you get caught, get it done before they know_.

But this time around, it was clouded, it was -- _you promised you wouldn't, what will they tell Lian?, this is the moment where you're supposed to use your safety plan, how terrible would Roy feel if you killed yourself days after he said he loved you?_

Kaldur took out his safety plan. It all seemed so hard, so pointless, when he would only ever end up back there. But there was no second option -- either he was going to do something very stupid, or he needed to use the safety plan.

He tried the coping mechanisms, deep breathing, some more grounding. He couldn't make himself stop pacing as he did them, however. He picked up his phone and imagined calling each person, ruining their evening. And what could they do to help?

The safety plan reminded him that if he removed his isolation, it was harder to hurt himself. That was what they could do to help. But it was impossible to break past the guilt and shame at making that call. He didn't want to do that to them.

Kaldur was exhausted by his own feelings, his own mind. He wanted it to stop. He didn't want to be there anymore. It was less frantic now, more plaintive. Pitiful. Pathetic.

The safety plan insisted that he contact someone. Kaldur stared at his contacts, at Roy, remembering that he'd told him if he was in that place again, this place, he would tell him. He dialled his number. Then he thought about Roy sitting at home with his beautiful daughter, and Kaldur's fucked up problems careening in and ruining everything. He hung up when it only rang twice.

Blank screen. Kaldur contemplated throwing his phone at the wall. Or turning it off to stop the inevitable moment when --

Roy called him back. He let it ring, and then felt like an idiot, and answered it moments before it went to voicemail.

"Hey," Roy greeted, breathless. "What's up?"

"It is nothing. I apologize." Kaldur replied, hugging one arm tightly across his chest, squeezing his eyes shut and desperately hoping Roy would believe him.

"Bullshit." Roy said, not unkindly. "You never call me first unless something is wrong. And you especially don't call and hang up before I can answer. Are you at home?"

"Yes. But I am fine." Kaldur tried to ensure his voice sounded maybe normal.

"I'm coming over anyway. Don't move."

"Lian--"

"Lian is currently getting her hair done by Dinah, she's in good hands. See you soon."

Kaldur swallowed and resigned himself.

If Kaldur had even an inch of control left he might’ve pretended to be okay before Roy got there — sat down, put the TV on, pulled out his studying, something. But instead he kept pacing. His heart too fast, almost dizzy with it.

Roy knocked on the door as he let himself in. He said, “Hey man.”

Kaldur slowed, scratching his arms. He said, “You did not have to come all this way.”

“It’s nice to get out.” Roy replied, eyes on Kaldur’s movement. “You look like you could use it too. Let’s go for a walk.”

He acquiesced, in a helpless, _'someone is giving me orders and I’m going to follow them because that's what I'm trained to do'_ way. With how his mental state was, it was easier to revert to that. He put his jacket and shoes on and followed Roy right back out the door he just came in.

The sun was out. Roy had a baseball cap and walked with his hands in his pockets. Kaldur kept his arms crossed, grinding his teeth and trying to think past everything crowded in his head. His legs were weak, fingers trembling.

Roy didn’t say anything. He did stop at a vending machine and get an orange juice, drinking some, then offered the rest to Kaldur. It seemed rude to refuse, so he silently drank it. It blunted how sharp his nerves were just a little, evened out his vertigo.

Kaldur thought about apologizing, but he wasn’t sure what for. He thought about explaining, but he wasn’t aware of what it was himself. Then he thought about when they used to go on missions together, and work in sync seamlessly and silently, and maybe that’s what they were doing. Maybe this was just Roy understanding, being his teammate, without question and with full support. Like this was any other mission.

That was kind of reassuring. He avoided thinking about _love_ , because Bo had told him he didn’t need to worry about that yet. Focus on himself. Focus on not feeling like he was going to die in the next five minutes.

They found a park. Kaldur gave in and sat on a bench, folding his fingers together in his lap to hide their shake. Roy joined him, easy posture, looking out over the dog walkers and Frisbee throwers.

“What are you thinking about?” Roy finally spoke, casual.

Kaldur swallowed. In the moment, his mind was trying to find a grip on something to stop his hurtling backslide. Mostly it was the mental equivalent of bleeding fingernails and scraped palms against an unforgiving surface. He ended up just shaking his head — none of the answers he could’ve given seemed good enough.

"Why did you call?" Roy asked next.

Kaldur carefully sucked in a breath of the fresh air. The cool breeze. "I said I would."

Quiet. Roy knew what he was talking about, what he was alluding to. It was easier than admitting out loud where his mind was. After a long moment where he could barely look at his best friend, Roy offered out a hand. Kaldur hesitated, unsure, and offered his own hand in return.

Roy took his, gripping hard. Fingers sideways, not interwoven in respect for his webbing. He used both hands to hold onto him.

Kaldur breathed, and Roy's grip was steady. Like if he held on tightly enough, Kaldur wouldn't go anywhere. They sat silently on a park bench, distant sounds, unimportant, focused on the support, the presence, the long-established teamwork between them. Even in matters as abstract as this.

"I'm trying." Kaldur said eventually, as if speaking it might make it true.

"It doesn't have to be perfect." Roy replied, because he knew Kaldur well enough that he would beat himself up for anything less than perfection. "You just gotta keep doing it."

Kaldur stared into the middle distance, and said almost absently, "I thought I was doing better."

"I don't think this shit is ever linear." Roy shrugged, the motion carrying through their hands that were still clutched tight. "If you wanna tell me about it, I'm listening."

Neither spoke for a while. Kaldur didn't really want to tell him about it. It seemed like such a burden to put on him. But maybe he could provide insight for the superhero aspect, since Roy knew the hero life like his therapist did not. He wondered how to phrase his question, and eventually said, "Without the fighting, the mission... what is the point?"

Roy looked at him, and asked with a raised eyebrow, "To what?"

This seemed melodramatic and grim, but, "Existence."

"I don't really know the point to existence." Roy said, with a careful steadiness, covering up whatever else he was feeling. "But I know that I want you around for it."

Kaldur huffed, trying to feel amused past the impenetrable fog. The Frisbee players in the distance threw their disc into the pond water, and one of them shrieked as they waded in to fetch it. "Is it not selfish of me to abandon the life and waste my time studying sociological theory?"

"Did you think it was selfish when Wally and Artemis went to college?" Roy turned the question back on him.

"That is different."

"Why?"

He couldn't really answer.

Roy said, "You're too hard on yourself. You don't need to spend every moment of your goddamn life giving yourself to the cause. That only led to exactly where we are now -- with nothing left. And if you can agree with me that other people's lives mean something even when they are not dedicating themselves to some fucking greater good, then you gotta acknowledge it applies to you too."

It was a conversation they'd had before, possibly dozens of times, in various times and places over their lives. Roy saying to him, _you are worth something more than just a tool._

In the usual pantomime of this argument, Kaldur would scoff and say that there were more important things at stake than himself. But now, sitting with nothing left of himself to offer, he could only squeeze Roy's hand, and try to truly listen to his words for what might have been the first time.

"So, if I am not a soldier," Kaldur said, voice that pretend-musing, like the question didn't hurt him. "What am I?"

Roy faced him head on, with blazing eyes, always so fierce. He said, "My best friend. One of my daughter's absolute favourite people. A friend to so many, a devoted son, a scholar. A good person, one of the strongest motherfuckers I've ever met."

Kaldur didn't meet his gaze and tried to take the words to heart instead of dismissing them. It was hard -- the voices in his mind were louder.

They sat a little longer. Still holding on. Roy asked, "What do you want to do now?"

Kaldur was exhausted. He didn't have the energy to figure out what he needed. "Tell me what to do."

“Sure,” Roy said. “Dinah said she’d have a girl's night with Lian, so we’re free to do whatever. How about we go eat, I’m thinking... gyros. Then we should go work out, or spar or something. Keep moving, you know?”

“Gyros?” Kaldur asked.

Roy stood up and pulled Kaldur up by his hand as well. “Oh, you’ll love it. I haven’t had any since I got Lian but it’s great.”

Kaldur went, without protest. He’d asked Roy to choose, after all. They had gyros in a loud restaurant, so full of good food and life that it was slowly pushing Kaldur back into his own head. Then they took a zeta to Star City and utilized the one the safehouses there that had a private gym. They sparred. Roy complained that the gyros were slowing him down when Kaldur still beat him.

The time passed in a bit of a daze, like he was a puppet going through the motions, but of one thing he was sure — Roy was there; he was constant, his observing gaze keeping an eye on him. Once they’d exhausted themselves in the gym, Roy insisted he come over, and made them both a disgusting green smoothie. Kaldur drank it to be polite.

It was late. Kaldur said, “I should go.”

Roy shrugged. “You don’t have to. It’ll be quiet with Lian sleeping out anyway — you could keep me company.”

It was a flimsy excuse. Kaldur took it anyway, sleeping on the couch, and letting the TV play after Roy went to sleep.

What did he like to watch anyway? He grabbed the remote and went through all the channels. The different genres of show — sit com, action, documentary, soap opera...

A rerun of General Hospital was on. In between the various romance plots, the saga of Kevin and his evil twin Ryan was continuing. Kaldur stared for a long time, at all of Kevin’s loved ones believing the lie, and thought helplessly, _how could they think it was me?_

He wasn’t angry with Roy — he’d apologized, and said he’d been a bad friend; that his own shit had clouded it all. But watching the stupid plot play out, Kaldur realized there was people he was angry with. Specifically, his family, his King. And this was hard, because he was always wanting to be respectful and obedient to them at all times.

But despite that, despite years and years of being the good solider and good son, they had believed it. And maybe that was why his homesickness was so damn strong now more than ever — because in the past, he still had that unwavering connection to other Atlanteans — to his mother and Orin.

Now, he had a rock in his throat, and wished he could say to them... how could you ever believe that? After everything I’ve ever done for you? After everything?

Distracted from his task of finding some show he genuinely liked, Kaldur scowled and turned the TV completely off. He rolled to face the couch and stewed in quiet anger and hurt.

Morning came eventually. Lian had returned and was the one who woke him up, crawling on top of him and saying, “Kali! Kali!”

“Little one.” Kaldur acknowledged, half asleep.

“Up!”

Kaldur got up, bringing her with him and putting her on his hip. Roy was awake, predictably grumpy about it. It should not have been as endearing as it was. They supervised breakfast and made a little of their own, and it was far too easy to fit into this routine — getting Lian dressed in little leggings and a sequined tutu, wishing the barely awake Roy a good day and giving Lian a hug goodbye before heading out to the zeta to get to class. For a few minutes, he forgot about the day before. The month before, the year before. For a few minutes, the glaring sleepy redhead and his energetic sparkly daughter was his entire world.

He went to class. It was okay. It wasn’t the end of the world yet. There was still sociological theory to discuss. There was still coffee to drink and music to listen to. Despite thinking everything might have been over the night before, it still seemed to be continuing today.

But there was an elephant of shame on his chest, that he should've been stronger than that, that he should've done something more, something better. It was like he couldn't win, no matter what he did. The guilt and the sorrow warring for purchase in his mind.

Roy texted him halfway through the day, _'doing alright?'_

He replied, _'Fine.'_ even if it wasn't true, what could be done for it anyway? As everyone kept telling him -- it was up to him to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Almost suspiciously, Roy let it drop there. It was therefore unsurprising when Orin texted him in the evening and asked if he wanted to come for another swim.

Kaldur had been studying, lethargically, sitting in the library with little motivation to actually get much done. He been thinking about going and lying in the bathtub, not going and having to try to be normal for his King.

His mind was cast back to the troubled thoughts about the pretend betrayal, and how Orin believed it, and it was too hard to think of seeing him and talking to him. It was a persistent intrusive thought: how could he believe it?

 _'We are all worried about you.'_ Orin texted. _'Will you tell me what is on your mind?'_

Even if Kaldur could break past years of obedience to ask such a damning question, he was far too tired for the ensuing conversation. He replied a lie about having too much homework, and a request for a rain-check.

Guilt and shame. When he made it home, he fell asleep and decided he was never going to wake up.

The desire to die had gone from this urgent, intense and consuming feeling, to something hazy and passive where he just didn't want to be there. He had no energy to take steps towards it, so he stayed in bed, and he hated himself as the time passed and he missed his classes for the day, his therapist appointment, but no amount of mental motivation seemed enough to inspire him to get up.

M'gann texted and asked if he wanted to hang out, and he said no without even considering it. He was weary of their unspoken agreement not to discuss what happened between them. It was bullshit. The whole thing, everything, it was just not worth the time.

He managed to move from the bedroom to the bathtub because he was so dehydrated it was uncomfortable, and while he wanted to die, dying like that dried up starfish sounded too painful and it would take too damn long.

Kaldur looked inside himself and tried to find any thought that was halfway reasonable and mostly found jumbled up unhelpful nonsense. He knew that to get better, he needed to engage in some coping mechanisms, some self-care, he knew it and he hated himself that he could not seem to move to implement any of them.

Dinah called. He considered answering for so long that it rang through. Then he got out of the bathtub, having been there for hours, and went back to bed.

Dinah called again and woke him up. Kaldur answered it this time.

"Are you having problems with your therapist?" Dinah asked, her voice calm and smooth.

'No." Kaldur replied. There was no problem with the therapist, there was a problem with him.

"Is there a reason why you did not attend your session today?"

"I forgot." Kaldur said, even though that was a lie -- he had remembered, he just couldn't make himself go.

"Will you attend the next session then? Tomorrow at ten?"

"Yes." He had no idea if that was true.

"Okay. You remember our deal. We want to give you space, but we don't want you to isolate yourself. If you cannot attend your therapy sessions on your own, we will have to come to another arrangement. Understood?"

"Yes." Could he go back to sleep now?

Dinah asked how he was doing, and maybe he gave an answer. Then he was lying around again, hating himself ardently for doing so, despised at his own lack of discipline, lack of control. He wondered what anyone saw was worthwhile in him now.

Like a skip on a record, Artemis was there. She climbed in his bed -- on top of his blankets, and said, "Good morning sunshine."

Kaldur reached up and pressed his palms into his eyes.

"When was the last time you ate?" Artemis asked, brusque, business like.

He did not reply, because he didn't know the answer.

"You know if you don't eat, you'll only feel worse." She coaxed.

"That would be impressive." Kaldur murmured, not moving his hands off his face.

Artemis huffed, and said, "Don't make me call in the big guns."

"I thought you were the big guns."

"I have big guns." Kaldur didn't have to look to know she was flexing. "But no, I mean Roy. And I figured you'd want me to try first, since he's meant to be at work."

Kaldur thought about Roy missing work in order to deal with his pathetic meltdown. He groaned.

"Let's start small. Can you look at me?"

"I know what you look like."

"Humor me."

Kaldur reluctantly dropped his hands. Artemis smiled, sharp, and said, "Hi. Good morning. We're getting up now, even if I have to pick you up and carry you. You know I will."

She would. When she offered a hand, he took it willingly and got up. She insisted that he shower, and she made instant package oatmeal while he did. She made sure he drank water, took his meds, got his books. As he made his way to campus, she did not dislodge from his side.

"Do you not have a better use of your time?" Kaldur asked.

"Nope." Artemis replied, hands weaved behind her head. "So, what's on the agenda for today?"

She walked him to the therapy office, sitting outside and playing on her phone while she waited. There was a new guilt when he saw Bo, since he'd ditched the day before. But Bo only smiled, and told him to come in.

Kaldur didn't sit down in the office. He paced instead.

"What would you like to talk about today?" Bo asked, sitting with his legs crossed, watching Kaldur wear a hole in the floor.

"I do not want to talk about anything." Kaldur responded, because talking was exhausting.

"Okay." Bo agreed. "We'll just hang out, then. If you think of something you want to say, or ask me, just let me know."

Kaldur paced. His brain felt like it was pacing too. He could only stand it for a few minutes before he sat down, and said, "I don't know."

Bo said, "That's fine."

"Is it?"

"Sure. You don't have to know all the time."

Kaldur rubbed his face. Bo waited patiently, and when it was clear he wasn't to say more, asked, "How are you feeling right now?"

What was the desire for death, as an emotion? "Scared."

"Like, paranoia, or something else?"

He thought about how to put it. "Scared of the future."

"Okay. I am too. What scares you the most?"

"That the pain won't ever stop... why are you scared of it too?"

Bo smiled. "Because the future is terrifying, it's unknown. But that's the best part -- you don't know what the future will be. You can work towards what you _want_ the future to be. It doesn't exist yet, you get to decide. So yeah, it scares me, but I don't let that stop me. Maybe there's some pain coming up, but maybe there's some good stuff too. Tell me, Kaldur. In the past few months, can you think of some good things that happened?"

Hadn't it all just been suffering? But no. There was Lian, with her books and her shrieking laughter. There was Roy and falling asleep on the couch. There was Artemis and jam covered pancakes. There was more than just his internal misery. He hesitantly told Bo this.

Bo looked pleased. "Exactly! It's not all just pain, forever. Other stuff happens too, all the time. Things change constantly, and that's great, that's the best part about living. We're changing, and our circumstances are changing. Maybe it's negative, but it will always change again, into something else, something new. When you look at the future, what do you want to see? What do you want to happen?"

That was an extremely hard question. For the longest time, all his answers revolved around being a superhero. Now what did he have?

"Do you want to graduate?" Bo prompted, when he was quiet for too long.

"What would I do with a degree?" Kaldur asked.

Bo shrugged. "That's part of the question, isn't it? You're working so hard in your classes, is that because you want to succeed?"

"I certainly do not want to fail." Kaldur replied.

"Can you see yourself graduating?"

Maybe. If he could keep going, on this path, he would eventually graduate. As long as he didn't kill himself. And that was probably what Bo wanted him to realize.

They worked on short term goals and long-term goals and thinking about the future in a positive light. Bo discussed with him his recent mood, in calm, clinical terms, and never made him feel badly for having missed their last appointment. He provided techniques for trying to break out of apathy, for self-care when you don't give a fuck about yourself.

Bo said, "I don't want you to be thinking about this pain as something that is punishing you. To be hurting is not because you did something wrong. The hurting is to tell you to be gentle, to be careful with yourself, because you're fragile. That's alright."

Kaldur didn't like being called fragile. Bo tried to explain better, with a better analogy -- that he was a cup, and it was overflowing. The pain was telling him to stop, to slow down, to empty some of the load.

They ran over their allotted time. In the lobby Artemis was watching YouTube videos on her phone and suffocating laughter. She looked up when Kaldur approached and gave a thumbs up, grabbing her stuff and tagging along to all his classes for the day.

Despite the fact that he had been convinced he would not survive, time passed anyway, and he was still alive.

Conner texted him, later, when he was alone again.

It was a meme. Kaldur was peripherally aware of memes, and he certainly hadn't thought that Conner knew them either. It was the 'moon's haunted' meme, and it made him smile despite himself.

 _'Haha.'_ Kaldur replied.

 _'What's up?'_ Conner texted.

Kaldur had saved a meme on his phone that Roy sent him at 5am with the caption 'you'. It was literally just a seal folded so it looked as if it was sitting like a person, all squishy and half-submerged in water. He sent it to Conner in response.

Conner replied, _'you'._

Kaldur smiled again, and asked, _'What's up for you?'_

' _Just wanted to check in with you. Trying not to be such a shitty friend.'_

Kaldur sighed, and grimaced. He knew that Conner wasn't in the Protection Squad groupchat, so it was just a genuine checking-in. After their last interaction Kaldur had been pretty fucked up and a little resentful for it, but now it was a tired, unimportant thing. So what, Conner shouted at him and triggered a mental breakdown. What didn't, these days?

He'd promised the same in his vow to be a better friend, so he replied, _'That is kind of you. You are not shitty, my friend.'_

_'Thanks. I want to be better, though. Is there anything I can do?'_

Kaldur hadn't even confirmed he was in a shitty place, but Conner didn't seem to need him too. Maybe it was just written all over him. _'I appreciate the offer. If I think of anything, I will let you know.'_

_'Be sure that you do.'_

During the weekend, Orin requested to fulfil his earlier rain-check for a swim. Kaldur hesitated, as the thought churned his stomach. He had been stewing in his self-doubt from them, what they truly thought of him, what they weren't saying to him. The gross and thick homesick feeling. And most of all, the unwanted anger. Seething and moving, and he wished he could pry open his chest and scoop out the foreign emotion with his fingers.

Faced with the fact that he was going to be forced into seeing his King and confronting these feelings, Kaldur was a bit stuck.

Conner had texted him another meme, this time about Vlad the Impaler discovering marshmallows, and instead of responding to his King he texted to Conner, _'I thought of something you could help with. Do you have a minute?'_

Conner called him. He opened with, "Yes, I have a minute."

Kaldur was trying to calm his racing heartbeat. He'd identified the emotion in his chest, and it was one that Conner knew well. If he wanted to help, this was one way. "I have a question."

"No idea if I will have an answer, but I'll do my best to try." Conner said, curt, ready.

Kaldur hesitated. But plowed onwards. "How do you deal with anger?"

Conner huffed. "Oh, that's a good question. Uh, well, for a long time, I didn't really. I just let it do whatever. There was anger, so I was angry, and man, it felt like I was just angry all the damn time. I don't even know what it was about mostly, it was just always there."

Kaldur shut his eyes, thinking about that young, lost boy that he found. To the man he knew now, fumbling still but more grounded, more sure-footed than ever before. "And what changed?"

"Honestly? Just like... knowing more. Learning more. I was so confused, everything felt so unfair all the time, and I didn't know where I stood or what I was supposed to be doing. The more I questioned the things that made me angry, tried to find the cause, tried to find answers, then it was like... do I need to be angry about this? And yeah, sometimes the answer is still yes. I'm still angry at Cadmus, for example. But at least now I know _why_. Because I know now how they treated me was _wrong_. I don't have to be upset constantly, feeling like I'm... a giant cosmic joke. Yeah, it pisses me off still to think about it. But when I do, I'm just like... okay, that was shitty. Moving on. Uh. Hopefully that makes sense."

Kaldur had his phone cradled to his face, and he kind of wanted to cry. He rubbed his eyes and said, "So you deal with your anger by finding out why you are angry?"

"Heh, it sounds stupid when you put it like that. But yeah, basically. Does that help at all?"

"I'll let you know." Kaldur replied. "Thank you."

"Anytime."

Kaldur hung up. He stared at the wall. So if he wanted this poisonous anger off his chest, the answer was the obvious one -- he needed to talk to them about it. He needed to know _why_. Even though the answer was going to be painful, it was going to hurt, to know why his King and his parents could have ever believed he was a villain. But maybe, right now, he wanted that pain, that punishment for his deeds, to rid him of the speculative agony he was currently in. Enough to override his loyalty and devotion to ever start that conversation.

He agreed to meet up with his King at the docks. It was a freezing night, but the water always felt good no matter what the temperature.

Kaldur met his King with polite and respectful greeting.

"You've been very distant." Orin said, not unkindly, putting a hand on Kaldur's arm. "I wanted to speak with you in person and see if we could find out why."

Kaldur had planned to wait until the end of the swim to talk about it, but found himself floundering to even maintain a normalcy from the start. 

"Kaldur'ahm?" Orin prompted, when he was worryingly quiet.

"Did you really think I could do it?" Kaldur blurted, then shut his eyes, suffocating a wince. Here they went -- down this horrible rabbit hole.

Orin frowned, hard. He looked troubled. He didn't say anything.

Kaldur shuddered, hating himself for making this situation happen, and cross his arms protectively over his chest, cold fingers digging into his biceps. He breathed, "My King?"

Orin watched him with very sad eyes. "I have a kingdom to protect. I could not allow myself the luxury of thinking anything that could endanger them. It was not a matter of belief - it was necessity."

"So you _did_ think I could do it." Kaldur's throat felt like it would close, even when he was suspended in water, his favourite place to be.

"I did what I had to do. So did you. But I hurt you, and for that, I deeply apologize. Even in the depths of what I thought was your madness, I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted it all to stop."

Kaldur turned away. But it still hurt when he didn't stand up for him, to say, this isn't you.

"Kaldur'ahm." Orin put both hands on his shoulders, thumbs pressing into his neck. "You have my most sincere apologies. Thank you for telling me that this was festering inside you. I trust you implicitly, and I wish I could have been in a position to prove that to you. But I was not. You know as King; my people must always come first."

"I would never ask differently of you." Kaldur said, eye hooded, the hurt there, it stung, but he understood. It wasn't personal. He adored his King because of who he was, the just and fair ruler, and no matter his own feelings on the matter, this was not something he could deny him.

Orin gave a pained smile and squeezed his shoulders tightly. After a long moment, Kaldur accepted the comfort, and leaned forward into the touch. Orin tapped their foreheads together, and the easy affection was nearly enough to burst the rock-hard bubble in Kaldur's chest.

Nearly. They went for their swim, solemn and careful, and Kaldur tried to exhaust himself enough that it wasn't frightening to make his next conversation. After he parted from his King, he sat on the docks with his feet dipped in the water and called his parents. It was late, and no one was around, so he felt comfortable doing a video call.

His parents were ecstatic to hear from him, despite the late hour. He traced his toes in the moving shore water and listened to their greetings wash over him.

"Is there something we can help you with, my son?" Sha'lain'a asked, Calvin leaning on her arm to be in the frame.

Kaldur took a deep breath. It wasn't any easier the second time.

Sha'lain'a smiled, brittle, and added, "We love you very much and we only want you to be happy. If there is something on your mind, please don't hesitate to tell us."

"I wanted to ask you," Kaldur said, and changed his mind ten times over about whether or not he wanted to continue before doing so, "Did you really look at me and think that was something I could do? You call me your compassionate, your loving boy. But you believed it. You thought it could be me."

They were exchanged glances, pained. He waited for the truth, for the acknowledgement that they truly did not trust him, that they thought him capable of such horrors.

It did not come. Sha'lain'a swallowed, and said softly, "I thought you were hurting. I thought maybe you were out of your mind. You do not know what tortures I put upon myself, trying to bend what I thought was reality to fit my worldview, what I knew to be actually true -- that you are a good man. I was trying to reconcile what my eyes and ears were perceiving, but that does not mean that I did not spend every moment thinking that this is wrong, this is wrong, something is horribly wrong."

Kaldur felt like he was going to cry. He wrestled with that, and flickered his reddened eyes to his father, his real father.

"We were just trying to deal with it in our own ways. I tried not to think about it at all." Calvin said. "I'm sorry. I should have done more. But please. Take away from this that you can speak with us about what is upsetting you. We're not perfect, we didn't do what we should have in that time. I accept the blame and your hostility as reasonable and just."

Kaldur bit back a despondent sigh. "I am not hostile to either of you. I merely... wanted to know if that was how you truly saw me."

Sha'lain'a pressed her fingers to the screen, and said with unbearable fondness, "I am glad you have voiced this concern, so I can tell you how it is unfounded. You are a good man, and I do not want you to ever think otherwise."

Kaldur blinked quickly and breathed. Trying to believe it. He somehow hadn't anticipated that their outside actions might not reflect their inner minds. "Do you think that's enough?"

"Enough for what?" Calvin asked.

Kaldur swallowed. "The weight of my actions against my intentions."

"You are a good man." Calvin repeated, sure. "It is more than enough for me."

"And me." Sha'lain'a smiled, wobbly.

The more he spoke to them, the more muted his homesickness became. It was a different emotion, like grief, but not as sour. Cold nostalgia. Or maybe a cold apprehension for the future, where he thought about his parents and his King and where he would like to be with them going forward. What kind of relationship he wanted to have.

He was glad he asked, in the end. When he hung up and walked home with damp bare feet.

Kaldur went to class, he went to therapy. He was in the library in the evening, starting his study prep for his final exams, when someone joined him at his table. Dark haired, carrying a backpack. As if Dick Grayson was another student at his university.

"Hey." Dick greeted, taking out a sleek laptop and setting it up.

"Good evening," Kaldur replied, taking out his headphones. "You are a surprise."

"I like to be one." Dick said. "Do you mind if I hang out?"

"Not at all." Kaldur said, even as he wondered about Dick's ulterior motive -- he always had one. "What are you working on?"

"Just some cases." Dick turned the screen to show him blueprints. "That's not why I'm here, though."

"You are here because you want to check up on me." Kaldur guessed. He wondered if Artemis let him into the groupchat -- and what the groupchat would have been saying about his behaviour recently. It was probably adding up to a pretty worrying picture.

"I always like to visit a friend." Dick smiled, and took out an envelope from his bag, giving it to Kaldur. "And bring presents. I wanted to see you open this one in person."

"You did not have to get me anything." Kaldur said immediately, mystified.

"Consider it a 'congratulations on still being alive' present."

Kaldur pursed his lips, but did not argue, and unfolded the envelope to reveal two tickets. Closer inspection showed it was for Of Monsters and Men to play at a concert hall in Coast City in two months’ time. He sucked in a surprised breath, and said, "These are for me?"

"Yeah, man." Dick leaned back in his chair, smirking in satisfaction at Kaldur's wide eyes. "Floor tickets and everything. The catch being, of course, that you will have to survive the next two months in order to see them."

That was it -- Dick was trying to give him something to look forward to, trying to find a way to make Kaldur excited about living again. Using his usual tactics of spying and snooping to determine something he'd like -- but Kaldur wasn't offended by the invasion of privacy. He was actually thrilled, an inflating balloon in his chest. His favourite band, the one that had pulled him out of the trenches, he could see them _live_. He could be in the same room as them.

"Thank you." Kaldur said, sincere, truly meaning it. He gave Dick a smile. "It is wonderful."

Dick gave a grin back, one that didn't used to be so rare. He said, "There's two, so take anyone you'd like."

"Thank you." Kaldur repeated. "You are a good friend. I am very much looking forward to this."

"That's what I wanted to hear." Dick winked and leaned forward again to attack his keyboard. "Now, are you busy, or can you give me a second set of eyes on this case?"

He was busy, but he said yes anyway, and they worked together on it.

Kaldur pinned the tickets on his fridge at home. It was a strange jolt every single time he saw them, so very strange because he'd rarely ever felt _excited_ about something.

Finals came, and Kaldur submerged himself in studying with a renewed vigor, trying to get himself out of his mental pit with the steel jawed determination that got him through so many bad nights, bad days, bad weeks. If he was doing this, he was going to do it right. And while it might've been easier to quit, not to try at all, he needed to survive the next two months. He had a concert to attend.

Bo was thrilled that he had the concert to look forward to, and predictably encouraged both healthy studying habits and the ever-ongoing push for Kaldur to find a hobby he enjoyed.

"What do you usually eat?" Bo asked, digging deep to try and help him find something.

Kaldur described his diet of mostly fish, rice, and vegetables.

"I want you to bake something." Bo challenged.

"I don't have any baking supplies."

"Rice crispy squares. If you have a microwave, you can make them."

"What am I going to do with them?"

"Eat them, hopefully. But sharing them would be a good idea too. Consider it your homework from me. Take twenty minutes off your studying, make rice crispy squares, eat one. Got it?"

If this was anyone else, Kaldur would have quietly taken his orders like a good soldier. But he felt unusually comfortable in Bo's presence, having seen the man accidently pour a cup of coffee in his own lap once, and instead rolled his eyes. "Do I have to?"

"Yes." Bo said, firmly, grinning.

Kaldur sighed. He stopped by the convenience store on his way home, searching for the recipe on his phone and bought rice crispy cereal, marshmallows, and butter. It wasn't hard to microwave the marshmallows with butter and melt them into something gelatinous. Add rice crispies. He wasn't kidding about his lack of baking supplies, however, and didn't even have a pan to flatten it into. They ended up being rice crispy balls.

It was kind of funny, in a pitiful-strange-ridiculous way, and he snapped a picture to Artemis. She'd find it funny.

Artemis texted back, _'LMAO those are sad, sad balls. we are coming to eat them'_.

Apparently 'we' was Artemis and Lian -- she was babysitting, and brought the toddler over to his apartment, plopping her on his couch and giving her a rice crispy ball.

"Are children her age supposed to eat these?" Kaldur asked, resigned to the intrusion, not even putting up a token protest.

Artemis shrugged, fingers covered in marshmallow -- she'd already had three. "Don't know. We'll just watch her closely."

They watched Lian eat two bites before tossing it onto the floor. It made a sad splat sound.

"I should've seen that coming." Artemis said, picking it up, and eating the rest from the side that hadn't hit the floor. Kaldur wrinkled his nose but didn't comment. "Not that I'm complaining, but why the sad marshmallow balls?"

"My therapist is trying to force hobbies upon me." Kaldur replied dryly. He'd had one of the balls, and they were very sweet. He hadn't decided if it was a good or bad thing.

"You poor thing." Artemis laughed.

"What hobbies do you have?"

Lian kicked the cushion of his couch until it fell off. Artemis pushed the other cushion off, and then gave the toddler a little plastic Tupperware with salty snacks. She said, "Other than archery, you mean? I'm assuming we're going for non-work related things. I like video games, especially the ones you play in arcades. My sister taught me how to trick this Pac-Man machine at the arcade a couple blocks from our house and I'd go there and play until I'd see little ghosts when I closed my eyes. I've done a lot of reading, practically in the summers when I'd go to the library because it had AC, unlike my house. I still play some video games, but other than watching Netflix or working out or sleeping, I'm not exactly the pinnacle of good mental health myself."

Kaldur watched Lian cover her face in crumbs. He said, "But you grew up playing games and other things?"

"Well, sure. Especially at school -- during recess I had a very complicated tag game with a huge group of kids. And yeah, a lot of the hobbies I had were directly related to finding ways to not spend time at home. But I still had fun doing them. Did you not play games with the other kids your age?"

Did he? It was so long ago that he was an actual child. Everything he did for so long was relating to the mission, all of his time sectioned out in order to fulfill this abstract lifelong goal of helping people.

It didn't have to be that way, though. Artemis was a fine hero, even with her own childhood problems, and she found ways to have hobbies and have fun. Maybe it was pretty pitiful that Kaldur didn't even know what kind of things he found fun.

"What video games are your favourite right now?" Kaldur asked.

Artemis grinned, and pulled out her phone. She showed him some of the apps she had, little mini arcade games and some others like Minecraft or Stardew Valley. Holding Lian captive in her lap, she convinced Kaldur to download some on his own phone and taught him how to play. It was mostly intuitive, even if he didn't quite understand the purpose yet.

Artemis left later, taking some rice crispy balls to Roy as she went to return his child, giving Kaldur a squeezing side hug and a grateful smile. "Thanks for letting us come hang out with you. I was kinda lonely earlier, thus why I picked up Lian. So, I appreciate it."

Kaldur had kind of forgotten that people had problems outside of his own fucked up-ness, and was startled to have inadvertently been helpful. "Anytime."

Later, Roy texted him, _'your baking was very tasty'._

Kaldur snorted. _'Is it baking really if I only used a microwave?'_

Roy replied, _'10/10 microwave skills'._

Kaldur found himself smiling. He thought about the concert tickets pinned to his fridge, and how when Dick said he could take anyone he liked, his very first thought was Roy. But it was a dangerous game, because that was like a date, like something maybe, and Kaldur... he did care for him. And he cared for him so much, that he did not want to inflict his curse upon him.

He was not someone who was meant to be loved. All his previous experience just proved that. It hurt, hollowed guilt and self-denial.

Kaldur wrote some finals. A little more removed from his backslide, he could see the moments where he could've used better coping mechanisms, could've taken more steps to stop it from happening. In the moment, it had all seemed like the end of the world. And this time around, with a clearer head, he considered that he wanted to be better, he wanted to not be so lost and scared and hurting.

Part of that was listening to Bo, his advice and his techniques. Like the perusal of hobbies and seeking the company of his loved ones.

For hobbies, Kaldur tried most of the phone games Artemis gave him. They were okay, but after a few minutes the guilt that he wasn't studying would kick in, and he'd return to that instead. Except for Stardew Valley. Artemis had explained it was a mobile adaptation of a very popular computer game, so the controls were a little tricky to master, but Kaldur absolutely did. He watered his tiny little parsnips and suddenly it was two hours later, his farm thriving and meticulously planned.

For seeking the company of his loved ones, Kaldur found himself with another invitation from M'gann. He was very tempted to brush her off again, because their friendship was strained in a way that he wasn't eager to address. He'd had more than enough hard conversations with people lately, it just seemed like beating a dead horse to continue. So he fucked up, in every way, with everyone. Wasn't there anyway he could just hit a giant reset button and start over?

No. The constant consequences of his actions were a persistent companion with every step he took. It just got kind of exhausting and maybe even boring.

Kaldur agreed to see her anyway. The two of them met for lunch, at M'gann's suggestion at a sushi place with the conveyor belts. This was a good choice, because it gave a lot of conversation topics on the differences of the human world. Like usual, they had a good time and he felt badly for being apprehensive about seeing her.

Until, of course, she said, "I wanted to talk to you about something."

A multitude of responses ran through his head -- everything from 'I would prefer you not' to 'keeping wanting'. Instead he raised his eyebrow, waiting. It wasn't fair to her, to be so aggressive or hostile.

M'gann sighed, and ducked her head, short bangs hanging in her eyes for a second. When she looked up, there was remorse in the furrow of her brow. "I think we've been going about this the wrong way. I think that by not talking about what happened, it's only making things worse between us. I feel farther away from you than I ever have before. Can we just... lay it out on the table?"

Kaldur sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I do not know what we need to say."

"I know one thing, at least." M'gann put both hands on the table between them, opening them. She waited until Kaldur hesitantly gave her his own to hold onto. "I am sorry, Kaldur. I hurt you, and I feel terrible for it."

"You have already apologized, and I have already forgiven you." He shook his head, not squeezing her hands back, uncomfortable with this discussion. Trying hard not to think about what happened between them, not wanting to panic in her presence. To keep her out of his mind. "It is my actions that remain the wedge between us."

"I've forgiven you too, Kaldur." M'gann said immediately.

"It is different." Kaldur said, stiffly, keeping his eyes just beyond her left shoulder. She had a leather jacket, with silver studs. He wanted to ask her where she got it, to divert the conversation away from painful topics.

She didn't allow that. She tipped her head to the side, inserting herself in his gaze line. She said, "How so? Why are your standards different than mine? If you say you've forgiven me, then why can't I forgive you?"

"Because I lied to you, and I did unspeakable things."

"And I hurt you. And believe me, I consider that a very unspeakable thing."

Kaldur just shook his head. The circumstances weren't the same at all, even as he remembered her mind in his, tearing him apart, and the pain, and ...

"If you really do feel like you have a need to apologize to me," M'gann said slowly, eyes searching his face, pensive. "If you truly believe that you have to make amends, I have a request that you could fulfil. To make it up to me."

"Anything." Kaldur said immediately, blindly.

She smiled, like she'd hoped he say that. "You have forgiven so many others. Now I need you to forgive yourself. If you can do that, then we will be square."

Kaldur felt a wrinkle of indignation. "That's not fair."

M'gann laughed and smiled mischievously. "I don't ever claim to be fair. But I do claim to care for you, quite a lot. You're my friend."

"You are my friend too." Kaldur replied, like he was reminding himself, and he squeezed her hands across the table. "I will work on your request. But I make no guarantees."

"Life has no guarantees." M'gann shrugged, squeezing back. "Just a bunch of people trying their best."

When he looked at her, there was still the flicker of fear, uncontainable. But he could see his friend as well, the one through years of trial and fire. As long as he focused on that spectre, they would weather this together and come out the other side stronger. If only he could take her advice and forgive himself too.

With all the guilt and shame he carried, it was hard to even consider. And even harder to wonder how the hell one logistically goes about such a task. He could ask Bo, but instead he found himself asking Roy.

The two of them were in Kaldur's apartment. It was first thing in the morning, Roy had been out on a superhero call the night before, so Lian was still with Ollie.

Roy had brought over waffles, calling it celebration for Kaldur's last exam, and they were sitting on the couch. Kaldur had felt brave and left his music on. They were listening to his collection that had grown over the past couple months -- mostly indie rock, but other eclectic tastes mixed in.

"With everything that happened with you," Kaldur asked, while July Talk sung in the background. "How did you forgive yourself?"

Roy raised both his eyebrows. "For the things I did, you mean?"

"Yes."

Roy hummed, cutting the waffle squares to get optimal syrup. "I don't really know, I guess. I had to move on -- I had Lian, I had shit that needed doing. I couldn't sit in that place for too long, I had places to be. I don't know so much as if I forgave myself if I just moved forward and didn't stop to look back."

Kaldur stabbed his own breakfast, thinking hard.

Roy rubbed his scruffy face, a little tired, and admitted with a sheepish smile. “I guess I never really forgave myself. I just threw myself so hard into doing better that I could live with myself again.”

Kaldur thought about all the things Roy had accomplished, and he knew that he had definitely done better, been better. Lian was more than proof of that. “Yes.”

“Doesn’t really help your question much, though.” Roy mopped up the syrup on his plate. “Our situations were pretty different. I needed a wakeup call for myself. Yours was more... walking into something with your eyes wide open. I don’t know if you _thought_ you could live with the consequences, or you knew you couldn’t but did it anyway, but there’s something to be said about being painfully aware the whole time. It adds a level of...”

Trauma, Bo would probably say. Kaldur didn’t say it, fiddling with his napkin instead. He thought a better answer would be ‘knowing accountability’. Possibly even maliciousness. He knew it was going to have a bad fallout. Even with all the good it did. It didn’t change the people he hurt. He said, “Complications.”

“Yeah.” Roy agreed, lame. “Do you want to forgive yourself?”

Kaldur avoided his eye. “I don’t feel like I deserve it. M’gann said I should. But I ...”

“Have consistently ridiculously high standards for yourself?” Roy suggested, dry, with a raised eyebrow. “You saved so many people’s lives with what you did. Do you think they’d be happier if you hadn’t?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, most people prefer to be alive, so I think they’d want that. And they wouldn’t want the person who saved them to beat themself up over having done so. It was a fucking hard choice, and it required a big sacrifice. You chose it, and you paid it. And while I can’t say my own method is particularly healthy, there’s something to be said for accepting this is where you are now and moving forward from there.”

“You sound so wise,” Kaldur said, around the lump in his throat. “Is that a symptom of growing up, or being a dad?”

“I’ve always been wise, you just never listened.” Roy smiled, a flash of incisors.

“Bold statement.” Kaldur said, arching an eyebrow.

Roy laughed, full body, and pushed Kaldur’s arm.

The music curled around them. The shuffled playlist had found its way to Of Monsters and Men, tumbling through the air of the apartment and speaking words so dear to Kaldur’s heart by now. The hundreds of hours he’d put into just listening, listening, thinking that his human experience was not so unique if someone could sing it back to him — that he was not alone.

The tickets on the fridge, promising a future, an existence two months from now. And the thought that Roy could be there with him, like he was here with him now — like he could be with Kaldur in the future. If only he gave an answer to that horrible _love_ statement. If only he wasn’t cursed.

And maybe he wasn’t quite ready to forgive himself, but he realized in that soft moment that what he did want was this, going forward. Knee pressing together on the couch. Sticky syrup. Wrenching music. The support and fiery compassion.

He didn’t want to be cursed anymore.

“The good news,” Bo said to him, at his very next therapy session. He had a latte that smelt unbearably of candy canes. “Is that I wholeheartedly believe that the curse you have on yourself can be fixed with an understanding of cognitive distortions and some heavy introspection.”

That sounded awful and hard, but Kaldur had been through harder. He set his jaw and said, “What do I need to do?”

“Well, first of all, relax.” Bo smiled big, pulling his legs up to sit cross legged. “Let’s breath, and let’s think. Deep breathing exercises.”

Kaldur had spent far too long practicing these with Bo, and it was second nature to obey. The pressure in his throat abated. Just a conversation. Not a battle. Just Bo, his candy cane latte, and his rose patterned shoes. Kaldur focused on those, with the green laces. Maybe he could get a pair shoes like those.

“Alright.” Bo said, after a minute. “When was the first time you remember thinking you were cursed?”

“Roy was gone. Tula died. I... I looked around and saw the common denominator was me. It seemed the logical conclusion.”

“Seemed.” Bo said, lightly. “But did either of those things actually have to do with you? Did you directly cause them?”

Kaldur swallowed. “Then it only got worse. With my biological father. And the decisions I made to hurt people.”

“The key word there being decisions.” Bo hummed. “A curse suggests a lack of control, don’t you think?”

“And my father?”

“I could agree he is something out of your control that happened to you, but that’s one out of four. Not a pattern. A single occurrence is more like... an event. An unfortunate, traumatic one. Certainly, you've told me that the nightmares and other post traumatic symptoms focus on him as a whole. This lack of control in your life leading to a very horrible situation, even if you initially chose to be there. But that’s not a curse. It’s just a man. A man who happened to contribute to you genetically. I wouldn’t call that a curse, any more than I’d tell someone with parental issues they were cursed — they’re just unlucky. No one chooses who biologically contributes to them, no one on Earth. It’s the most normal thing in the world, not a curse.”

Kaldur shut his eyes and rubbed them. “But it doesn’t feel like that. It feels like... it’s all my fault. Everything that happened. And that if I go forward with anyone else, then when they get hurt, it will be my fault again.”

“And now’s the time we break out the cognitive distortions.” Bo pulled a piece of paper off his mostly unused clipboard. Kaldur had discussed them before, so he knew most of them. “Read those and tell me which ones you think apply in this situation.

Kaldur read them, and grimaced. It was uncomfortable to see his flawed thinking laid out so clearly. He said, almost sheepish, “Most of them apply.”

“Explain.”

Kaldur exhaled slowly through his nose. The first one was just like Roy had said before, so it was easy to start since he’d been discussing it recently: “Mental filtering, focusing only on the negatives. I’m only thinking about what went wrong, not the people I helped or the people I saved.”

“Very, very good.” Bo nodded. “You’ve got it. Another?”

Kaldur cleared his throat and eyed the paper uncomfortably. “In the same vein, disqualifying the positive ... it doesn’t matter that I saved people, because of the cost it took to do it. And all or nothing thinking, that because things have gone badly before, that means they will always go badly again.”

Kaldur took a moment to breath, and Bo waited patiently. “The curse itself... it’s overgeneralization. It’s jumping to conclusions. Assuming without evidence that I know what will happen.”

“But you don’t.” Bo said. “When you first told me about your curse, you said it was like you were cursed with a coin where both sides had a bad outcome. But in reality, we get a new coin every single moment of our lives. You’ve had so many bad things happen to you, but you’ve had good things too. Are there any other cognitive distortions you think for your situation?”

“Personalization.” Kaldur rubbed his neck. “Everything is my fault, my responsibility.”

“The mother of guilt.” Bo agreed. “You certainly take on more than your fair share.”

“Catatrophization. If I... let someone in. They will be hurt. And I can’t see any other outcome. Emotional reasoning. Because I’ve convinced myself this is true, it must be. And...”

“Last but not least?”

“Labelling.” Kaldur sighed. “I labelled myself as cursed and refused to change it.”

“I’m so proud of you.” Bo beamed. “Seeing the negative patterns in your thinking is hard, but I think you did a fantastic job. And you can challenge this thinking by realizing that just because you think something, does not automatically make it true. Just because you, so feverently, so strongly that you are cursed, does not actually mean you are. It means you hurt and hurt and you hurt, and your brain wanted to protect itself, to keep people from getting close so you didn’t hurt anymore, so it twisted itself into these knots. So, looking objectively at this thinking, laid out like this, do you still think you are truly cursed?”

“.... no. But I... I feel foolish for holding onto it for so long.”

Bo smiled, calm, and took a sip of his candy cane latte. “It protected you. Maybe if you had gotten into a relationship six months ago, it would’ve made everything worse. But now it’s holding you back, and it’s time to shake it off. You have the skills and the tools and the positive coping mechanisms now to move forward. To do things that you want for yourself.”

“You think I want Roy for myself?” Kaldur fidgeted with his water bottle.

“I think that you deserve wonderful, wonderful things Kaldur. And that maybe letting yourself be with someone who makes you happy might be a very good first step in having that. When you’re ready.”

Kaldur wasn’t sure if he was ready. But he wanted to be.

Having finished for the semester, Kaldur floundered in his first days off with nothing to do. Mostly he played Stardew Valley on his phone, and while that was fun, it made him kind of stir crazy. It wasn’t hard to decide that maybe he would be most useful if he volunteered to watch Lian while Roy was at work.

Roy was extremely appreciative. “I think she’d really love that, thank you. I always feel terrible sending her off to be with strangers. All her super-babysitters help, but most of them are busy during the day.”

If that meant for more seeing Roy and giving him more time to work on how he felt and what he wanted to do about it... bonus points.

Day time was different than the evening babysitting. Lian was sullen that Roy was going to work, but otherwise resigned. The morning grumpy Roy had gotten her dressed and fed, so Kaldur only needed to entertain her. This ended up being reading the same book over and over, but at least it was a different book now. Then they coloured, and when she grew bored of that, they got dressed and went for a walk.

“Kali.” Lian said, arms up.

“Walking is hard.” Kaldur agreed and picked her up. She looked adorable in her yellow puffy coat, pinkened cheeks from the cold and a Pom Pom hat.

“Kali!” Lian agreed, probably.

An old lady stopped to compliment Lian on her hat, and the toddler hid her cold nose in Kaldur’s neck. He smiled indulgently and thanked on her behalf.

He carried her to the park and she played with a shrieking laugh, shyness gone in the face of other young children. Kaldur kept a close and diligent eye on her, until she insisted on being pushed on the swing. The shrieking laughter was so loud it was almost supersonic — her talent for crying at the top of her lungs translating into other mediums as well.

Kaldur had asked Roy when his lunch break was, and he carried Lian over to his workplace, meeting on the front steps.

Lian gasped, clearly not having expected to be seeing her dad mid-day, and shrieked ear piercingly, struggling out of Kaldur’s grip. She practically tripped in her haste to reach Roy, but luckily, he caught her and swung her upside down.

“Sir, you’ve lost your monkey.” Roy said, as her hat fell off and she laughed until she was out of breath.

Kaldur picked up her hat and solemnly put the Pom Pom on the top of Roy’s head.

Roy’s eyes were lit with a familiar amusement, and he righted Lian with a deft flip, balancing her easily on his side. Lian shrieked, predictably, then laughed again when she saw his face. “Hat! Hat!” She cheered.

“Hey, good word, monkey.” Roy praised. “Do you want your hat back?”

“Yeah!” Lian replied.

Roy took the hat off his head and put it on Kaldur’s. “Like this?” Roy asked her.

“Nooo!” Lian reached for it, laughing. “Hat! Hat!”

Kaldur gave it back to her, and his cheeks hurt from smiling.

The three of them brought lunch from a small cafe and Lian threw most of her sandwich on the floor.

“I’ll give her something else when we get home.” Kaldur promised, picking up the pieces.

Roy gave him a smile that looked kind of soppy. “Yeah, okay.”

“What is it?” Kaldur said. He moved to wipe Lian’s sticky hands with the napkin.

“It’s good to have you here.” Roy said. “I’m just basking in it.”

Kaldur felt a rush of emotion and covered it up by rolling his eyes.

“Just saying.” Roy said, spreading his hands in mock innocence. “How’d your finals go, anyway?”

Kaldur told him about them. And, reluctantly, about how his therapy was going. Which then lead into all the painful conversations he’d been having with friends and family recently.

“It’s about damn time.” Roy said.

“Roy,” Kaldur replied, wrinkling his nose in distaste.

Roy shook his head. “If you have to step up and deal with everything you did, then it’s only fucking fair that everyone else has to too.”

Roy was momentarily distracted by Lian trying to make an escape attempt from her high chair. The only way to settle her back down was to put her in Roy’s lap. He encased both her wandering hands in his own and waved them around dramatically to make her laugh. “I’m not so gracious that I won’t say I told you so, because I did. I hope they all apologized.”

Some had, some hadn't, all the events of the last few years were hard to cover in all aspects. But he was at least satisfied that there wasn’t any lingering resentment between him and his loved ones anymore.

Roy had told Kaldur that Lian usually took a nap in the afternoon, but she didn’t want to for Kaldur. They played with her dolls and power ranger toys until Roy finished work, and she proceeded to spend the entire evening in a terrible screaming mood. 

“Sorry,” Roy said, trying to get the very cranky girl to take a bath. “You don’t have to stay.”

Kaldur didn’t really have anywhere else to go, and it was kind of his fault since he hadn’t convinced to her to nap, so he stayed and helped wrangle until she cried herself to sleep almost an hour earlier than her usual.

“Always an adventure.” Roy said, blowing hair out of his face and offering Kaldur a smile. “Thanks. The constant screaming doesn’t feel nearly as horrible when I’m not the only adult in the room.”

Kaldur merely inclined his head in agreement. Without studying to do, he was at a loss, and they set up to watch ‘something that wasn’t children’s cartoons’. Kaldur ended up showing Roy his Stardew Valley farm instead of paying attention though. And then his attention was more on Roy’s focused brow as he poked at the phone screen, trying to make the little avatar run in circles.

“Did you mean what you said?” Kaldur heard himself ask.

“Hm?” Roy looked up. He paused a moment, staring back. “When?”

Kaldur scrunched his nose and thought better of the impulsive question. He shook his head.

Roy didn’t let him off the hook that easy, though. “Are you talking about when I said I loved you? Because I’m absolutely not afraid to say it again. I meant it.”

It was still a sucker punch to the chest. Kaldur took a deep breath, because it felt like his throat was a pinhole. “I have been thinking about that.”

“In a good way or a bad way?” Roy raised an eyebrow. It had never felt like they were closer than in this moment — sitting knees together on the couch, all the space between them filled with years of support and vulnerability and security.

“Good way. Mostly.” Kaldur said. “I have a hard time with feelings.”

“I’m shocked.”

Kaldur pushed his shoulder, some of the tension snapping away in his throat. “I only wanted you to know that I am thinking about it.”

“I’m happy to wait.” Roy shrugged. “I didn’t tell you because I needed an answer, and if you said no that would be your right. I just wanted you to know. I love you, I love having you here, at my side, I love seeing you with Lian, seeing you try, even seeing you fail. All I want is for you to be here. We can figure out the rest.”

That was a lot. He didn’t really mean to, but Kaldur swayed forward like he was hypnotized. And he kissed Roy. There wasn’t even a pause — Roy curled both hands around his wrists and held on tight, kissing back. Steel and compassion, before they parted, a little breathless, magnetized on the touch.

“Sorry,” Kaldur said, trying to figure out what the hell he had been thinking. “I just wanted to see what it was like.”

Roy licked his lips and smiled. “Well you’re welcome to do that anytime.”

Kaldur huffed, and released, pulling back. Roy let him, and they returned to the show they hadn’t been watching at all.

Kaldur slept on the couch. His mind tried to tell him that he was making a mistake, that the curse would kill him. He couldn’t inflict himself on Roy like that. But he pulled out his phone and played one of the strange arcade games Artemis gave him and wrenched himself to remember that just because he thought that, didn’t mean it was true. Maybe he didn’t think he deserved good things, but he could at least accept at this point that he deserved a _chance_ for good things.

Instead of slipping away in the middle of the night like his mind suggested, Kaldur did some breathing exercises, and in the morning, he asked if Roy wanted to go to the concert with him.

Roy said yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you listen carefully, you can hear me shouting FUCK IT before throwing this into the cosmos  
> where the hell do you end a story like this, anyway? depression and trauma recovery aren’t a linear path, it isn’t ‘hey you’re better now’.  
> i’m ending here because i’d like to think kaldur of this verse has found reasons to hold on, to keep trying. that he has grown comfortable with his therapist and willing to confide and work together towards something that might be considered healing, given enough time and effort. that there will still be times where it’s so hard but that he will be okay, someday, somehow.  
> if you enjoyed this fic please let me know, because it’s been a struggle, and i’d really appreciate it.  
> thanks for reading. take care of yourselves.


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